Jennifer Lopez falls on her fat butt during the AMAs...and I LOVE it.

Does it get any better than that? A song called Louboutins and she totally eats it? (It's at the 2:40 mark.) And don't get me started on that ghetto entrance of hers. Just DON'T.


I like to think of JLo's ass-fall as a metaphor for what she considers her "career". 

Harsh.

Rihanna could also use some parental advice while in Paris.

Babygurrrl seems to have 

"left home without it"...again.

I don't know...maybe there are some underpinnings (as the old biddies used to say) underneath that sheer, striped thing Rihanna is sporting, but come ON. Here we have yet another young, 21-year old trotting around in hooker clothing.

I really don't think I'm a prude. How-effing-ever. This dress qualifies for a "Ho Stro" get-up. Know'msayin'? 

I think I tend to be a little more Judgey McJudgerson when I have Felix for the day. Or MAYBE these gals need to stop dressing like Vegas strippers? You decide, because I can't.

 

Raise your hand if you love the F-Bomb on network TV!

Y'all better watch this while you can. I'm positive NBC will yank this video.





HAHAHAHA! There are a LOT of "too bads" (literal and sarcastic) about this craziness.

1.) Too bad this was Jenny Slate's first appearance on SNL...and she drops the F-bomb. Awesome. It was fucking hilarious. Look at her "OOPS!" face.

"Oh, shit."

 2.) Too bad Lorne Michaels probably reamed her a new one after the skit was over. Hey Lorne?? Your sinking ship is getting a lot of much needed press. Shut the EFF up, and leave Jenny alone.


3.) Too bad Kristin Wiig is such a pro that she didn't even flinch. That was awesome. And


4.)  Too bad this makes up for stupid Megan Fox's hosting.

It's called a win/win. 

Khloe Kardashian's Engagement Ring

Khloe's big-ass ring.

Let's all hope Khloe Kardashian made a stipulation in the pre-nup (IS there one?) to keep the ring, knowm'sayin'?

I'll bet Kourtney is pissed at Khloe for stealing her thunder and tabloid covers, and I'll be KIM is pissed that she won't be the first Kardashian chick to get married.

I smell another family girl fight! 

Pamela Anderson? The REAL Origin of The Swine Flu on Parade in New Zealand

NAST.

OhdearLord. Why does Pamela Anderson feel the need to show us her raggedy bits and pieces...STILL? Here is Old Girl in New Zealand for their version of Fashion Week. (How awesome can it be if this old biddy is the best they have to offer?) Apparently, Pammy's working with some weird-ass "designer" named Richie Rich (who literally fell down on roller skates while following her down the runway).

Here's the thing. Pam has two young boys. And by that I mean CHILDREN OF HER OWN, not two dumb models tryna get ahead. Those two kids had better have standing reservations at every single rehab facility on the west coast. 

Pamela Anderson needs to STOP this -- NOW. 

Rihanna? Nice nipple rings! NSFW, ya'll...

Quit acting like we can't see 'em, RiRi.

I think it's only fair to show Rihanna looking pretty effing hot yesterday...and yep, those are some nipple rings. Chris Brown is cultivating pulling weed(s) right now...and his ex is parading herself all over town. Sweet!

Here's something y'all  probably didn't know: I used to have a ring just like RiRi's....just the right one. I loved it while I had it, but I'm over it now, and it's gone.

Ssssshhhh. Don't tell anyone that, okay?

Mariah Carey is on my last GD nerve.

 

OhforpitySAKE, Mimoo!

I actually feel sorry for Nick Cannon. I'm not entirely sure he knew what he was getting into by marrying this "eternally 12-year old" (her words) piece of crazy. He's her footman, umbrella carrier, Hello Kitty curator...you get the idea. According to her ex-bitch Eminem, she doesn't care for the sex, so, yeah. Poor Nick.

