Monday, August 31, 2009

Demi Moore is a big, fat, cross-eyed, OLD liar.

Wow, Demi. Just, wow.
Photo: GoingPlastic.com



Yep. That was harsh. You know what else is harsh? Demi Moore LYING in French Marie Claire Magazine about her plastic surgery.

Listen up, kids, here's what Mrs. Kutcher had to say about having plastic surgery:

"It's completely false, I've never had it done," she said, adding: "But I would never judge those who have.

"If it's the best thing for them, then I don't see a problem."

Moore went on to say that she disliked the idea of undergoing surgery "to hold up the ageing process."

"It's a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won't make you happy.

"That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done," she said.

"For the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look thirty."

Despite her protestations, Moore's surgeon in the US is said to be Brian Novack.

In 2004 a close friend said: "He's a fantastic surgeon and his clients don't look like they've had surgery. Demi can't stand it that there is part of her that is not perfect."

Wow. Really, Demi? What about those tits? Oh, those were for a film (the classic **COUGHpieceofshitCOUGH**, Striptease), so it doesn't count? Get out. And that face? It's so tight Ashton could bounce a quarter off it.

Here's the thing. No one really cares if Demi has a nip and a tuck, or a shot or a peel. JUST DON'T EFFING LIE ABOUT IT!


2009 Daytime Emmy Awardzzzzzzzzzz

"I'D LIKE TO THANK MEEEE!!"
The only cute ones there, Portia and Ellen.
Tyra, threatening with her eyes,
instead of smiling with them.

I know, the Daytime Emmy Awards are a bit of the red-headed step-child of awards shows. I really don't care about them, but having seen these pictures of Tyra (in two different dresses, of course. That copper Cavalli get-up is a bit much, don't you think?) Ty-ranny (can be pronounced two ways!) actually won, too, for (gulp) Outstanding Talk Show. Really? Here's what the self-proclaimed "Lightbulb Head" had to say about her show:

"You've got to move and I've totally redone my show from skin and guts — how it looks, feels all the way down to content, because of the changing generation," Banks said.

I take that statement to mean if anyone disagrees with her ass, their ass is OUT.

ANYshrug. Here's the list of winners (aka: people I've never heard of in my entire life):

DRAMA SERIES
"The Bold and the Beautiful"

ACTOR
Christian LeBlanc, "Young and the Restless"

ACTRESS
Susan Haskell, "One Life to Live"

SUPPORTING ACTOR
(Tie)
Jeff Branson, "Guiding Light"
Vincent Irizarry, "All My Children"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Tamara Braun, "Days of Our Lives"

YOUNGER ACTOR
Darin Brooks, "Days of Our Lives"

YOUNGER ACTRESS
Julie Berman, "General Hospital"

DAYTIME DRAMA DIRECTING
"One Life to Live"

DAYTIME DRAMA WRITING
"General Hospital"

TALK SHOW (INFORMATIVE) Ummm...I don't even have a comeback.
"The Tyra Banks Show"

TALK SHOW (ENTERTAINMENT)
"Rachael Ray" Wait. It should read: RACHAEL RAY, Bitches ! ! ! Pain. In. My. Left. Eye.

TALK SHOW HOST
Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Whoopi Goldberg, Sherri Shepherd, Barbara Walters, "The View" Jaaaayzus. Those screeching hens won??

GAME SHOW
"Cash Cab" OH! That's a cool show.

GAME SHOW HOST
Meredith Vieira, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"

MORNING PROGRAM
"Good Morning America"

Yawwwwwnnnn.

Victoria Beckham's ad for her 2009 dress collection at Bergdorf-Goodman looks like a horror movie...



Eeeegads. Watch this weirdness til the very end. Creepy little Vicks is watching. Those skinny bitches better not stop swinging. Ever.

Update on DJ AM - Survivor's Guilt and PTSD

RIP, DJ AM

Travis Barker from Blink 182

Just a quick follow-up on the death last week of DJ AM. I don't think anyone can know what was going on in his head when he relapsed, and ultimately died from what seems to be an overdose of crack cocaine and pain meds.

via MSN.com

"After living through the terrible ordeal of the plane crash that took the lives of four of his friends in September 2008, Adam Goldstein, or DJ AM, suffered from Survivor Guilt. Although he and friend Travis Barker from Blink 182 managed to get out of the plane, they received severe burns. Despite being alive, DJ AM could not shake the feelings of sorrow for the fate of his friends that perished on the plane.

In an email that was sent last October, shortly after the crash, DJ AM expressed his feelings of guilt that he survived while others did not. The recipient of the email shared it with Radar. Here is a sample of what DJ AM said: "I had no idea of how the survivors guilt could have felt. I'm a mess though man. I just hope time will fix this depressed feeling asap. I can't go on being this miserable." Survivor guilt is a mental condition in which a person perceives himself to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event. It may also be described as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

This event makes me wonder if DJ AM had actually taken care of his mental health after surviving the plane crash last year (with Blink 182's Travis Barker). I would guess he didn't. Survivor's guilt is a real condition and is accompanied by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I certainly hope Travis is involved in some sort of intensive psychotherapy at this point, even though he's on tour. This is just another blow to a fragile psyche (of a musician going through a nasty and public divorce, no less). We really don't need or want to hear any more bad news...

Travis? Please take care of yourself.

Today's Blind Item - Hot Tranny Mess Edition!


Uh oh.

