Someone explain to me what the GOTDAMNHELL JLo is wearing!

Jen? You're kidding me, right?

Here's Mrs. Handcuffed Skeletor last night in NYC, performing for God knows WHAT and for WHOM. All I know is, she looks like a loon. A very sparkly, squished, leotarded LOON. 

Hey Marc Anthony and JLo at the Dolphins game--What. The GOTDAMNHELL are you wearing?

 A light blue jumpsuit.

Check out homegirl. Ohhmmm. Oh, gurrrl.

 

LOOK at his necklace. Or is it a neckPIECE?

First of all? These two are guilty as charged for having babies as Media Accessories. I just know Max and Emme are far more attached to their dozens of nannies than they are to these two dorks.

Okay. These outfits. The 70's are not coming back with jumpsuits--and neither are big ol' man necklaces. At. All. I don't care if this misogynistic tiny Puerto Rican a-holo owns a little bit of the lame Miami Dolphins. He looks worse than the woman he has in a deathgrip.

Clearly, I don't care for Marc Anthony. 

Miley Cyrus doesn't stand a chance. Oh, and nice tattoo. **UPDATE**

 Hey, y'all!

 

Just Breathe???

Picture me doing The Disapproving Headshake. (It's patented by my son Alex, so I'll be sued tout suite.)

What. The. EFF? And why are Moneymaker Miley's hillbilly parents not being questioned (at least by Barbara Walters) about her GD behavior?  

I suppose in the grand scheme of things, the fact that Miley tried to get into a club the other night so she could Party in the USA (but was turned away!) and has a tattoo underneath her booby and dancing on a stripper pole isn't such a big deal...but it's just a matter of time before this little chick starts doing the really bad stuff. **COUGHLindsayCOUGH**

Tick tock; tick tock.

UPDATE: Seems Miley's tattoo is a tribute to a friend:

Miley Cyrus gets tattoo in memory of her best friend Vanessa who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis 3 years ago.

The phrase “Just Breathe” is the motto of the Cystic Fibrosis foundation.

Oh. 

 

A Kobe Special? Excuse me, Tiger...WHAT??

"How many carats will

buy your forgiveness?"

I really don't know how much of this is true, but man, does the whole Tiger Cheating/Elin Swinging get messier every hour.

TMZ.com is reporting:

"During the phone conversation on Friday, Tiger told his friend, "I have to run to Zales (ZALES??? You have GOT to be kidding me!!) to get a 'Kobe Special.'" The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a "Kobe Special" was. The reply -- "A house on a finger."

The "house on a finger" - 

Vanessa and Kobe Bryant showing off 

the 8 ct. $4M-I'm-Sorry-for-Cheating-Ring

During the conversation, Tiger said his wife had "gone ghetto" on him. (WHAT????? How 'bout Tiger went WHORING on her?)

As we first reported, Tiger told the friend his wife had scratched his face up during an argument over a report that the golf great had cheated on her. The "other woman" named in the story -- Rachel Uchitel -- calls the report "bulls**t." (Of course she does!!)

So. Will Tiger play on Monday?

"Beyonce is a stupid person." Hey, I'm just tellin' ya what I heard...

Beyonce`: "You expect me to READ that?"

This. Is. HILARIOUS. Check this crap out, y'all. Effing embarrassingly hilarious.

"In a shocking display of poor diplomacy, Egypt’s chief Egyptologist Zahi Hawass allegedly called American pop-star Beyonce a “stupid person” during her brief tour of the Giza pyramids earlier this week. Writing in al-Shorouk newspaper, Summer al-Gamal said that Hawass became fed up with the pop star’s attitude after she did not show the interest Hawass felt was deserved of the pyramids.

According to Gamal, during Hawass’ self-guided tour, he said “I showed her the Sphinx and I gave her a book on King Tutankhamen,” but then his anger and frustration made its way to the forefront.

“Then he stopped being diplomatic and said in anger, ’she’s a stupid person and she doesn’t understand a thing and she doesn’t want to understand’,” wrote Gamal.

Source: ONTD

What was she thinking and more importantly, WHAT the goddamnhell was she wearing?? Oh...HousePyramid of Dereon, of course!

Amy Winehouse is in love with her new boobies and lips -- and drawn on freckles??

Amy! Seriously?

