I've stooped to an all-time low. Thanks a LOT, Tiger Woods.

 Ugh.

I'm sorry, you guys. I made a transgression by decided to post a completely Photoshopped picture of Cheetah Tiger Woods that's all over the internet. Hey, y'all might as well see it here, the way I see it.

 

via TMZ: 

"Co-workers tell TMZ on Friday -- the day of Tiger's crash -- Jaimee went to work, played the voicemail to co-workers and then later in the evening said she had received a call from a blocked number. Jaimee says she answered and asked who was on the line. Jaimee says the caller -- a woman -- did not identify herself but said, "You know who this is because you're f**king my husband."

Oh gurrrrl. 

Demi Moore, Helena Christensen, Claudia Schiffer and Eva Hertzigova worship Photoshop!

Wow. There has been a LOT of chatter regarding Demi Moore's recent cover of W Magazine. Naturally, she says it's ALL HER....how dare the public insinuate that a bit of Photoshop may have been utilized to achieve the completely freakish image gracing the cover! I mean, really?

 The cover in question...

 

Demi's Twitter responses...

 

 Oh, DEAR. What. Have. We. HERE??

Source: I'm Not Obsessed via Pop Culture Madness

I have NEVER claimed to "live a perfect life", as that suck-up wrote to Demi regarding her cover shot. I just hate the lying about shit. Don't even tell me that "it's Pilates and eating right", "I've never had plastic surgery!" and "NO, that picture has not been Photoshopped!". Oh, knock it off. 


via I'mNotObsessed.com


"...a link to Pop Culture Madness, a website that has side to side comparisons of Demi Moore's W Cover Shoot and Anja Rubik walking the runway. Looks... the same doesn't it?


What do you think? Did W superimpose Demi's face on Anja's body? Or is this image photoshopped as well? Unreal!"

And for your viewing pleasure, I have a few more examples of the wonders of Photoshop:

 Winter 2010 cover of

I-D Magazine

Oh. Okaaaay.

  I present to you, Helena...

 Claudia...

 

 and Eva. Okay?? Where did her curves go?

The "real" photos of the gals above are current.

Now as a side-bar, I have a special place in my heart for Helena. She was one of Michael Hutchence's girlfriends and they made a gorgeous pair. (Sadface.)

See what I mean?

(Oh, and I do Photoshop photos of myself. I just admit it.) 

Megan Fox on the cover of Rolling Stone. America's Bad Girl?

 

I am going to disagree with Rolling Stone Magazine referring to Megan Fox as "American's Bad Girl".  Here's why:

"My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave. I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure."


Megan, I dub thee, "America's Crazy Bitch Who is in Dire Need of a Straightjacket".

Dear Lord, please never let this chick give birth. Amen.

Demi Moore is a big, fat, cross-eyed, OLD liar.

Wow, Demi. Just, wow.
Photo: GoingPlastic.com

Yep. That was harsh. You know what else is harsh? Demi Moore LYING in French Marie Claire Magazine about her plastic surgery.

Listen up, kids, here's what Mrs. Kutcher had to say about having plastic surgery:

"It's completely false, I've never had it done," she said, adding: "But I would never judge those who have.

"If it's the best thing for them, then I don't see a problem."

Moore went on to say that she disliked the idea of undergoing surgery "to hold up the ageing process."

"It's a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won't make you happy.

"That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done," she said.

"For the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look thirty."

Despite her protestations, Moore's surgeon in the US is said to be Brian Novack.

In 2004 a close friend said: "He's a fantastic surgeon and his clients don't look like they've had surgery. Demi can't stand it that there is part of her that is not perfect."

Wow. Really, Demi? What about those tits? Oh, those were for a film (the classic **COUGHpieceofshitCOUGH**, Striptease), so it doesn't count? Get out. And that face? It's so tight Ashton could bounce a quarter off it.

Here's the thing. No one really cares if Demi has a nip and a tuck, or a shot or a peel. JUST DON'T EFFING LIE ABOUT IT!

Kat von D has some kind of tattoo concealer goo to hawk.

Speaking of Photoshop.

I have a feeling it took a TUB
of this goo, not that tiny bottle
to cover up her ink.

It seems Kat von D has some sort of concealer that covers up tattoos that Sephora is selling. That must be some heavy-duty goo. Wow. Now, I have 4 tattoos. Only one is visible...the one on my left foot and ankle. You know? There may be an event that I would like to cover it up. Like two weeks ago at Stephen's son's wedding. Yikes. I wish I had known about this product THEN. Sigh.
Sorry, Lisa and Joel.