"Which A-list celeb is terrified that his drunken one night stand with a transvestite is about to come to light? He is already bracing close friends and family for the bad news..."

via The Daily Mirror/CDaN

Oh gurrrl. Someone's got some 'splainin' to do. Let's see...The Daily Mirror is a British rag, so we may think of someone like Daniel Radcliffe? (He just hasn't come out yet, but we all know.) I doubt he'd go with a tranny. There's also that American A-lister everyone still is whispering about.

Chris Brown? SHUT the eff UP.


Goddamnit. Guess what, y'all? Chris Brown doesn't remember a THING about beating Rihanna to a bloody pulp. What??

Does this a-hole really think wearing a baby blue sweater and a dorky bow-tie will make us think he's just a misunderstood young man? ("Like, wow.")

We will have a hair-lighting ceremony tonight during Larry King. God knows, my hair will be on fire.

Happy 60th Birthday, Richard Gere!

You'll always be Julian Kaye to me, Richard.

Richard Gere is 60?? God, I'm old. (Yes. Richard Gere's birthday is about how old I am.) I saw "American Gigolo" in 1980 at the Granada Theatre on State Street in Santa Barbara with my gorgeous partner-in-crime, Joanne. (She knows what we were up to; it was before the word "stalker" became part of society's vernacular. **COUGHkennylogginsCOUGH**)

Those were the DAYS, my friends. Driving around SB, eating, looking for Kenny Loggins, shopping, eating...and oh yeah, eating. Good Lawd, we ate a lot.

Forgive me, Lucky's in Montecito. We stole a bottle of ketchup because we never, ever had enough ketchup for our fries when we went through a drive-thu.

What was I talking about? Ah yes...happy birthday, Richard Gere. You bring back strange and wonderful memories.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Rossdale Family at the beach....

Gwen, Gavin, some kid, Zuma and Crybaby Kingston
Gavin? Is that really your six-pack?

Yeah, I know. Them again. Sorry, they were parading around Malibu beach looking like the perfect little fam, so I had to show y'all.

I always knew Gavin Rossdale was purrrdy, I just had no idea about them pecs, them pecs. Wow.

And I'd kill for Gwen's legs. I said I'd KILL, not "I'd exercise" to get Gwen's legs. I'm not stupid.

This douche is NOT what I want to see first thing Sunday morning.

Ick. Nast.

Goddamnit, Gosselin. Thanks for making me swear on Sunday morning. But I never, ever thought I 'd have to see your flip-flopped ass "hosting" a Vegas pool party. They seem to just dole this gatherings to just any a-hole, don't they?

Just look at this douche (read: PAID, father of 8), trying his best "sexy-face" at Wet Republic at the MG-EFFING-Grand. I don't know if I'll be able to finish licking my plate of Eggs Florentine (wiping hollandaise from my chin).

Okay. Nothing keeps me from licking hollandaise. Hush up.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Holy Crap, I found it, ya'll! (I'll take The Rapist for $200)


Via Funnordie.com
First and foremost, I do not own this effing hilarious video. NBC does, like we didn't know that.

Do y'all even KNOW how hard and long ("That's what your mother said, Trebek!") I've looked for my favorite SNL "Celebrity Jeopardy" skit?

Ohhhh. Good times. Could David Duchovny been any funnier? I think not.

Oasis are F&*@ing Babies.

Fighty-Dogs, Liam and Noel Gallagher

These two buttholes make me wanna curse something fierce. Seems the naughty Gallagher brothers of Oasis have called it quits (again?).

via The Times Online (London):

"The Britpop pioneers Oasis have split up after Noel Gallagher, the lead guitarist and songwriter, said last night that he was quitting the group.

He and his brother Liam, the group’s lead singer, have long had a tempestuous relationship in the band, which released their first album 15 years ago and helped to lead the Britpop era in the mid-Nineties. It was this brotherly tension that reportedly led to the parting of ways.

Oasis had been due to perform at the Rock en Seine festival in Paris last night, but the crowd were told by Bloc Party, who were due to perform before Oasis, that the band would not be appearing.

Many of the crowd reportedly thought that the announcement was a joke until a message appeared on the big screens saying that Oasis would not be performing due to an “altercation within the band”.

The Scottish singer Amy Macdonald, who was playing in the festival last night, wrote on her Twitter page shortly after 9pm, “Oasis cancelled again with one minute to stage time! Liam smashed Noel’s guitar, huuuge fight!”

In an official statement on the band’s website, Noel, 42, wrote last night: “It’s with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer.

In an interview with NME magazine this month, Liam was asked if he would oppose Noel taking time off from the band to pursue a solo career. He said: “If it makes him happy, yeah, if it makes him happy.

“If it was up to me I’d have six months off and then get straight back in the studio and make records. That’s what I’m in Oasis for. I’m not here to f***ing sit around for five years twiddling my thumbs.”

Liam, 36, had taken to his Twitter page earlier this week to dispel rumours that the band were due to split and to apologise to fans at the V Festival.

As well as paying tribute to the bands who covered Oasis’s slot and apologising for having “given you sh*t” in the past, Liam wrote: “Finally reports in smartarses column about Oasis last British gig ever. The kids talking out his arse, I mean rkids, bware of darkness. LG.”

Liam had revealed earlier this month that he and Noel were no longer on speaking terms and while on tour travelled separately, seeing each other only on stage.