OhforpitySAKE.  New boobs, plumped up lips...fine, I get it. But freckles drawn on with an eyeliner pencil?? Amy Winehouse, what the goddamnhell are you doing? I've had freckles my entire life ("Oh, they'll disappear when you get older!" NO. THEY. DON'T.). 

Should I be flattered that Amy is trying to make freckles all the rage? Because I'm NOT.

(Yes, I am.)

JLo and Skeletor? What the Goddamnhell are you WEARING?

OhdearLord. What??

photo via JUSTJARED.COM

Well, well, well. What do we have here?  

I think you all know I loathe the little rat-faced Skeletor man. Marc Anthony is the short-man's complex personified. I don't think I've ever been privy to one photo where he isn't latched onto that wife of his as if she's being held hostage. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome...Skeletor Syndrome, is when you force your wife to put her bright and shining (hey, I'm being nice!)  career behind her (that's a tough one, heh), quit with the "self-empowering" crap, and publicly kneel down before his boney ass. AND he raids your scarf drawer. Unacceptable.

JENNIFER!! Look at how you're dressed! Diddy never woulda let you outa the mansion looking like one of Jack Skellington's overstuffed minions. Wait.  Skellington. Skeletor. 

Oh, My. God.

Pamela Anderson loves child slaves...oh yeah, and animals, too. Thanks, PETA!

WHAT the goddamnhell is going ON here?

(And I sure hope I don't see what I think I see...)

I didn't used to really get on Pammy's case all that much, but she's been cruisin' for it lately. First with her dumbass "fashion" show in New Zealand last week--'member? She was wearin' a sheet. An effing sheet. Then she dropped it, because NONE of us have seen her rock-hard chest lumps before. Ooooh. Controversial. Pssssh.

Now Ms. Hep-C America decided to treat one of her employees' children as a slave-prop during the Hollywood Style Awards.

via PageSix.com 

"One guest told Page Six, "People were genuinely shocked. She didn't even have her own seat and had to sit at Pamela's feet, where people nearly stepped on her to get to the stage. The girl looked uncomfortable and kept tugging on her dress to get her attention, but Pamela waved her away.

"Pamela was telling people it was her daughter," the attendee said. "And, after she presented David LaChapelle with an award onstage, she shouted 'daughter' in front of the whole auditorium, and slapped her leg like she was calling a puppy. The girl rushed up to grab her train."

Adelaide is the daughter of makeup artist to the stars Sharon Gault, who was believed to be at the event.

A spokesman for the Child Labor Coalition said, "I would want to speak to the child to ask her if it is something she willingly did. Nine is very young, and an awards ceremony is a long time for a child to be out holding a dress."

That nine year old little girl looks sad and humiliated...which I'm sure she was.  You know, if Pammy had been using a little poodle for this shit, the lovely folks at PETA would have flipped right out. But since Crazy-Face Pam is a devout member of PETA, I guess they agree that this was all in good fun.

What the goddamnhell is Courtney Love doing with Hugo Chavez??

"Rrrrrico. Chavez."

What???

This picture makes me sick on so many levels. Courtney crawled out of her coffin to attend crazy-face Oliver Stone's film about Taco Bell, "South of the Border". (That is what it's about, right?) And look who she ended up with--Hugo-Freakin' Chavez, that crazy dictator from Venezuela. I'm surprised the earth didn't implode.

via NY Daily News:

"Courtney Love is still floating on the charm offensive that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez launched at Wednesday's screening of Oliver Stone's new documentary, "South of the Border." The singer, who came dressed to thrill in a short zipper-front skirt, says she noticed the twice-divorced Chavez checking her out during a Q&A afterward.

"It was the third wink that sold me," Mrs. Kurt Cobain told us. "He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas!"  WHATthegoddamnhell????

I'm busy flipping through the Yellow Pages in search of the nearest vomitorium. Repeat after me: Oliver Stone. Courtney Love. Hugo Chavez.

Last one to puke is a rotten egg.

Is it just ME, or have Brad and Angelina let themselves go?

The good ol' days...

Sigh. Seriously. Is it just me or WHAT the goddamnhell has happened to the Golden Couple? Remember the heat between these two? Now it's Mr. and Mrs. Scruff 'n Bones. Not quite as sexy, is it?

Take a look, y'all:

Come on, Crabby Old Dude. What's really in the Sprite can?

Angelina helping the refugees in Kenya.

