The new movie "Nine" - Whose head ends up in a box?

HA! Last night Stephen and I were watching the tee vee and the ad for the new film Nine was being shown, and he goes, "Is that for Se7en?" I almost peed. "Yeah, honey--I don't know which of those bitches ends up with her head in a box." Cut to Stephen giving me the side-eye.


Ohman. More hilariaty at the expense of my poor husband. Oh, and for our viewing  pleasure--the real  Se7en, where we all find out Paltrow's head is in a FedEx box! YAY!

 

Good times. Good times, indeed. 

Paltrow in Spain for the Adolfo Dominguez fashion show...cue my hair catching fire.

Someone better hold me back...

Imma smack a bitch.

With every new photo I see of Paltrow's condescending face, my fury grows deeper. I know I shouldn't let a stupid arrogant, pinched and holier than thou celebrity irritate me so much. I know already. But just look at that face. It's the image of so many irritants I've faced in my life and it seems Paltrow has become the bane of my existence. 

So here is Paltrow in Madrid (her "second homeland", as she so eloquently sniffed) at a fashion show for Adolfo Dominguez's latest collection. 

Goddamnit. Look at the pinch face! I wish I didn't have so much hairspray in my hair today...it's more flammable than usual.

SHOCKER! Paltrow wasn't the crew's favorite during "Iron Man 2" filming.

"I know. You're sad because you aren't ME."
Direct quote from Paltrow. It's true.

Can you even believe it? Paltrow wasn't a favorite on the set of "Iron Man 2"! Amazing. I was sure she'd be bringing the crew that famous roast chicken of hers for lunch. Apparently, it wasn't like that, ya'll.

via Fox411:

"Gwyneth did nothing to make friends with fellow superhero Scarlett Johansson, playing the Black Widow, says the insider, and crew actually preferred to be around her husband, Coldplay frontman, Chris Martin.

"Gwyneth is extremely cool at work. She's just a step above professional, too snobby," the on-set source tells FOX411. "Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn't outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn't ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth's choosing."

The source says that she also put undue pressure on the hair and makeup staff and other members of the crew. "Gwyneth would be very put out if hair and makeup were running behind or things were not on schedule. Usually, nothing was drastically late, but Gwyneth can instantly say something that lets everyone know she is put out," the source explains."

What day is it today? Oh, it's Monday. See you next Tuesday, Paltrow.

Oh, HI Gwyneth! I effing HATE you, or hadn't you heard??

Let ME show you how to stuff
that chicken, you SNIP.

God DAMN IT. I hate Paltrow...the loathing is actually palpable in my brain. I mean I actually feel it. It's a dull, hot, thudding sensation.

First off, let me start off by saying I've had a hell of a day. Stephen, my darling husband had chest pains. Scary ones. (Because there are sweet chest pains? Maybe there are...like "love pains", but I'm not staying on task here..) So, yeah. The Emergency Room. The Trauma Room. The staff did an EKG, blood work and a stress test and sent Stephen on his way. I'm not convinced. He had chest pains, man--chest pains, pressure and pain down his LEFT arm. "Sure, Stephen...you're just fine. Run along home, now." What???? I've turned into the Mama Bear I was with my boys, but now with my husband. So now I'm watching everything. His pallor. His mood. His appetite. His...EVERYTHING. Again. I am not convinced. I think an ultra-sound was in order. God, do I have to do EVERYTHING for those doctors??

NOW can you see why I'm so effing irritated to see Paltrow's DROOP (that's what I'm calling it, since everyone else calls it POOP--I'd rather call it C U Next Tuesday, but it doesn't rhyme with GOOP) blog in my inbox?? MotherEFF. Between her grating voice and her no-bra and stupidly (thanks Barack!) fitting grey shirt, I'm going to need the fire extinguisher for my hair again.

In the tender words of Trent Reznor:

Cross my heart and hope to die;
but the needle's already in my eye.

Only Trent seems to understand my pain....

"...a chicken!" "Fast food!" "Par boil!" Hey, Dumbass...I keep hoping that red string is blood and that you've cut yourself with your snooty KITCHEN SHEARS! I just may have an aneurysm if I don't shut up about her...but WAIT. I must post her little note to us regarding some summer reading:

As I prepare to have some August downtime, I’m dying to get my summer reading list in order. I’ve asked some friends for their best summer reads – to help narrow down the plethora of great novels. There is something for everyone here.

Love,

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas A classic, which I hear is steamy.

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner Must get through another Faulkner this summer.