Oasis came to national attention in 1994 with the release of their single Supersonic, which was followed by the album Live Forever, which reached No 1, later that year and (What’s The Story) Morning Glory? in 1995."

I've always referred to these two brats as "fighty-dogs"--you know, when doggies get up on their hind legs and "box" each other, but no one gets hurt? Oh, it sounds ferocious (aahhhhrrr, aahhhhrrr, SNORT!), but it's all in good fun. Having two adult sons of my own, I know how they will fight, then hang out, playing Nintendo like nothing ever happened.

I'm about to cross the pond to have a chat with the Gallagher boys. They both need a good smack on the back of the head, if you ask me.

Get back on the farkin' stage!

Buttholes, I tell ya.


Happy 51st Birthday, Michael Jackson - Song of the Day, "Billie Jean"



This is how we will remember you, Michael.

Would someone, I don't care who, please bury this man??

Today's Blind Item - Game Show Edition!


"This game show host thinks of himself as a rock star and loves nothing more than to find groupies of the show he can take back to his dressing room so he can get some rock star treatment if you know what I mean."

via CDaN



"I'll take The Rapists for $200, Trebek". Ohman. I loved those SNL skits.

I'm hearing rumblings, though, about a heavy-set dude on a very popular game show.

Friday, August 28, 2009

DJ AM Found Dead in NYC


Holy shit. This isn't funny anymore and it's not cool, man. DJ AM was found dead this evening in New York City. He was 36. Good Lord. For those of you who aren't sure who he was, he was a fantastic DJ, who played parties and events, was engaged to Nicole Ritchie at one point and was generally very well respected for what he did.

via TMZ:

"Sources tell us he was found in his apartment at around 5:20 PM. We're told drug paraphernalia was found at the scene.

Our sources say DJ AM had not been seen or heard from for a few days -- one of his friends went to check on him, but got no response after knocking on his apartment door.

We're told the friend called the cops -- but it was the fire department who finally entered his apartment and found the body.

Back in September of 2008, DJ AM and Travis Barker survived a plane crash in South Carolina. Four people died in the crash -- which was caused when the airplane aborted takeoff and then ran off the runway. DJ AM and Barker were the only survivors."

There are whispers of drugs being involved (the mention of paraphernalia being found), but we won't know that for a good while. I've heard of people dealing with "survivor's guilt" after living through something as horrific as he and Travis did...you just don't know what's going on in someone's head, do you?

DJ AM's last Tweet on Twitter was:

"New york, new york. Big city of dreams, but everything in new york aint always what it seems."

Oh dear.

Rest in peace, Adam.

Today's Blind Item - Brat Edition


"This celebrity couple is stressing out over one of their kids. Despite their best efforts at parenting, the child was almost expelled from a very expensive private school last semester. While we are not exactly sure of the details, the accusation had something to do with the repeated theft of private property.

In order to prevent the publicity and shame that might result from an expulsion, the parents have paid to make the problem go away. Their precious child will not only return to the same school this fall, they will get to enjoy the facilities enhanced due to the very generous donation made by Mommy and Daddy." [Blind Gossip]

I can't wait to find out who this is, but I would love to think it's that jerk-in-training, Jaden Smith (Will and Jada's snotty kid). He always looks so smug and "above it all", that it seems like a good fit.

I hope it's not Maddox Jolie-Pitt.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Sandra Bullock should fire her stylist. Or herself.

Still with the booties??

Sandra! You're better than this. You only have a few years of being a natural beauty and you go to your own premiere like this? Good gawd.

I refused to jump on the bootie train when everyone started that crap up, and I sure has hell would never have worn them with a dress. Aren't we supposed to eeelooongaaate? It looks like Sandra ran outa the house in black socks.

Sandy's dress makes my head hurt (even more than usual). I think its hideousness speaks for itself. I cannot go on.


Britney's in on it, right?



Check out Russell Brand's Michael Jackson tattoo! Pretty sweet.

God, PLEASE let this year's VMA's be better than last year--please? Oh, and there's a rumor
going around that the Queen of Pop will perform her new single "Celebration" at next month's Video Music Awards in New York City.

Those set to perform during the show, which takes place Sept. 13 at Radio City Music Hall, include Jay-Z, Lady Gaga, Pink, Taylor Swift, Green Day and Muse.

I suppose I'll watch, if not just to ogle Russell with my darling Annette (who's half a world away).


Gwen Stefani takes kids to see dad, Gavin perform at The Grove - Kingston ain't havin' it.

Kingston's crying again.
Gavin's playing malls now?
Oh, yeah. A benefit show.

Kingston's a crybaby! Kingston's a crybaby!

Gwen Stefani brought her boys Kingston and Zuma to see their dad Gavin Rossdale perform as part of the Donate Life Summer Concert Series at The Grove in L.A. on Wednesday night, but someone was being a cranky-doodle about it.

Hey, this isn't the first time I've seen Kingston Rossdale bawling his head off. The last crying scene was when the Rossdales took the special ones to an L.A. park and some kid (I'm picturing Cartman from "South Park") smacked Kingston and made him cry like the baby he is. Nanny stepped right in to coddle.


So. Here we have Kingston. Crying a-bloody-gain. I love how Gwen is making the "awwww, it's okay"-face, but not holding him. Gawd. That might involve messing up that hairdo.

Hey, GWEN? How 'bout you step in and comfort him your damn self?


Madonna Loves the Gypsies!



