Happy Birthday, Tiger Woods, y'all.

Ugh.

Hey! Tiger Woods! It's your birthday! Here is my little gift to you:

It's all OVER the internet that what happened Thanksgiving night was a bit more than what we've all been told. After seeing texts from one of Tiger's hoes on his phone, it seems Elin took a 9 iron to Tiger's face, leaving a huge gash on his cheekbone and almost knocking out those two enormous front Chicklets.  That would explain Tiger's resistance in speaking with the authorities. 

via TheExaminer.com 

"...between 11:30 pm – midnight, Elin confronted him about the message she found on his phone. It is also reported that she found photos on the cell phone.

Elin asked Tiger to come clean but he denied everything and told her she was reading “too much into it.” When he turned to face the television at one point thereafter, Elin apparently hit him with a 9 iron on the right side of his face, creating a huge gash and almost taking out two of his upper teeth.

Additionally, a bone was broken on the upper right side of Tiger’s face.
Tiger, shoeless, ran out of the house with Elin swinging the club behind him. She used the club to knock out the windows of the SUV, and from this point, the "cubs" began to emerge from Tiger's lair, one by one.

Bisher also reported that Elin panicked and called Mark Steinberg, Tiger’s agent, for advice on what to say. This accounts for the two different versions given by Elin.

Tiger was taken to the hospital where he was patched up but was told by the doctors he needed plastic surgery. They recommended a cosmetic dentist and a plastic surgeon in Phoenix."

Phoenix? That's handy. Isn't that where the posh rehab facility is that I wrote about yesterday?

So yeah. Happy Birthday, Eldrick Tont Woods. 

Jake and Reese - The Break-Up. Why is anyone SURPRISED?

Oh, Jakey.

If I find out any ANY ONE of you are surprised about the "break-up", I'll be very disappointed in you.

Reese was so over being The Facial Hair.

But you didn't hear that from me. 

Tiger Woods' doctor also treated A-Rod and Madonna... HGH rumors are swirlin'!

 Nice guns, Tiger

 

Ewwwww.

Speaking of steroids, it seems Canadian physician Dr. Anthony Galea treated Madonna, A-Rod (hmmmm) as well as Tiger Woods, y'all.

via NYDailyNews.com

"The Daily News has learned that the Buffalo office of the FBI is investigating Galea, along with Canadian authorities.

Galea flew to Woods' Windermere, Fla., home to treat the golfer earlier this year with his platelet-rich plasma injection therapy, also known as "blood spinning."

Galea has attracted a mystique in sports medicine circles for his advocacy of the process, which involves spinning blood in a centrifuge and reinjecting it into injured joints in the hope of accelerating healing.

A Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman said charges against Galea are expected to be filed on Friday in a Toronto courtroom, and while an attorney for Galea told the Daily News that his client is innocent of any wrongdoing, U.S. law-enforcement officials said that Galea is "definitely on our radar."

Holy crap. When it rains, it pours, huh?

 

Tiger Woods seriously injured in car crash...**UPDATE - Tiger has been released from hospital**

Uh-oh.

Wow. This is weird. Tiger Woods was hurt in a very strange car accident early this morning. He was backing out of his own driveway at 2:25 in the a.m. Hmmmmm. Read on.


via The Orlando Sentinal:


"Professional golfer Tiger Woods was seriously injured in a car accident early this morning, the Florida Highway Patrol just reported.

Woods, 33, pulled out of his driveway in the Isleworth community about 2:25 a.m. when he struck a fire hydrant, and then drove into a tree at his neighbor's property, FHP reported.

Woods was transported to Health Central Hospital in Ocoee in serious condition, FHP said. No other information about his condition has been released.

A Health Central hospital employee said at 2:30 p.m. that Woods was not a patient. A hospital operator would not say if Woods had been treated and released."


FHP said the airbags in Woods' Cadillac Escalade did not deploy, which means the vehicle was traveling under 33 mph.

Orange County Fire Rescue received the call for aid at 2:28 a.m. Woods was transported from his Windermere-area neighborhood by the hospital's own ambulance."

Ummm, I'm tryna figure out how one can be "seriously injured" by backing into a fire hydrant and a tree at under 33 mph. Can someone help me out with this?

Oh, and here's some more strangeness--I'm hearing all kinds of rumors about Tiger cheating on his wife, Elin with some old blonde named Rachel Uchitel. When oh when will these GD athletes just keep it zipped??