But I LOVE my tattoo!!

And the Photoshop Award goes to: BARBRA STREISAND. **UPDATE**

I KNOW. I can't believe
I'm writing about this, either.

Here's the thing, though. Barbara is 66 years old. I didn't look at her FACE first. I looked at her HAND. Now, that is some Photoshop ART, ya'll. Take a good, hard look at that flawless, porcelain-smooth paw. Wow. Seriously, someone needs a "Technical Grammy Award" when Barbra undoubtedly wins a few for her new cd, "Love is the Answer" next fall. (Because the Grammys are a snooze-fest. GET IT??)

Here's a description of Barbra's cd straight from her own website!

"Rounding out the album's smoky after-hours ambience with his sublime orchestrations is the legendary songwriter ("The Shadow of Your Smile") and Grammy-winning arranger Johnny Mandel (who worked with Streisand on her 1993 Back to Broadway album and arranged/co-produced Krall's 1998 Grammy-winning When I Look In Your Eyes)."

"Smoky after-hours ambience". (Notice that her website spelled ambiance incorrectly? Hilarious. Someone's gonna get their eyes scratched out, then their ass fired. Bitch doesn't PLAY.)

ANYgay. The only "smoky after-hours ambiance" I've experienced is when Patrick dragged my raggedy ass to an after-hours rave (are there any other kind?) in Seattle several years ago. I don't think it's what Barbra's referring to...unless she's got monotonous techno hidden tracks somewhere on the cd.

Oh...if ONLY.

**Update** HAHAHAHAAAA! I just realized why her website people spelled "ambiance" wrong...because they spelled it like AMBIEN!! I bet they knew exactly what they were doing!

Well done.

Vanessa Hudgens Cannot Define "Irony".

Miss Hudgens, with Photoshopped undies

Heavy sigh. Oh, Vanessa. I love how you answered the question, "...and what is your hobby?" by some (inadvertently?) funny journalist:

“Probably photography; I think it's a lot of fun … savoring the moment.”

I wonder if this is really what you meant? Between those Cyrus girls and their stripper poles and you and your nakey phone photos, Disney is headed toward being the new Vivid Studios. Know'msayin'?

Jennifer Aniston embraces being The Lonely Girl...and it's a good thing.

It's time to zip up that jacket, Ma'am.

It's a good thing Chiniston is "fine" with being the poster-spinster for well, spinsters, huh? (Is one actually a spinster even having been left for someone more beautiful, interesting, exotic, talented?)

I know one thing: I'm SICK of seeing her partially (or worse, NON-clothed) body. Here's part of Jen's interview in Elle Magazine:

"How can this be the girl nobody wants to love?

Sultry Jennifer Aniston — striking a sexy, shirtless pose for Elle magazine — says she doesn’t mind that her dismal dating life has earned her the label “the lonely girl.”

“I’m not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room,” the stunning 40-year-old cracks in an in terview that hits stands this week. “It’s fine. I can take it,” she says.

Aniston — whose beaus since her 2005 split with hubby Brad Pitt have included Vince Vaughn, model Paul Sculfor and John Mayer — said she’s fully supportive of “anybody who is in a place that’s not their strongest [but] is ready to push forward.”

“If I’m the emblem for ‘this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,’ so be it.” Aniston said.

“I can make fun of myself,” she said. “And I’ll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up.” Or even if NO ONE ELSE IS!!

Humor has long been Aniston’s strong suit.

“I remember being 7 and asking my mom if I was as pretty as [my best friend] Monique,” the actress recounted. “And with all the love in the world, my mom looked at me and said, ‘Oh, honey, you’re so funny.’ Wow, Mom. That could be why Jen's so effed-up. I feel sorta sad now.

“So, she doesn’t lie to me . . . She answers the question by not answering and instead tells me what she thinks is my greatest strength.”

Her parents, Aniston recalled, were funny and made each other laugh “like nobody’s business.”

“I put a lot of value in that at a very young age,” she said.

Aniston told the mag that her love woes are nothing compared with the “brick walls” she’s had to break through from her childhood.

The hardest part: “My dad walking out and not seeing him for a year and not knowing where he was . . . Trying to understand, ‘Where did that person go?’ ” she explained.

Aniston’s actor parents, Nancy Dow and John Aniston, split when she was 9.

The star says that if she weren’t an actress, her dream job would be to become a microsurgeon.

“The intense focus and detail . . . completely fascinate me,” she said.

My eyes are rolling like a slot machine. Someone call the Pit Boss to reset them.