Oh Madonna. Way to piss off the Romanians. Honestly. Madonna has been living in her own 5-star hotel of a life for so long that she just has no sense of reality. None.

"While onstage, the Material Girl told her views on discrimination in Eastern Europe, where anti-Gypsy (or Roma as they’re known there) behavior is common.

During the concert, Madge told 60,000 concertgoers her thoughts about how discrimination made her “very sad, especially because we don’t believe in discrimination against anyone.”

Despite the poor reaction, Madonna continued on - hoping to try and get through to the crowd, saying,”We believe in equal rights for everyone, right? Gypsies, homosexuals, people who are different; everyone is equal and should be treated with respect, OK? Let’s not forget that.”

While I appreciate Madonna's "can't we all just get along" sentiment, I wasn't confronted by gangs of homosexuals trying to steal my purse while in Europe...it was a gang of gypsies. What a ridiculous comparison she's making.

I'm offended on behalf of my Gays.

Goddamnit, Chris Brown. *Update on A-Hole Behavior*

"Raise yer hand if ya beat yer woman!"

You know, I always say, after being sentenced for beating your girlfriend bloody, the best thing to do is hit the hottest club in L.A.--Guys and Dolls.
I just feel that laying low, being introspective and even humble is a mistake. Don't you?

Oh. I guess it's just me and that a-hole Chris Brown.

What a GD dumbass.

**UPDATE**

It seems the dumbass, Chris Brown could very well be in violation of his GD probation by even setting foot in the club, Guys and Dolls last night. He may get off on a technicality (read: Because he's an effing CELEBRITY) due to this wording in the court documents:

"The probation report states that Brown must "abstain from the use of all alcoholic beverages and stay out of places where they are the chief item of sale."


What is UP with the Lohan Girls' Faces? And WHY?

WHAT the hell??
Photo: OK Magazine

Is there any reason two relatively good looking young--and I do mean YOUNG--women would start effing around with their faces??

Yes. I know I've been posting about the Lohan girls quite a bit this week. I can't look away. It's The Car Wreck Syndrome.

Here we have 16 (read: 35) year old Ali and 23 (read: WTF?) year old Lindsay. It's like they go get injections into their lips and faces the way we civilians get a mani-pedi. Jaaayzus. Lindsay is trotting around town whispering "pruuuuuune" for the paps and giving us all an Angie-pout, while Ali is doing her best looking much like a Lawn Guyland single-mom.

I don't get it. Do YOU?

Tiny Snippet of Madonna's New Single, "CELEBRATION", Bitches!



Loving this...are you??

Oh, Boys??? I'm talkin' to you!

I'm not posting this for PETA. I'm posting it because I love Andy Dick and Giminy Glick.



Having said that, I don't ever get chicken (or anything else for that matter) at MacDonalds, or KFC. I've heard of these tactics and they're horrible. I'm a veggie who says "it's not for ethical reasons"...but maybe part of it is...hmmmm.

But goddaaayum, if that wasn't funny!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Today's Blind Item - You'll LOVE This Edition!!

You know, she actually looks
cute here. Must be a bad angle.

"This blind item is going to be phrased as a piece of advice. If you pay your drug dealer on time he won't break into your house and take your things. Just saying."

via CDaN

Dominick Dunne Passed Away Today. Sigh.

Dominick Dunne
1925-2009

I feel quite sad about the passing of Dominick Dunne. He was a prolific best-selling author and special correspondent for Vanity Fair Magazine. He died of bladder cancer today at his home in Manhattan.

Mr. Dunne was someone I could listen to for hours on end. His delivery and passion when reporting on the sensational trials of O.J. Simpson, the Menendez brothers, Phil Spector, William Kennedy Smith were riveting. Sadly, that passion flowed from the tragic murder of his own daughter, then watching her killer go free. It's well-known what an active advocate for victim's rights Mr. Dunne had been during the years after his daughter's death.

It's been insinuated that Mr. Dunne was a bit of a name-dropper when speaking or writing...how could he not have been, given his circle of friends? It was part of the charm of his writing. I admired how Mr. Dunne wasn't afraid of anyone...even the Kennedy family. (Coincidentally, Ted Kennedy died today as well.) I have a feeling Mr. Dunne may be smirking about the timing of today's events.

Vanity Fair just won't be the same without Dominick Dunne.

Rest in peace, Mr. Dunne. You will be missed.

Sick. Migraine. Dark Room.

I will be back later.

xoxo j

Today's Blind Item - Junkie Edition


"This well respected Academy Award winner/nominee actress has had a dramatic weight loss recently thanks to her heroin use. Her habit has become so bad that people are convinced they saw her using in a popular LA Japanese restaurant."

via CDaN

There are a slew of names being tossed into the ring on this one. Some worry me. Some are ridiculous. The whole thing is scary.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Oh Boy. Here We Go. A Self-Serving Blog About My Boxer!

James Beckham

http://www.moderndogmagazine.com/photocontest/dogs/09/08/25/james-beckham

Oh yes. James Beckham, our boxer is in a beauty pageant of sorts. He's entered in a doggy contest in Modern Dog Magazine.

Either James or I will nibble your ear if you vote for him!

Chris Brown Received His Wrist-Slap Today.

Brown got probation and community service
for doing this.
I don't like the look on his face.