I'm finding the news of Tiger's car accident and this bit of crap NON-coincidental in terms of timing. 

**UPDATE: Tiger has been released from the hospital...but I tell ya what; the trouble has only just begun. Mark my words, y'all.


Authorities are saying alcohol was "not a factor", but charges may be brought. Wow.

Christian Bale: "American Psycho's Patrick Bateman is based on Tom Cruise"!!

 Naked With a Chainsaw, Patrick Bateman

 

Tom Cruise, returning some videotapes

Hang on a sec...I'm still belly laughing. Can't. Stop. Laughing...

Okay. Talk about good timing. Since American Psycho was my Recommened Movie of the Weekend a few days ago, I'm REALLY loving this quote from director Mary Harron:

via BlackBook Magazine:

"Mary Harron, the director of American Psycho, told BlackBook Magazine about how she developed the character of Patrick Bateman with Christian Bale,

"It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn’t actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy." 

I'm just hugging myself right now. But wait. It gets even better. Remember Bronson Pinchot? Balki from Perfect Strangers? He had some hilarious shit to say about Cruisey (and some other celebrities--Bette Midler, Eddie Murphy--but right now we're talking smack about Xenu-Boy, mmkay?).

'member Balki??

I love him now.

 

Bronson said, "We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, 'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' 

Very, very strange. Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think 'God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.' He made such a big deal about it."

WHAT the goddamnhell does "'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' even mean??

Now, Bronson was in one of my other favorite Recommended Movie of the Weekend, True Romance. so he's known for more than just being Balki. Here's what I LOVE about this whole thing: Someone has the guts to tell it like it is, rather than cowering in fear.

Bronson? I salute you!! 

Oh, Alanis Morrisette. Why?

If that's a toilet, I'm gonna be pissed off.

Wait. I already am.

In my best Nancy Kerrigan whine, WHYYYYYY? Is this what it's come to? Again?

Back in the day, Alanis Morissette never pandered to her audience by dressing like a poptart. But now, all of a sudden, she's hit 35 and feels the need to pull a Madonna on us with the typical hooker boots and open legs photos. Yeah. Awesome. 

I've always just sort of liked Alanis, but I loved Hands Clean, which is another song allegedly about the dude from Full House. They had a relationship while Alanis was 14 and he was 29. They were both living in Canada, where this would be a criii-immme (as she sings in Hands Clean.)

Well, gee. Now I feel guilty for liking this song. It does prove what an asshole Uncle Joey is, just like in You Oughta Know, every chick's favorite "angry song".

Maybe Alanis really does feel like all she's worth is her "outside". Sigh.

Khloe Kardashian's Wedding Dress and Other Crap

Vera Wang's Big "n Tall Collection

"Baby, could you gimme a tranny-back ride?

I'm too f^&king drunk!"

Photos via TMZ.com

Here's what y'all have been lookin' for...The Dress. Khloe's big, giant Vera Wang wedding dress.

For the life of me, I cannot understand  the crazy interest in this chick's wedding. Her claim to fame (i.e. resume) is that her dad was a very accomplished attorney in L.A. (he was part of the OJ Defense Team back when he was on trail for damn-near decapitating his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ron Goldman); Khloe's step-dad is plastic surgery enthusiast and oh yeah, Olympic Gold Medalist, Bruce Jenner; sister Kim is really the reason this family are pseudo-celebrities due to her sex-tape with an D-list rapper, Ray J. (Are you taking notes??) Naturally, E! gave them their own reality show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, produced by none other than Ryan Gaycrest Seacrest.

I found this little piece on Khloe at AskMen.com:

"Khloe Kardashian, aka Baby K, is the youngest and most statuesque of the Kardashian sisters. Familiar to the fanatic faithful who watch her regularly on Keeping Up with  the Kardashians, she's now a headliner on the new spin-off series Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. When she's not living the celebrity life for the viewing masses, she's working on the radio, selling fashion items through her store chain and taking her clothes off in the name of stopping animal cruelty. There's also the small matter of a quickie marriage to Lamar Odom that has gotten her a mountain of attention. " 

Let's not forget Khloe's DUI a couple of years ago. She checked that item off of the How to be a Dumbass Celeb and Get Your Name in the Tabloids list. Nicely done.

Khloe and Kim's sister, Kourtney is pregnant and all over the tabloids...for no. Good. Reason...other than the idiotic celebrity qualifications I've so beautifully outlined.