Yeah. This one writes itself really, doesn't it? Can't you just hear the refugees talkin' smack about Angie? 

"Girl, someone needs to feed her...". 

I'll stop before I get in trouble with the UNICEF folks; you get the idea.

 

Lindsay Lohan's "robbers" have been caught--but more importantly, WHAT the goddamnhell is she wearing?

Thigh highs, a jacket, a jaunty hat

and that stupid finger in her mouth a-bloody-GAIN.

Some little 18-year old a-hole named Nicholas Prugo was arrested today in connection with two robberies; one of the chicks from The Hills (I know which one, I just wanna give that her or that piece of crap show more publicity) and of course, our little girl Lindsay Lohan.

Remember, a few weeks ago, Lindsay arranged to have suffered the fear of having her home broken into and had clothing, jewelry stolen (that she was "borrowing" from a ritzy Beverly Hills jeweler), as well as legal documents and perhaps--fingers crossed--some home movies. 

via TMZ.com

"TMZ has learned the 18-year-old dude arrested for burglarizing Lindsay Lohan's home is no stranger to trouble -- Nicholas Prugo was arrested earlier this year on a cocaine charge.

Prugo was busted near L.A. back in February for possession of coke. This is his mug shot from that arrest. Prugo plead guilty and entered an 18-month drug diversion program.

Law enforcement sources tell us Prugo may have violated the terms of his diversion program for something unrelated to the burglary -- he's due back in court to deal with that in November.

Prugo was also arrested last month in Beverly Hills .. we're told it was for DUI."

Dumbshit.

 

But seriously, you guys. What is UP with Lindsay constantly having that stupid finger in her mouth?? I've posted like, 300 other shots like this. If she's trying to be all coy and Freudian, it's not working. She's just creeping me out.

It's been confirmed: Madonna really IS a vampire.

Madonna! You look ridiculous!

WHATthegoddmanhell is Madonna wearing?? You can't tell me that she isn't going to live forever. This get-up proves her vampiring ways. Since WHEN does she cover up her girlie parts? Oh. See? Only when she ventures out of doooooors.

Hurry. Get her cloak and casket ready. Even Baby Jesus can't save her soul.

Baby Jesus doesn't appear to be un-dead.
Yet.

Paltrow to Change Name of Stupid Blog from GOOP to BOOB

"Quit looking at me in my SEE-THROUGH SHIRT!"

Here's Paltrow shopping at the Brentwood Country Mart with Judas and Pomegranate. Nice see-through shirt and black bra, Perfect Mom.

Jessica Simpson's Mom Jeans - What the Goddamn Hell is She Wearing?

Jessica Simpson performed at the 99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cook Off in Florida yesterday. The poor thing. A chili cook off?

Holy Lord. I really don't care that Jess has put on a few ell bees. Who hasn't? **Cough cough**

Them jeans, them jeans...did she find them at the St.Vincent de Paul Thrift Store? I know of nowhere else should could have found that kind of denim. Sister Mary Magaret must have thrown in the double leopard belt for free.

Oh, Sting. Just For Men Haircolor? REALLY?

Sting!
NOT Sting, if you ask me. Bleh.
This so-called "Sting" presented at the Golden Globes last night.

What the goddamnhell is Sting DOING looking like this? He's going on 52--and he looks WAY better with his hair graying, rather than dipping his entire head in black shoe polish. Come ON.

"I thought it looked good, so I kept it," he said, after I guessed that Sting grew the beard for the Paris opera he, son Joe Sumner and Elvis Costello recently performed, Welcome the the Voice. "And nobody recognizes me . . . its wonderful."

Great. And HOW many years did you work to become famous? Lose the haircolor and the beard, der Stingleberry.

I'm Sick of These Headaches, Dude.

The lab that processes my blood-work,
Gory close-up of the inside of my arteries.

Bleh. I'm eating right--(MORE spinach!) , exercising again (sorta) and I keep waking up with these god-awful headaches. My doctor took me off EVERYTHING I was taking in terms of hormones and vitamin supplements so I could have a good blood work-up next month. He told me to be prepared for some "discomfort and irritability". Awesome. I can't sleep properly because I'm so hot and cold and am generally pretty crabby.

Please. I'm begging you guys. Any suggestions for relief?

Oh, and my cholesterol is 320. Sweet! Wait...what!?