TMZ has done a cracker jack job (seriously) with their reporting of the whole Chris Brown circus in downtown L.A. today. I would just like to say that this is Celebrity Justice once again. May I just say that I know someone who was charged with a "minor in possession" (for an UNOPENED can of beer!) and received a very similar sentence. In fact, this person was facing some jail time. I call complete and utter bullshit on the special treatment Brown received for the brutal beating he gave Rihanna.

I'm not saying anything new, or anything I haven't said before. Here is the TMZ.com rundown of today's sentencing:

He must complete a 52 week domestic violence program sponsored by the Commonwealth Catholic Charities.

Brown must personally come to court every 3 months during his probation. The first appearance will be November 19.

Brown must perform 180 days of community labor. He must also pay $2,500 in restitution. He'll have to pay another $2,500 in probation expenses. He must also pay a $30 criminal conviction fee --BARGAIN! He must also pay $400 that goes into a domestic violence fund.

The judge issued a protective order. Brown is ordered not to harass, assault, threaten, molest, threaten, etc. Rihanna. He must surrender all firearms within 24 hours. He can't have any contact with Rihanna, even on the phone or through a 3rd person. He must stay 100 yards away from her, unless there's an entertainment-related event, in which he must stay 10 yards away. The protective order lasts 5 years.

Brown must get prior approval before leaving the country.

Brown jumped the gun and said he accepted the terms of probation, even before the judge finished her sentence

UPDATE:
The judge just said she wanted to reiterate that she wanted him to do hard time ... like washing cars, grafitti removal, etc."
******
"The court has released the officer's report from the night Chris Brown beat up Rihanna -- describing the entire incident in graphic detail.

According to the report, cops responded to a "screaming woman" -- and when they arrived, they noticed a "very upset and crying" Rihanna seated in the driver's seat of a parked vehicle.

Rihanna told the officer she got into an argument with Chris Brown over something that had occurred at an event they were at earlier in the evening.

"The victim said she became enraged and slammed both of her fists against the dashboard on the passenger side of the car they were in. She reported that the defendant then pulled the vehicle over and reached over her with his right hand. He opened the car door and tried to force the victim out."

According to the report, Brown was unable to shove Rihanna out of the car because she was wearing a seatbelt.

The report continues, "When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the car. "

"The victim then faced the defendant and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then continued driving."

"As he drove, he continued to punch the victim in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand."

Rihanna told cops the "assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the inside of the car."

Rihanna told cops after Brown "stopped his first assault .. she looked in the mirror and saw her eye beginning to swell.

[Brown] looked at [Rihanna] and said 'I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'"

Rihanna told police she tried to call her personal assistant, but she didn't pick up -- but Rihanna says she "pretended to talk, saying, 'I'm on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.'"

Rihanna says she pulled the act "because she did not want to get beat anymore."

But after Rihanna's fake phone conversation, she claims Brown "looked at [Rihanna] and said, "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!"

Rihanna told cops that Brown unleashed a second wave of punches, "during which time [Rihanna] interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face." He continued to punch her on her left arm, which caused a contusion on her left tricep.

At that point Rihanna tried texting her assistant. Brown threw the phone out of the car, stopped the vehicle and Rihanna then tried opening her door to get out, but Brown sped off and the door shut with Rihanna inside.

Brown placed Rihanna in a headlock while he drove, then bit her on her left ear. The car eventually stopped and Rihanna took the keys out of the ignition, and Brown began to punch her again in the face and arms. He placed her in a headlock and started applying pressure to her carotid artery. She couldn't breathe and began to lose consciousness. She tried freeing herself, and Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her.

Rihanna took off her shoe and tried breaking the passenger window, and he continued to punch her.

Eventually, Brown got out of the car. Rihanna opened the door and continued screaming. Brown began punching her again. He got back in the car and screamed "Where are my f***ing keys?" He got out, looked for the keys in vain, and when he could not find them removed several CDs and walked away.

Officers were called and observed numerous contusions and abrasions to Rihanna's face and forehead, as well as bruising on her left arm. There were other injuries as well.

Investigators determined Brown was wearing a large ring on his right hand which caused several of Rihanna's injuries."

Today's (and probably the best EVER) Guest Reviewer - The Tremendous Carter Magna

JET, bitches.


V Festival 2009 Chelmsford

or Diary of a Virgin Festival Virgin

or Carter Goes Bonkers in Chelmsford


I'd been looking forward to this festival since my good friend Hedgetrimmer from my University days informed me that I was going to part with 150 quid of my hard earned and attend whether I liked it or not.

What choice did I have?

Me and the flatmate Masher set out on Friday morning for the short 140 mile jag across to Mildenhall to meet up with Hedgetrimmer and his good lady wife Tahiti, transfer our gear from the car to the camper van, stock up on massive amounts of food and booze and take a leisurely trundle down to Chelmsford.

Once on the campsite, a special posh-ish one for campervans and the like, we set up the awning and got down to the serious business of doing bugger all but eat and drink in the gorgeous mid-August sun.

A Range Rover towing a caravan pulled up and what looked like 3 died in the wool sisters of Gaia emerged. Proper fit but covered in tatts. When they were having trouble hammering stakes in to the ground for their windbreaker Tahiti suggested I help out. No chance. I was not going to offer my manly services to three man-hating, but fit, versions of Millie-Tant. Noooooo way. I like my testicles the shape they are.