Lindsay Lohan in British Elle - A Lesson in Photoshop 101

...and Lindsay is on the cover, why?

Lindsay's favorite pose: Finger in mouth.
Freudian much?

We GET it. We all know what
you can do with your mouth, hon.

Jeez. Here's my 8000th post this month featuring Lindsay Lohan. Sorry. But I saw these pictures from the latest edition of British Elle and had to show ya'll. This is the shoot in London wherein she chased Sam around, was accused (?) of stealing many of the jewels that were to be featured in her spread...nice choice of words, eh?

ANYmediawhore. I saw a video of this strange photoshoot. Girlfriend looked haggard. Thank the LAWD for Photoshop. Suddenly, Lindsay is completely void of all sagging eyelids, ciggie tracks on her mouth and dark undereye circles.

I want Photoshop performed on me before I leave the house, starting tomorrow...who's with me?

Madonna Finally Gets Mercy Off Layaway--Apparently Paid in Full!

This "painting" of Madonna should be hanging in
the Louvre any day now!

Seems Madonna put her big ticket-item, a four year old child named Mercy, on a layaway plan a few months back and has finally paid in full, so she's free to carry out her purchase in a grocery cart (read: private plane)! Times are tough all over, and apparently everyone needs the convenience of paying for more expensive purchases over time. Well, good for Madonna, and Mercy, and the country of Malawi (and certain relatives of Mercy--she's not an orphan), I suppose.

"According to Radar Online, a three-judge panel, headed by Malawi’s Chief Justice, Lovemore Munlo, said that the lower courts initial ruling was out of sync with the times. In addition to that, it is said that Madonna’s charitable history toward Malawi should have been taken into consideration.

This could not have been happier news for the pop superstar as it has been a long hard fight. But, not looking back, Madonna is said to be celebrating.

“It’s the wee hours of morning in New York but she is excited at the news,” her attorney, Alan Chinula said. “As her lawyer I am happy that this has settled this contentious issue.”

We'll being seeing Mercy, dressed completely in white, going to Kabbalah classes very soon.

Madonna Falls Off Horse AGAIN.

Too busy posing for cameras, I'll bet;

and that horse was Photoshopped, too!

BY George Rush and Jotham Sederstrom DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Saturday, April 18th 2009, 9:35 PM

"Madonna was tossed to the ground Saturday when her horse was startled by photographers while riding on a Hamptons estate.

The Material Mom was rushed to Southampton Hospital with minor injuries and bruises after a fall while riding at the Bridgehampton farm of celebrity photographer Steven Klein.

It was the second tumble in less than four years for the equestrian, who was released Saturday night from Southampton Hospital with minor injuries, publicist Liz Rosenberg said. Rosenberg claimed the accident occurred when the horse she was riding was surprised by paparazzi, who jumped out of the bushes to photograph the pop singer this afternoon.

Boy toy of the moment Jesus Luz and others watched in shock as the helmeted mother of three tumbled to the ground.

Klein has collaborated with Madonna before, including a 2006 photo spread featuring Madge posing in equestrian-themed shots, did not return calls for comment.

It wasn't Madge's first wild ride. Madonna broke three ribs, a hand and a collarbone in 2005 after slipping from the saddle during her 47th birthday celebration. The fall happened at her England estate while riding a polo horse she was not acquainted with alongside an assistant. She called it "the most painful experience of my life."

Okay, bummer that Madonna fell again--how-bloody-EVER...she's not an EQUESTRIAN, for God's sake. She straddles horses every now and then. Any oaf can hop on a horse and FALL. Madonna's proving that. That old biddy needs to quit acting as though she was born into British Royalty, rather than the middle-class/mid-western upbringing that she continues to shun. Jesus LUZ, she's annoying. I love when I make myself laugh. And yeah, The Son of God Knows Who is back in Madonna's bed. Bleh.

Elle Magazine: "Stars Sans Fards" and Seattle "Avec Fards"

Monica Belluci
Eva Herzigova

Sophie Marceau

Here in the States we call it "makeup" and I believe the Brits call it "slap"? French Elle Magazine's April issue is rather alarming, don't you think? I agree with the statement below that the women seem "vulnerable". It's as if without the stylists, make-up and ever-present Photoshop these lovely women seem more approachable; dare I even say, "real"? Thank you to my darling, Annette who lives in France for bringing this to my attention.