Ugh. Nice way to start a Monday morning. My head hurts already.

Blind Item of the Day - Pass the Coke Edition! (Times 3!!)

 

So, a reality star, a designer and an actress walk into a bar. No, not into a bar actually, but it sounds much better that way. They actually just walked backstage at a show. The female reality star who has a huge history of drug problems did some coke and passed it around. The designer who was just about to show their collection, did four lines back to back to back to back, and then passed it along to our C list television actress with B list name recognition on a VERY hit show. Our actress spilled a little on her dress and when trying to brush it off, rubbed it in so took off her dress and stood there naked while she did some lines on a make up table. She then put back on the dress and joined the reality star back out front.

#1 - Reality star
#2 - Designer
#3 - Actress

via CDaN

Holy crap. I saw a bunch of questionable people together (in photos) and I have an idea who the designer could be. He didn't used to be so thin and handsome.

Asshole Kanye turns into a whiney crybaby on Leno

Shut up, you big pussy.

Why didn't Leno have Taylor Swift on tonight instead? (I know, she'll be in New York instead for The View tomorrow. I'm sure Whoopi will be gracious and sympathetic toward her, but I am not sure about Sherri Shephard. She didn't have one negative word to say about Kanye's behavior, but she sure did about Joe Wilson's outburst last week during the President's speech to Congress. I'm just sayin'.)

ANYbitch. In typical man-bitch style, Kanye goes from bully to pussy in just a matter of hours. Effing crybaby.

Oh, and President Obama called Kanye a "jackass". I love it.

Hold on to your effing hat--the Olsen Twins are SMILING.

 

Oh happy day!!

[photo by Patrick McMullan]

I haven't seen smiles THIS BIG on Trollsen Twins since their Full House days. I know, "how roooood". 

Check these two out at Bergdorf Goodman for Fashion’s Night Out on Thursday night. I wonder if there were little clear packets and prescription meds being passed around, too? 

Okay. That was just plain mean.

But seriously. Were they passing out party favors?

Billy Ray sees nothing wrong with Miley's pole dancin' , ya'll. So just hush up.

"Miley jus' laks ta innertyne!"

Jaayzus wept, ya'll. Billy Ray Cyrus dudn't see nuthin' wrong with his li'l girl dancin' up on an ice-cream truck with a stripper pole on it, so ya'll jus' needa shut yer traps 'bout it.

"You know what? I just think that Miley loves entertaining people," he told Access Hollywood.

"She loves singing [and] songwriting," he adds. "I always tell her to love what you're doing and stay focused for the love of the art and not worry so much about opinion."

"I give my kids a lot of freedom to make the art they wanna make, and make it in their own voice. I think it's important," said Billy."

Oh, those hillibilly daddies know where their bread is Crisco'd, huh?

Mimoo and Eminem are in 8th grade.

Oh, now GIRLS!!

Mariah Carey and Eminem are behaving like the 8th grade girls that they are. God, here we go again. First he talks crap about her, right? Then she does a song and video called "Obsessed" which alludes to Em's OBESSION (?) with Mimoo. Now Em has written a nasty-ass rap about their alledged relationship--if that's what you want to call this mess he barfed up:

WARNING: These lyrics are not pretty. I'm tellin' ya now. If you are a delicate flower, don't read any further; otherwise, don't complain to me about the profanity. I'm just tellin' ya what I heard, yo.

"Yeah, what you gonna say? I'm lucky? Tell the public that I was so ugly that you had to be drunk to me?
Second base? What the fuck you tell Nick, punk?
In the second week we was dry humping. It's gotta count for something.
Listen, girly. Surely you don't want me to talk about how I nutted early cos ejaculated early and bus all over your belly, and you almost started hurling and said I was gross, go get a towel you're stomachs curling. Or maybe you do.
But if I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you and don't you dare say it isn't true.
As long as the song's getting airplay I'm dissing you."

by The Distinguished Marshall Mathers


I'm wiping away the tears...what a sensitive piece of songwriting...sniff sniff.

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's Youngest Daughter Loves a Drinky-Poo

Scout Willis arriving at her
over-the-top 18th birthday party.

Tallulah Willis, not
completely drunk yet.

Tallulah, showing us her Drunkface!

Rumer, arriving in a
see-through flapper dress.

Bruce with his new child bride.

Demi, looking better than she
has a right to.