Two minutes later and one of them was batting her eyelashes and asking if there was a big, strong man around to hammer in these nasty widdle pieces of wood. I confidently strode over to bludgeon the unhelpful match sticks into the deck. After successfully erecting the engineering marvel of 4 sticks and some plastic canvas and smashing my wrist three times with the rubber mallet I sulked back to the camper van with slightly less of a strut.

We drank, we ate, we listened to music and we played cards. Simple but effective entertainment for all four of us thirty something party animals.

Getting in to the venue the next afternoon was a pain in the ass as the campervan site had to share a venue with all the commoners who only had day passes. I mean really. What is the world coming to? My mood was brought even further down by having to queue for almost an hour and a half for beer tokens. Not queuing for beer but for beer tokens which then meant you had to queue for the beer itself. Not a great start but truth be told it was the only down point of the weekend.

We missed most of the Noisettes due to the beer queues but to be fair they've got one decent song and that's been played to death on the radio so I couldn't really care. Jet were the next act up on the 4Music stage and they were pretty damn good. Being Aussies I thought they might have a bit of a banter at the cricket. They didn't which was probably just as well. Jet are a very good band and they played a quality set which I enjoyed hugely along with the sun and the beer.

Dizzee Rascal was next and if you ever get a chance to see him live go. Just go. Bonkers was a particular highlight alongside some white middle age bloke saying how funny it was that the crowd was full of, and I mean 99% at least, white kids trying to sing and dance like black Londoners. "I can hear 'dem sirens comin'!" Really? All the way from Surbiton? Awesome set.

The Wombats really surprised me, I've heard their popular, mainstream hits and it's always been a nice thing to have on in the background but I was honestly taken aback. I'm pretty sure that at this point I was quite drunk. :o) It was also about this point that we made some Festival Friends in Paul, Gareth, Mandy and Imelda. They're not right in the head. They really aren't! Brilliant people and a cracking laugh.

There was quite a buzz about the place for the next band and the 4Music stage began to fill up for Pendulum as dusk fell . 35,000 people going off their nut is quite a sight to behold I can assure you but I thought they were crap. They sounded exactly the same live as they do on their albums so it wasn't a reproduction issue. I just didn't get it. Accuse me of heresy if you will, lots of people have, but I thought they were mediocre at best.

Masher and Hedgetrimmer didn’t accuse me of heresy. They just called me an idiot.

Fat Boy Slim came on. Brilliant. Just amazing the way he plays other peoples records on a record player. Again, I was the only one in the place not going crazy, I just do not get dance music. I decided at this point to head on back to the campervan and get the dinner on.

The gas bottle had run out (the camper ran on LPG gas for the cooker, fridge and hot water) but there was a spare so at midnightish armed with spanner and a maglite and as pissed as a handcart I went to resolve the issue. The connection was tighter than a Yorkshireman's wallet and I sliced my finger open after chewing the brass nut. After Hedgetrimmer had phoned Tahiti's Dad the secret to gas bottle maintenance was bestowed upon me. Gas bottles have a left hand thread. That NASCAR Engineering degree was useless in the campervan world. “Righty-tighty Lefty-Loosey” just didn’t apply. My whole belief system was stood upon it’s head, it was like seeing Stephen Hawking being levitated by Paul Daniels.

Chicken Curry sandwiches for supper. Gourmet scran I think you'll all agree.

Sunday arrived and still the weather was the best we poor Brits had seen all summer. Sunday promised to be the highlight. One of my favourite bands were headlining that night and I was anticipating greatness. After another quality fried breakfast courtesy of Hedgetrimmer and his mastery of the campervan's facilities we wound our way to the festival site to be greeted by a poxy piece of A4 paper pronouncing that "Oasis have had to cancel tonight's performance due to illness."

For the rest of the day any mention of Oasis and Liam's so called viral laryngitis was roundly booed and discredited. The fact they played the night before at Stafford and Liam stayed up until stupid o' clock on the pop was widely known and the Rock Star has Hangover headline did not impress.

Weapons grade knobhead.

We headed for the 4Music stage again because it was pretty comfy and there are two big trees that we could get some respite from the burning sun if we needed. Alicia Dixon was just finishing her set. Why the hell she was at a festival I don’t know but it provided many photo opportunities of scantily clad young ladies bopping around. Not bopping with me but near enough for me to revel in that age old English tradition of leching. Happy days.

Our festival friends from the day before re-joined us and when Katie Perry came on it was time to get excited. England had taken 5 wickets in the morning session leaving Australia requiring 300 runs over 2 days with their best batsmen gone. Masher had the DAB radio on 5Live Sports Extra and with one earpiece each we multi-tasked in the most manly way possible; Katie Perry frolicking in front of us and the final test of the Ashes 2009 in our lugholes.

With every wicket that went down fresh chants were originated from our vicinity and spread at least three rows. Sod Oasis. England had regained the Ashes and we were in party mode.

Katie Perry may be ultra fit but England winning the Ashes is something *SPECIAL* that only we very manly Englishmen and our unfortunate Aussie lady friend Mandy can appreciate. Poor girl.

We popped over to watch the Streets and all I heard was a muffled thud-thudding from the tent as me and my new Strine friend queued for bloody ages for a couple of beers. Streets missed.

Back to the 4Music stage for more dancing to whoever was on and more beer. I really can’t remember who we saw after the Streets but we got really near the front for Keane and this is how I know I was bladdered, Keane sounded really good. Everyone must have been having a good time by now as there was only a small boo when they covered ‘Don’t Look Back In Anger’ so yup! We were smashed.