If ONLY, Paltrow. If ONLY.

Oh, and Paltrow's FRIENDS' picks...get this shit:

"Ellen Silverman is a brilliant, warm, and intellectual New York City mother who also happens to be one of the world’s best food photographers."

The description of this woman makes me angry just reading it.

The Josephine Bonaparte Trilogy: The Many Lives and Secret Sorrows of Josephine B., Tales of Passion, Tales of Woe and The Last Great Dance on Earth by Sandra Gulland Once you start reading this trilogy you will not be able to put it down. You become so immersed in the life of Josephine Bonaparte that you feel as if you are there with her. The books are written in diary format and trace her life from her birth in the islands through the French Revolution – chronicling not only her life before, during and after Bonaparte, but providing rich solid historical information and beautiful detail regarding fashion, culture and society during her lifetime.

Oh dear Lord. I have to stop this insanity...because I WILL go insane--and take ALL OF YOU WITH ME!!!

Paltrow is Pissed and I'm Laughing.

Snip-fight, ya'll!

I'm no fan of Scarlett Johansson, but if anyone can irritate Paltrow, they are OK by me!

Picture me holding my belly from laughter right now. Someone seems to be missing from the cover of the latest edition of Entertainment Weekly, featuring the stars of "Ironman 2". Oh, Paltrow. No one wants to see your smug, bony ass staring back at them from their mailbox, sister. Just one look at your pinched mug incites explosive diarrhea, due to all of your cleansing talk.

I need to come up with a better, more descriptive name for Paltrow. Some folks already call her stupid blog "POOP". I'll come up with something, don't you worry.

I know why I'm crabby today. Two words: GWYNETH PALTROW.

"See you next Tuesday", Gwynnie.

This piece of crap was the first thing I saw in my inbox today. Oh, there's much more to it, but I swear to God, the pain in my left eye cannot TAKE anymore of Paltrow's blather. I'd like 30 mintues alone with this bitch to give her a lesson on THE REAL EFFING WORLD. I've never, repeat, NEVER heard or read anything more elitist, snobbish or a big, fat "I'm BETTER THAN YOU" than what spews out of that bitch's mouth. Have you seen her crappy travel/food shows with fatass (and equally snooty) Mario Batali? They make me wanna puke.

For your reading torture, here is an excerpt of what I was greeted with this morning in my email:


"As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing. And don’t forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.

Love,

Gwyneth"

That snippy, self-important tone somehow always sets my hair aflame. Oh, and I forgot to mention how much this smug bitch hates America:

"The Oscar-winning actress says she traveled to Spain as a teenager, fell in love with the country, and embraces the culture to the point that she visits at least once a year and makes sure her young children, Apple and Moses, also speak the language. (Sure they do, you idiot.)

"When I was 15, I went to a small town outside Talavera de la Reina and I had the most wonderful experience. It really changed my life," Paltrow said in fluent Spanish during a recent interview.Paltrow said Spain "became a second home.""It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she said.

This shrew seems to forget that she was raised in an extremely wealthy family, with Hollywood ties that opened every door for her boney ass. But the best thing that ever happened to Paltrow was being BRAD PITT'S girlfriend. Foolishly, she cheated on him. But, her name was made due to that relationship. Otherwise, she was just a bland blonde. She got lucky.

My favorite Paltrow movie is "Se7en" because her head ends up in a FedEx box.

There. I feel better now, but can someone tell me why I subscribe to that goddamn blog of hers???

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's Twins are Here!

"Yeeeee--aaaah! We're over the mooooon!"

SJP and Matty's new twin girls!

Oh MY! The Old Grey Mare's surrogate mother gave birth to twin fillies, Buttermilk and Wildfire. ("...she ran callin' Willlllldfire")!

"The pair are at the East Ohio Regional (farm!) Hospital in Martins Ferry where the surrogate gave birth."

Rumor has it that since Gwennie Paltrow is decorating Mercy's new bedroom for Madonna, she's offered her services to completely overhaul SJP and Matty's NYC apartment to accommodate a stable for two.

I can't WAIT to see the photos of the twins in "Equine Weekly"!!

Paltrow to Change Name of Stupid Blog from GOOP to BOOB

"Quit looking at me in my SEE-THROUGH SHIRT!"

Here's Paltrow shopping at the Brentwood Country Mart with Judas and Pomegranate. Nice see-through shirt and black bra, Perfect Mom.

Madonna and Paltrow. Those Bitches From High School.