 

Check out Mimoo's size 4-Toddler XXXXXXXL tutu performing at the Palms in Las Vegas. You know, I shop a lot in the baby department these days because of my Meatpie Felix. I always see these tremendous little ballerina get-ups in the little girls' department; I sigh and think, "someday maybe I'll have a baby granddaughter to shop for".  But wait. It appears as though I can simply dress myself like a giant toddler-ballerina. It sure didn't stop Mariah Carey, did it?

I want one in black. I want to be the black swan from "Swan Lake". Clearly I could pull it off, oui?

       

All.The. Rage. Hell yeah, bitches. Break out the tutus. I give you permission. And so does Mimoo.

Oh, Candy Spelling. You slay me.

Dorian Gray and her foal.

See? The photo in the attic just
keeps getting OLDER. Then there's
the full-grown filly.

For all of you who have issues with family members,Candy Spelling (the Mother of All Mothers since Miss Crawford) has shown us that this is the latest--and best--way to communicate their shortcomings as human beings: Draft an email to TMZ and save your postage and lose your dignity, all in one fell swoop.

EXCLUSIVE TO: TMZ.COM
TO: MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)
FROM: CANDY SPELLING

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori's, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter's first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I'm sure its delivery will be on next week's episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won't like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don't read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying "she's late." I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.

Back to other reality stars. My husband taught me that the plots have to be fresh and updated. The same old whining gets tired after a while. Enough complaining about what may or may not have happened during first grade or YMCA camp, or what vegetable you were forced to endure, especially when you are privileged enough to be on TV and get paid for it.

For all the reality show personalities, please remember that real life doesn't get edited to make things better or worse or get better ratings. You're responsible for what you do. Life isn't just a show. And your families can't just be props. Make your own season finale without creating conflicts you will regret later.

That was awesome.

However, I highly doubt Tori's beef with her mother has anything to do with being forced to eat icky vegetables inasmuch as Tori clearly has the scurvy. I think it may have everything to do with the fact Tori only received $800,000 from her dad's gazillions when he passed away. That, and the fact that Candy went "on the record" saying that Tori "killed her father".

Oh. That.

Sidebar: You know what I've decided? If I ever somehow thought to get a stable of horses, I would name them Sarah, Jessica, Parker and Tori. Isn't that precious?

That was for Holly...because it IS funny every. Single. Time!

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's Youngest Daughter Loves a Drinky-Poo

Scout Willis arriving at her
over-the-top 18th birthday party.

Tallulah Willis, not
completely drunk yet.

Tallulah, showing us her Drunkface!

Rumer, arriving in a
see-through flapper dress.

Bruce with his new child bride.

Demi, looking better than she
has a right to.

I highly doubt Ashton got any
footage of his youngest step-daughter
being completely inappropriate.

I'm the first one to say "hindsight is 20/20", so let me get that out of the way right now. I'm no one to throw stones, but I've got a good arm and the parents in this mess better DUCK. I tell ya what--that little drunken snip Tallulah Belle would be shipped off to a strict boarding school THIS MORNING, had I been the mother in this situation. I guess not everyone learns from their mistakes, do they Demi? Apparently, older sister Scout's 18th birthday was a big ol' 20's-themed boozy party, probably complete with bathtub gin on tap.

I love how Bruce, Demi and Ashton self-righteously pretend they are so on top of what their girls are up to in terms of underage drinking (and all the other stuff that goes along with raising teenagers). Remember when the "adults" weren't all that happy when Rumer (aka Chinny Chin Chin) was hanging out with Lindsay a couple years ago? I'm sure that did a lot of good. Pssh.

I actually think Demi is more like her role in "Bobby" than she'd care to admit. Remember the scene where she was all drunk, smoking and belittling Sharon Stone's character, while gittin' her hair did? Yeah. That one. Having said that, she'd looked fan-effing-TASTIC. Better, in fact, that Bruce's Demi-wannabe new child wife. Maybe that's what really matters?