A belting weekend enjoyed with some of the finest people I could ever wish to know.

Some expert impromptu cricket was played using electrical tape, a copy of Private Eye, a tent pole and a piece of cardboard from a Guinness multipack.

Many beers were sunk.

Some absent Mancunian assholes.

No sunburn despite epic weather.

Some pointed reminders from Masher and Hedgetrimmer that “Pub Etiquette” does not apply at Festivals. If someone barges past you, let them. If a piss-bomb hits you (you know if it’s real piss as it’s very, very warm) you cannot seek out the offender and administer some Chard justice.

Some crap music.

Some cracking music.

Hedgetrimmer, Tahiti, Masher, Mandy, Imelda, Paul and Graham. You’ve made my summer.

Hedgetrimmer has just informed me that he’s already got 8 tickets for next year. For me it really cannot come soon enough.





Adam Lambert's Latest Photoshoot - Over the top? NOOOO!!!

Her Royal Glamness, ya'll!
Adam With a G!
Miss Adam has been practicing this
pose in the mirror ALL HER LIFE.
Everyone--all together in KEY!
"It might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie,
baby..gay gay gay..."

Oh Miss Adam. No. These photos are NOT over-the-top--for you.

I seriously cannot wait for Adam's cd. Are you guys excited??

LeAnn Rimes and that Eddie guy are just PARADIN' it around..

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes "golfing"

Ugh. These two again. Just flaunting it for all the world to see--too bad Eddie's wife, Brandi Glanville isn't taking this crap lying down. It seems Miss Brandi saw exactly what was going on during a double-date in the midst of filming of that gawd-awful Lifetime movie Eddie and LeAnn were filming.

via People Magazine:

"We went to play pool, went for sushi, dancing," Brandi tells People Magazine.

Not only was her husband flirting with Rimes, but also Brandi explains that LeAnn was also very affectionate with Eddie. "They were very touchy-feely," she says.

"They seemed happy. [But] I felt like it was almost like 'I love my husband. I'm not after your husband.'"

Brandi stood by her husband when news of the affair broke but Eddie would reportedly always talk about LeAnn, which was when Brandi decided it was time to call it quits.

"We were in therapy, but he never stopped talking to [LeAnn] so how could that have worked?" asks Brandi
."

Eddie's looking square in the eye at some hefty spousal and child support payments. Lawd knows he doesn't get that much work.

Paula Abdul is set to host VH1 Divas Live!

"I'm hoshting the Divash, Bitchesh!"

First things first. The line-up for the 2009 VH1's Divas Live is well, questionable at best. The latest edition of the franchise will include performances by Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus, Leona Lewis, and Jordin Sparks, and VH1 says additional performers and presenters will be added in coming weeks.

Children, back in my day, the VH1 Divas Live was something special. We were given Cher, Mariah, Celine and Aretha. WORK IT, DIVAS! Nothing against Jordin Sparks, but a diva she is not. These young women have not come close to what it takes to be called a Diva.

If Whitney wants a real comeback, why doesn't she get her clavicle and wig up on that Diva stage where we want her??

WE WANT WHITNEY!

Oh, this was supposed to be about Paula Lushdrool hosting the Divas. Does this mean she thinks she's one, too? I actually think she might be a Diva. All she's missing is some talent.


Today's Blind Item - ALLEGEDLY Gay Edition (Yeah. Another one.)


"This would certainly confirm some long term rumors. This bald, male, former A list action star and now a solid B in movies only was spotted at a house party this past weekend making out with a guy. The thing about it is he wasn't trying to be discreet at all. There have to be some pictures of this because there were just too many people at the party." via CDaN

Two names are being tossed around with this one. One actually lives in the lovely ski resort town I am vacationing in right now (some of ya'll know where), and fits the description, but it would a HUGE shock; the second is an actor that I never really considered A list (or even sold B list), but has had definite rumors of gay-dom for a long time.

Ideas??

Monday, August 24, 2009

Does Ali Lohan go to school? Ever?

Ali Lohan, sadly looking MILF-ish.

I'm pretty sure we've talked about Ali Lohan and her apparent lack of education, but it warrants further discussion, don't you think?

We all know Lindsay's "younger" sister (she's 16??) looks like a 37-year-old, divorced mother of three, who can't really afford the Lexus LX570 SUV she drives them to junior high in. But she's really should finish her education. I think she should have at the very least, two years to go?

Melanie Griffith Checks Back Into Rehab


It's being reported that Melanie Griffith has checked into the Cirque Lodge in Utah for substance abuse.

Melanie has struggled with substance abuse since she was young. I would imagine she's had a tough time of things. Sure, she's married to hunky Spanish actor, Antonio Banderas. I think she actually struggles with that, in that people are cruel and say things like, "what's he doing with her?" That can't feel good. Women in Hollywood, for the most part are not allowed to age, hence all of Melanie's plastic surgery. I have a feeling she's quite insecure about a lot of areas of her life. It's sad, and it has taken its toll.

I feel badly for her and hope she can work things out.

Lethal Levels of Propofol Found In Michael Jackson's System - Ruled as HOMOCIDE. Big, fat surprise?

MJ's still not buried, by the way.


Coroner's sealed documents have been opened and it's being revealed that a lethal level of Propofol was indeed in Michael Jackson's system at the time of his death.