Madonna and Paltrow.

High school all over again.

This picture of Madonna and Paltrow took me right back to my junior year in high school in Ventura, California. (No one from those days read my blog, so I can just say what I want, right?)

The two most popular girls at Ventura High School--whom I actually loathed--were the ones I was desperate to be friends with. Apparently, my masochism began early on in life. We'll call them Debbie and Heather. Debbie was Italian, had perfect hair and was a year older than me, as was Heather, who was a transplanted Southern Belle from Atlanta and also had the perfect hair, which was a necessity back in the days of Farrah Fawcett. They were best friends, both strangely beautiful, crazy-popular and very well dressed (who wears Gunne Sax dresses or white three-piece suits to school?). Debbie and Heather, that's who. They both had large but exotic noses that they used to look down upon all of the unworthy.

ANYbitch. This is what I see when I look at these two snots, Madonna and Paltrow. Everything is an inside joke with them. They are also laughing at and about you. Oh, you hate them for it, but yet, you wish they would let you sit at their fancy table. Bleh.

I Loathe Paltrow, Part One Million.

I don't think I could hate this bitch

any more that I do right now.

Leave it to Paltrow to piss me off first thing Monday morning. That bitchface of hers. GOD.

So you heard she opened a bitchface gym in the Tribeca neighborhood of Manhattan, right? She and Madonna share a trainer named Tracy Anderson and StupidPaltrow thought it would be a fantastic idea to open an elite/snooty/better-than-the-dirty-masses gym. Membership is $4500 plus an initiation fee of $1800, plus $400 a month user fees. Sign me the eff UP.

The funny part is: NO ONE IS JOINING. I also love that there is finally a backlash of her retarded blog called "GOOP". Oddly enough (pssh) people find Paltrow to be, how shall I phrase this...a goddamned, snobbishly aloof bitchface. No! These criticisms didn't deter Paltrow in the least. Voila:

"I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it..."

Paltrow said she believes some of the barbs simply stem from the fact that she's doing something new and different. "I think that people like people to stay in their 'box' - they like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them."

Paltrow says she decided to launch the Web site, which carries the tagline, "Nourish The Inner Aspect," "because I felt like I had a lot of really useful information that I was privileged enough to get, because I have this amazing, super, fortunate life."

Oh. My. God. Because if we did "get it", we'd all just realize how she realliy IS better than all of us and we should just effing accept it.

Have I Mentioned That I Loathe Paltrow?

StupidPaltrow, dressing for the SAG Awards

two weeks too late.

Maybe I haven't mentioned how much I despise Paltrow for a couple of weeks, but it certainly bears repeating. Here I am, trying to get my shit together, stop spewing the misplaced rage I'm drowining in at other people and who do I see? EffingPaltrow. Here she is with Steven Spielgberg attending some lame pre-Oscar party last night. Jesus. Someone PLEASE get her a proper undergarment!




Paltrow's snooty smugness seriously makes me wish Chris Brown (or her husband Chris Martin!) had gone off on her.



Just another reason I may be going to hell.



Oh, and don't bother posting remarks like, "it's never okay to make light of domestic violence". I'm not in the mood.

Paltrow and her StupidGOOP

That is one hideous ensemble, dude.

Have I mentioned that I hate Paltrow? Oh. Well. It certainly bears repeating. I effing despise her. I torture myself by subscribing to her inane blog called "GOOP". She should have just called it "BLEH", as it's so irritating with its "I'm a vegan, but I do enjoy dining on a fine roasted turkey...DON'T QUESTION ME ABOUT MY EATING HABITS, YOU PLEBIAN A-HOLES!" dynamic. And NOW she has the nerve to bring ME into her sinister web of snootiness:

"I think we all begin the new year with thoughts of things we would like to improve, learn, be more disciplined about, cut out of our diets. In January 2007 I decided I’d had enough of my saddlebags and post-pregnancy Shar-Pei-like stomach. I met an incredible woman who changed my life. Her name is Tracy Anderson. She is a dancer, a trainer, an "organic plastic surgeon" as my friend Julia calls her. Her program works but you have to work it. For real. Right now she is on tour with Madonna so I do a lot of video chat with her and I do her DVDs. Every once in a while she sends me a little movie to change something up. She sent me this one for the New Year's butt. It’s really hard. But do it like she says to do it and I swear that in ten days you will see your butt change shape. I do it with 1 lb. ankle weights and then I do her Dance Aerobics DVD. Some days I hate it, some days I love it, but above all, I stick with it. The sticktoitivness is what it is all about."