I highly doubt Ashton got any
footage of his youngest step-daughter
being completely inappropriate.

I'm the first one to say "hindsight is 20/20", so let me get that out of the way right now. I'm no one to throw stones, but I've got a good arm and the parents in this mess better DUCK. I tell ya what--that little drunken snip Tallulah Belle would be shipped off to a strict boarding school THIS MORNING, had I been the mother in this situation. I guess not everyone learns from their mistakes, do they Demi? Apparently, older sister Scout's 18th birthday was a big ol' 20's-themed boozy party, probably complete with bathtub gin on tap.

I love how Bruce, Demi and Ashton self-righteously pretend they are so on top of what their girls are up to in terms of underage drinking (and all the other stuff that goes along with raising teenagers). Remember when the "adults" weren't all that happy when Rumer (aka Chinny Chin Chin) was hanging out with Lindsay a couple years ago? I'm sure that did a lot of good. Pssh.

I actually think Demi is more like her role in "Bobby" than she'd care to admit. Remember the scene where she was all drunk, smoking and belittling Sharon Stone's character, while gittin' her hair did? Yeah. That one. Having said that, she'd looked fan-effing-TASTIC. Better, in fact, that Bruce's Demi-wannabe new child wife. Maybe that's what really matters?

While Ashton and Demi were busy video-taping one another, where was Tallulah? Gettin' her drink on and hitting on older men and showing her goodies, that's where. She's FIFTEEN. Last I heard, her last name wasn't LOHAN.

via The Socialitelife:

"They grow up so fast don't they? Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher along with Demi's ex-husband Bruce Willis and his new wife Emma Heming threw an 18th birthday bash their daughter Scout LaRue Willis' 18th birthday. The party took place at the Cicada restaurant in Los Angeles California this past Friday, July 17.

Scout's younger sister Tallulah Belle Willis was also at the party, and was acting like one of the grown ups. She was flirting with an older man, cocktail in hand and carrying around a timeless accessory her own pack of Marlboro lights! The 15-year-old concluded the evening by being escorted out (the Willis women love their drinky) by her friends who all carefully steadied her as she tried to avoid the watchful glare of step-dad Ashton Kutcher."

I'd love to have heard the conversation with that little girl the next day--assuming there was one.

Today's Blind Item!!

"What barely hanging onto A list married movie actor who is always Mr. Macho was seen, umm, how can I put this, getting serviced by a male assistant director on his latest movie. The trailer for the actor was unlocked and a production assistant walked in and now everyone knows. I was shocked when I heard it because I had never heard a peep that he leaned that way. Ever." [CDaN]

I've been hearin' all kinda names comin' up on this one, ya'll. Bruce Willis, even. I read one story that said, oh, nevermind. It was too crude even for me to repeat.

I'm just sayin'. Ya never know.

Hey! I'm just tellin' ya what I HEARD. Don't hate on ME.

STOP PACKING UP THE VAN! There will be no public viewing at Neverland Ranch. Pssshhh.

Settle down. I just Googled "glass coffin"!

But how funny is this picture with young boys in it?

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, the dirty masses (remember, not my words) have to unpack their Tom Joad trucks and stay home now that "The Official Word from the Jackson Family" has indicated that there will NOT be a public viewing of Michael Jackson's body this Friday. Goddamnit.

Don't eff with those Santa Barbara snips. They mean bidness. Actually, I don't know why it was announced then rescinded. Moving trucks, concrete (?) trucks and other work vans are still going in and out of Neverland. What gives?

Now look what they made me do: TALK ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON.

Here's my plan for Michael Jackson Updates, Ya'll.

The Last Rehearsal

Honestly, I'm not TMZ. I supposed I could just cut and paste a minute by minute re-hash of what all the other big websites pump out regarding Michael Jackson, but 1.) I'm too lazy and 2.) I'm too lazy.

Seriously, though. I will probably just wait until the end of the day to post a daily update, if that's okay with everyone, because minor details change by the hour. If something HUGE comes up (like he's not really dead), I'll jump in with an urgent post.

Heads up for tomorrow, though. That 60-car motorcade from L.A. up to Santa Barbara (my favorite American city...wow, could I sound a little snootier? SNORT!), is going to be a complete cluster f&*k. I'll be surprised and there aren't any fatalities. Those Santa Barbara bitches will cut you if you set foot on their property. The dirty masses (their words, not mine) making the trek to view Michael's body (which I imagine will be encased in a glass coffin like "Sleeping Beauty") need to keep their eyes peeled for overly-tanned, tightly-facelifted, blonde bob-haired biddies driving luxury SUVs because they are ruthless.