Have Yourself a Stinkfoot Little Christmas...

That KID isn't wearing sock again!

Does anyone ELSE see that snow?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Stinkfoot! Cold-ass, sweaty STINKFOOT. No coat, her GD feet never touch the ground and how much do 2 1/2 year olds weigh these days? (Not counting the Maury Povich Show favorite, My 2-Year Old Weighs 200 Pounds toddlers.) Honest to Pete. I know that when I'm doing the rock-rock dance with 5 month old Felix, all wrapped up in his Little Giraffe Satin Trim Chenille blanket (pale baby blue and latte` brown, not pink!), he seems to double in size and weight. I can barely hold on to him, that blanky adds so much bulk.

But back to the sockless wonder. What the hell??? It's 27 degrees in NYC. Doncha love how I always know the temperature in Manhattan?

Holy Crap!!! Two Days with No Posts? "Site Under Maintenance"

It's called PERSONAL MAINTENANCE, people. It takes TIME. I've spent the past two days trying to look somewhat presentable for the huge holiday party we are attending Sunday night at the Westin Hotel in Seattle.

1.) Eyebrow wax. (She managed to pull some skin off this time--feels like a bad rugburn. Lovely.

2.) French manicure. No pedicure this time--I saved money and did my toes myself. A crappy job, but whatever.

3.) Hold on to your hats...EYELASH EXTENSIONS!! I think I saved us about $7000 on an eyejob by have these wonderous things applied. I adore them. See the (horrendous) before and after pictures!!

Ugh. Droopy lids, eyeliner, mascara, full-on shadow...

A tiny bit of taupe eyeshadow, and that's IT.
NO mascara!!!

I did my research on this, girls. I found The. Best. In. The. City. It's called the Dina S. Good Salon in Belltown (Seattle). I had no IDEA the outcome would be THIS fantastic. Dina is a doll and made me very comfortable. I actually fell asleep during the process. She has such a feather-touch during the application. I just CANNOT imagine going to anyone else. LOVE her.

4.) James (the giant baby boxer) had to go to the groomer. NO, he's not going to the party, he was just a little, well, sour. Now he smells like sugar cookies. They use Paul Mitchell doggie shampoo and Italian conditioner made with sugar and oatmeal. Mmmmm.

The Royals.

5.) I took the Royal Baby Felix to (bleh) The Walmart to pick up skincare for Hunter, who has a meeting at his modeling agency in the city tomorrow to discuss his future. AWESOME.

Cutie McHunterson

http://www.myspace.com/huntersstroud

So. I'll try to finish the 3 or 4 posts I've half-assed started....bear with me?

After re-reading this post, I can tell I've been talking to Patrick more than usual (6-7 times a day--no exaggeration). Everything sounds WAAAAY more "fabulous" than it truly is in reality...except for the eyelashes--they ARE that fabulous!

Turkey's done!

Sarah Jessica Parker is having turkey w/bbq sauce this T'giving!

NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 25: Actress Sarah Jessica Parker and fashion designer Valentino attend the opening night celebration of the New york City Ballet at David H. Koch Theater, Lincoln Center on November 25, 2008 in New york city.

Jesus WEPT. I love how we are all supposed to feel so inferior to these nutty designers when they walk around looking like THIS. My beloved Valentino looks as though he's being basted with delicious meat drippings every two hours.

One good thing about this picture: It looks as though we can drag out the black tummy control pantyhose again. Whew. I'm sick of doing the Suri Cruise bare-legged look in the dead of winter in the Northwest. Bleh.

What the goddamn hell is Beyonce wearing NOW?

Oh guuurrrrl.

Is there ever going to be a week where Beyonce` doesn't get my "What the Goddamn Hell" award? Wow. Last night's American Music Awards were so boring that I couldn't bring myself to even sit through 5 minutes of the show. If I see Kanye West bitch about losing or winning the wrong award one more time, well, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe stop singing along with Stronger or something severe like that. Oh, and Alicia Keyes pisses me off. She tries so hard to be a badass feminist with songs like Superwoman and just ends up sounding so contrived. Bleh. The new 007 theme with Alicia and Jack White is lame, too. Give me Shirley Manson or Chris Cornell any day.

Anyway. Beyonce`! You're killin' me! I betcha one of your dressers going to get a fierce hair pullin' for forgetting to squeeze you into your pants last night.