First of all? I hate the word "sticktoitiveness". Secondly? Don't drag ME into your pile of "cleansing" crap. Paltrow has some nerve referring to me as her "friend". We haven't been friends since she was with Brad Pitt. As StupidTomCruise said about "Nic" Kidman: "She knows what she did".

Patrow Sits Awkwardly for "Gotham" Magazine

Paltrow and her disjointed foot

I can't quit looking at Paltrow's stupid foot in this picture. She looks like a 6th grader who hasn't been taught how to sit properly for a portrait. I love when she meets my expectations of stupidity.

StupidPaltrow and her overpaid (or not, she IS dealing with Paltrow, after all) trainer Tracy Anderson are featured in the latest issue of Gotham Magazine. Here are some of PinchFace's interview "highlights":

"Is there a character you’d love to play but haven’t? I’d love to do [Chekhov’s] The Three Sisters; I look forward to doing Blanche DuBois [in A Streetcar Named Desire] on stage someday. I’d really like to do a musical. And I’d like to do SNL again. I liked doing that.
Do you think you’d collaborate with your husband, maybe do a duet? No, no, no, no.
How about Madonna? I don’t think so. I don’t think the acting/recording thing really works. Maybe if you’re an urban act, but I’m not sure it works if you’re an actor. An "URBAN ACT"??? Racist much, Paltrow??
What were your favorite things about growing up in New York? Underage smoking on stoops of brownstones, going to museums, the seasons, and how great a school Spence (a private girls’ school) was—how well they prepared me for life."

I hate her more with each interview.

Madonna Does Louis Vuitton: The Old Bags Collection

We GET it, Madonna. You're still doing yoga.
Sit like a LADY for once!

"Louis Vuitton designer and creative director Marc Jacobs says they went with Her Madgesty after he "just blurted out, 'I think we should do Madonna'" at a meeting. He had been inspired by her concert the night before and "was totally just blown away by it, and moved by her performance, by what she had to say, and her energy."

Even Queer Patrick, my best friend, is so over Madonna. Why aren't all the other gays, yet? Marc Jacobs? Come ON. Louis Vuitton is becoming synonomous with The Real Housewives tarts.

Not interested.

Oh, and I hear-tell that A-Rod is cheating on Madonna with some hot model he met at the Fountainbleu Grand Opening. I thought Paltrow was babysitting him that night. Ummmm! I'm telling!!

Paltrow eats turkey and wears fur. The End.

Thanks, but I'll have the brown rice and lentils, Gwynnie.
"Those common Americans will never see this ad campaign!"

Oh Paltrow. You can't hide from me. I found this Tod's ad in my Italian Vogue. Notice the leather AND fur? I hate when celebrities wear the forbidden fur then blame it on the STYLIST. (Ya hear me talking to ya, Kate Winslet?) And THEN, since I subscribed to your retarded blog Poop, I mean Goop (what the hell?) I found this wonderful recipe for Thanksgiving TURKEY. Not tofu hand-molded into a turkey, but a real-live, dead turkey. I looked up "macrobiotic" in the dictionary. You know, the diet plan you're always harping about, Dumb-ass? Seems your stupid diet is "animal cruelty-free". Well, I guess YOU probably didn't slaughter that bird yourself, so you can justify it til you're blue.

Here's Paltrow's misty-eyed Thanksgiving chat:

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is, without a doubt, my favorite holiday. I love when everyone comes together and celebrates the idea of gratitude, something we all mean to do every day, but seem to lose sight of most of the time. I also love the cooking – the days of planning and chopping and basting. This year, I decided to work out three variations on the traditional meal: a big group, a small gathering and a cozy dinner for two.

Turkey will always be the main event of Thanksgiving (at least in my house) and a whole turkey is the way to go if you’re feeding at least 12. But if your party is smaller, the stuffed turkey breast turns out to be a great halfway point. Brining it overnight insures that you don’t need to baste it and it has a quick cooking time. Why should things be any less festive if dinner is just for two? I came up with these stuffed turkey burgers which were a giant hit in my house. They are the perfect solution for anyone who isn’t feeding a big group (or for a big group that wants to try something different!).

Mostly, make sure that no matter what type of meal you are having, you take a moment to think about how much you do have (health, love, friendship, passion, perspective, appreciation, intellect, reason, kindness) and reflect on how you can share more of it with others.

Gwenyth

Paltrow? I don't care for you. Go share that with others.

Julia