So, who wants to give me $2500 for BOTH ORIGINAL "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" albums? That's what they are going for on the ebay! Can you believe that? They are hanging in our family museum (read: guestroom, dubbed "The Pop Culture Suite").

You know how to reach me.

Oh God. Flashbacks. FLASHBACKS!!

Brit's BRUNETTE! NOOOOOO!

Oh shit, ya'll. Britney's gone and dyed her hair brown again. I'm having flashbacks to January, 2008. Brit was being carted off to the nuthouse on a 51-50 psychiatric hold and I was in San Diego at Casa Palmera, the eating disorder clinic--a nuthouse of another color--oh man. Now I'm gonna re-live being 95 lbs., force-fed, drugged and then monitored in the bathroom...I swear to God. I have nightmares about that...I WASN'T A PUKER!! Just let me pee (or whatever!) in PEACE!! GAAAAHHHH! Thanks a helluva LOT, Britney!

Ohshit ohshit ohshit. This is NOT gonna end well. When Brit's not blonde, Brit ain't happy. SOMEBODY SAVE HER!! Get that bottle of bleach ready!!

Today's Blind Item - Druggie Edition

"Which rocker is back on drugs? Although she claims to be clean, when she checked out of a Manhattan hotel recently, the maid found the room littered with dirty needles." [NYP]

Well, well, well. What strung-out, skinny-assed widow did we all just see picture of (getting out of a taxi) in New York City? No-brainer.

Morgan Freeman is starring in "Driving Miss Underage Relative"

I feel sick just reading about this crap.
I

This disgusting story caused me to have to throw away the contact lenses I put in this morning. I think I'll just wear my glasses until I'm done soaking my actual eyeballs in Lemon-Scented PineSol. Jesus H. this is some nasty shit.

Morgan Freeman has ALLEGEDLY (ahem and eyeroll) been having sex with his step-granddaughter. I think this falls into the sub-category of molestation called "Woody-Soon Yi Sydrome".

The Enquirer is reporting:

Morgan Freeman has been having a nearly decade-long affair with his step-granddaughter - a scandalous charge that has emerged in the bitter divorce battle between the acclaimed actor and his wife Myrna, says a source.

The relationship between the 72-year-old actor with step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines, 27, began when she was a teen, the source told The ENQUIRER exclusively. The alleged affair not only contributed to his split from Myrna, his wife of 25 years, it also led to his breakup with his longtime mistress, former schoolteacher Mary Joyce

A source tells the Enquirer that E'Dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife Jeanette. Morgan and his second wife Myrna raised E'Dena ever since she was a little girl. The affair reportedly started when E'Dena was a teenager. The source went on to say, "Myrna said E'dena told her that when she was a teenager, she and Morgan went to dinner at a friend's house one evening. Both had been drinking, and when they returned home, Morgan attempted to have sex with her. They stopped just short of having intercourse. E'Dena explained to Myrna that she stopped Morgan from going any further."

Again, I know it's The Enquirer reporting this--but more often than not, their "shocking stories" end up being true.

All together now: N A S T.

Frances Bean Cobain - Bummed That Her Mom is Courtney Love. Wouldn't YOU Be??

Frances Bean Cobain and her nutty mom,
Courtney Love

Courtney Love is insane. There I said it. I know you're all shocked by that revelation, but listen up. While staying at the druggie hotel of choice, The Chateau Marmont in Hollywood, an argument ensued between mother and daughter. Seems poor Frances wanted her own room. What?? She didn't want to stay up all night listening to her mother's crazy rants?

The Gawker reports:

"Frances miraculously appears to be a well-adjusted 16-year-old despite a mother who threw her a suicide-themed birthday party and called her a "gay man trapped in a woman's body." Asking for a hotel room to escape the live version of her mom's long, scary MySpace diatribes is just evidence of her growing maturity."

I used to follow Courtney on Twitter. I got so sick of her crazed posts that I blocked her ass. Entire pages were filled with her angry, spewing bile. She was pissed off at someone every single day and rattled on about everyone stealing from her. I have a feeling the person accessing her AmEx and raiding her bank accounts is one of the MANY voices in her head. Batshit crazy.