While Ashton and Demi were busy video-taping one another, where was Tallulah? Gettin' her drink on and hitting on older men and showing her goodies, that's where. She's FIFTEEN. Last I heard, her last name wasn't LOHAN.

via The Socialitelife:

"They grow up so fast don't they? Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher along with Demi's ex-husband Bruce Willis and his new wife Emma Heming threw an 18th birthday bash their daughter Scout LaRue Willis' 18th birthday. The party took place at the Cicada restaurant in Los Angeles California this past Friday, July 17.

Scout's younger sister Tallulah Belle Willis was also at the party, and was acting like one of the grown ups. She was flirting with an older man, cocktail in hand and carrying around a timeless accessory her own pack of Marlboro lights! The 15-year-old concluded the evening by being escorted out (the Willis women love their drinky) by her friends who all carefully steadied her as she tried to avoid the watchful glare of step-dad Ashton Kutcher."

I'd love to have heard the conversation with that little girl the next day--assuming there was one.

Today's Blind Item!!

"What barely hanging onto A list married movie actor who is always Mr. Macho was seen, umm, how can I put this, getting serviced by a male assistant director on his latest movie. The trailer for the actor was unlocked and a production assistant walked in and now everyone knows. I was shocked when I heard it because I had never heard a peep that he leaned that way. Ever." [CDaN]

I've been hearin' all kinda names comin' up on this one, ya'll. Bruce Willis, even. I read one story that said, oh, nevermind. It was too crude even for me to repeat.

I'm just sayin'. Ya never know.

Hey! I'm just tellin' ya what I HEARD. Don't hate on ME.

Today's Michael Jackson UPDATE

Some people (Boy George on Twitter, for one, oh BROTHER) were irritated by President Obama's lack of a public statement regarding Michael Jackson's death. You know, the President actually does have a lot on his plate--Iran? N. Korea--and it was reported that he sent a personal handwritten note of condolences to the Jackson family right after Michael died. President Obama now has given a public statement on Michael Jackson's death:

via OK! Magazine:

While some questioned President Barack Obama's lack of a comment after Michael Jackson passed away last week, he says it was just a matter of having someone bring it up.

"Look, you're the first person who's actually asked me about it," he tells the Associated Press.

Obama did add that MJ will "go down in history as one of our greatest entertainers. I grew up on his music."

"I still have all his stuff on my iPod," revealed the commander-in-chief.

Obama also recognized that Michael's life wasn't perfect, saying he felt he'd experienced a "tragic and in many ways sad personal life."

Very nicely said, Mr. President.

Prince Michael, Jr., Michael and Debbie Rowe

In other updates, it seems Debbie Rowe may actually seek custody of her children. Now, does that mean she would separate Prince Michael, Jr., Paris and Blanket, since Blanket is not her biological child? That would be like another death for those kids, if you ask me. Totally inappropriate.

via TMZ:

"Debbie Rowe will fight for custody of Paris and Michael Jr., the children born during her marriage to Michael Jackson -- this, according to NBC 4 in Los Angeles.

According to the NBC 4 website, Rowe said during a 90-minute phone conversation, "I want my children."

Rowe says she will seek a restraining order to keep Joe Jackson away from the children.

Rowe also says she'll submit to a DNA test to prove she's the biological mother."

I think there are two reasons for Debbie's desire to request custody: 1.) Money and 2.) Money. COME ON. In every single interview, she referred to herself as a "vessel" to give Michael a "gift" of children, and that she doesn't want the kids to call her "Mom". Pretty transparent, I think. She'll have a fight on her hands, I can tell you that. The Jackson family will spend every nickel of what precious little Michael had left, and what he's earning now in phenomenal music sales to keep those kids in the family fold.

This situation is just going to get uglier and uglier.

**Sidebar: I just saw the video of Michael's last rehearsal at the Staples Center. It was kinda eerie. He seemed fine. He didn't have quite the power and energy of an actual performance, but again, it was a rehearsal. The dancers with him are fantastic. They must be just so heartbroken after the grueling auditions, making the cut, and then getting to know him. Wow.

If I can upload the video, I'll do so.