The L.A. Times is reporting:

"L.A. County coroner's officials found lethal levels of the powerful anesthetic propofol after examining Michael Jackson's body, according to a search warrant affidavit unsealed today in Houston.

On the morning Jackson died, Murray tried to induce sleep without using propofol, according to the affidavit. He said he gave Jackson valium at 1:30 a.m. When that didn't work, he said, he injected lorazepam intravenously at 2 a.m. At 3 a.m., when Jackson was still awake, Murray administered midazolam.

Over the next few hours, Murray said he gave Jackson various drugs. Then at 10:40 a.m., Murray administered 25 milligrams of propofol after Jackson repeatedly demanded the drug, according to the court record.

[Updated at 12:45 p.m.: Although Murray acknowledged to police that he administered Profofol, authorities said they could find no evidence that he had purchased, ordered or obtained the medication under his medical license or DEA tracking number. However, police detectives saw about eight bottles of Propofol in the house along with other vials and pills that had been prescribed to Jackson by Dr. Murray, Dr. Arnold Klein and Dr. Allan Metzger."

I'll say it again: They are gonna put a bitch in jaaaail. At least one of these doctors (most certainly Dr. Murray) will be charged with manslaughter.

Lindsay Lohan robbed AGAIN?

Basted to perfection.
Yeah. Your lips are plumped
because your are biting them. OHHHkay.

Yeeeesh. Lindsay's been "robbed" again.

via TMZ and People Magazine:

LOS ANGELES -- Lindsay Lohan wasn't home when burglars broke into her Hollywood Hills home over the weekend, but she is "upset" by the crime, even as she prepares to move to a safer place, according to her mother.

The Los Angeles Police Department's Hollywood station received a report of a burglary at a residence in the 2200 block of El Contento Drive around 6 a.m. Sunday, a police watch commander said.

"The safe was ripped out of the wall, and the door was off the hinges and door handles removed," Lohan's mother, Dina, told People.com. "Bags, shoes and jewelry were taken too. Thank God she wasn't home."

Police could not provide details of what may have been taken or how the burglars got into the house, said Officer Norma Eisenman, an LAPD spokeswoman.

Lohan was apparently rattled, her mother told People. "She is okay, but upset."

The actress was planning to move "to a safer place" even before the break-in occurred, her mother said.

The weekend break-in was the second reported at Lohan's residence. The first was reported in May.

Lohan's father believes the burglary was an inside job, according to TMZ.com.

"I am not going to put up with individuals violating my family. Lindsay is a charitable, generous person that always gives. This is a personal violation and it has got to stop," he told TMZ.com."

I'd LOVE to know what was in the wall-mounted safe that was broken into. Maybe it's the recipe for her "Sevin Nyne" self-tanner. I hear it's just a bottle of Lawrey's Citrus BBQ Sauce.



Today's Blind Item - Drunkeshia McHousewifey Edition


"WHICH reality TV women party so hard every night that reporters gripe the ladies don't get out of bed to do phone interviews in the day?" CDaN

This sounds like the lovely ladies from Atlanta, yes? I tend to only watch the New York screeches, myself, but I tell ya what: I wouldn't get out of bed to do phone interveiws either! Are they supposed to sit in their home office? Psssh.

Today's Blind Item - Asshole Brother Edition


"Which brother who has achieved his own measure of success is a creepy egomaniac, according to some who have worked with him and don't really care to again?" via Village Voice/Michael Musto

My favorite line in a Bush song, "should I fly to Los Angeles; find my asshole brother?" This has NOTHING to do with the Blind Item...just a funny aside.

SO. A lot of people are guessing a Baldwin for this, but I'm thinking Chad Lowe, Rob's brother (horseface-Hillary Swank's ex-husband, as well).

Any other guesses?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

That Monster, Ryan Jenkins, Found Dead


Burn in hell, asshole.

I didn't write about this horrible story simply because it was just too, well, horrible. Seems this monster did himself in British Columbia today.

via D-Listed:

"Ryan Jenkins
, the contestant from Megan Wants A Millionaire who was accused of murdering his wife, was found in a motel in Hope, British Columbia. The police say Ryan's body was found by motel staff. They believe he offed himself, because his body was found hanging. Ryan was ID'ed through his fingerprints. Ryan's wife had to be identified by the serial number on her implants, because her fingers and teeth were removed.

Ryan was charged with the murder of Jasmine Fiore on August 20th, just 5 days after her body was found stuffed into a suitcase in Buena Park, CA. Ryan was hiding out in Canada after he escaped there by foot from the US."

I guess he figured once he was extradited, he wouldn't be able to afford attorney Mark Gerogos. Of course he didn't get Mark Peterson off for killing his wife, either.

That poor girl.

Recommended Movie of the Weekend (Totally Late) - "Silence of the Lambs"


"Hello, Clarice

GAAAH! I'm sorry this is late, ya'll! I'll fill ya in later...but here's your movie of the weekend--or WEEK--it's that much of a Classic.

I have been acting this out while we're watching it...I'm playing the parts of both Clarice and Hannibal.

I don't care what anyone says...Clarice and Hannibal were in love. I wish the film "Hannibal" had been made true to the book. If you haven't read it, I recommend doing so. It's one of my favorites because of the beautiful way Thomas Harris described the wondrous city of Florence.

Anyway. Again...favorite quotes? (Besides "...it puts the lotion in the basket." We all use that one!