"The April issue of French Elle features eight female European celebrities--including Eva Herzigova, Monica Bellucci, Sophie Marceau, and Charlotte Rampling--all without makeup and, perhaps even more revealing, all entirely without Photoshopping or retouching of any kind. The mag's headline "Stars Sans Fards" translates to “without rouge/makeup,” but it's a French saying that also suggests a sense of “openness.”

Judging from the images that have been leaked so far (the entire issue hits newsstands later this week), this title could not be more apt. Model Herzigova, 36, and actresses Marceau, 42, and Bellucci, 44, all look refreshingly natural, relaxed, and vulnerable in a way American stars are seldom seen."

Completely Photoshopped - literally and figuratively.

Here's what I know: I felt far more comfortable with myself while Stephen and I were in Italy last fall. I felt good about my curves and didn't feel judged every damn time I walked out the door. I'm finding Seattle to be less and less friendly and open than I used to think--it's all about who is "cooler, younger and thinner". I think I'm burning out on the city I fell in love with. I still love the skyline and the culture Seattle has to offer, but the general population? Sadly, not as much as I once did.

It's odd, but this feeling crept up on me while on vacation in San Francisco last week. I commented to Stephen that I felt S.F. is far more liveable and much friendlier as a community than Seattle. Particularly the women. It was so refreshing to have a perfect stranger - a woman - start up a conversation out of the blue! (Good luck finding that in "I'm on my cellphone or have earbuds blasting" Seattle.) Local San Franciscans on their way home from work on the cable car were interested and helpful with tourists. I haven't experienced that sort of kindness around here in a long time. Since when did Seattle become too cool for school? It's bugging me.

Oh. This was supposed to be about "natural beauties" and "no Photoshopping".

I think "natural beauty" Seattle has been "Photoshopped".

Britney's New "Candies" Ad - Wow.

Wait. That's Britney??

So that's where my taffy puller ran off to! Suddenly, Brit's gone from looking like a fire hydrant to looking like a long, lean stripper pole. Awesome.

Photoshop Before and After: Kim Kardashian Style!

Oh, Photoshop.

Complex Magazine posted a pre-Photoshopped picture of Kim Kardassian on their website and Animal NY caught it before it was switched out.

You know, Kim doesn't really need to have her skin lightened like that to be pretty. (Keep in mind that I've said a thousand times, she's waaay prettier without all that hooker make-up, too.)

Remember pictures like these. No one really looks perfect. Ever.

Glamour Magazine Lets Lindsay Lohan Play Dress-Up...

"...snorted for the very first time!"

Lindsay Lohan, as Vintage Skank Madonna

Alicia Keyes in her full-0n-fantasy mode,

as Michelle Obama.

Um, Hayden? Amelia Earhart is already being played by that
horseface who won the Oscar for playing a girl/playing a boy
and another one for the boxer-chick who dies.
Sorry, dude.

Emma-I'm-Not-Just-Julia's-Niece-Roberts
as Audrey Hepburn.

I totally wish I had one of those cardboard chests full of dress-up clothes. Oh wait...I DO. It has my Scarlett O'Hara costume in it--I need to go swish around for awhile...

Oh Katie Holmes. I Love Photoshop, Too!

"Kate" on the latest cover of "Glamour Magazine"

Thank God she's sitting down...
...because she's about to topple over from
from the weight of her existence.

Patrick is always whining that I only post hideous photos of Katie Holmes. No. I just post photos of Katie Holmes. HA! Get it??

Holy crap, though. Where is the fashion icon from about 2 years ago? Oh that's right...she's married to David Beckham! HA! Get it??

Victoria Beckham - On the Floor in Her Armani Knickers

Call me!
a>

Victoria joins David in Armani undies...

The photo above of Richard Gere in American Gigolo just solidifies my old-school frame of reference. While I love the new advertising campaign for Armani lingerie featuring Victoria Beckham (just like hubby, David), photographed by Mert and Marcus (who shot the gorgeous Lindsay Lohan layout in this month's "Interview" magazine, remember?) it totally reminds the iconic Julian Kaye character portrayed by Gere in 1980 (!).

Speaking of Julian Kaye--that's just one of my nicknames for Patrick. When he's feeling particularly tremendous, he does this walk where he's kind of tipped over backwards, much like Julian Kaye. My favorite walk, though, is his "hoop skirt" entrance into the party. Belle of the Ball! (And announcing a` la Scarlett O'Hara, "I don't know WHICH of you boys is the handsome-est!) Let's not forget the "he walked in..to the party...like he was walking onto a yacht...", You're So Vain entrance. Oh, Patrick.

Wow. Wasn't this post supposed to be about Victoria Beckham?

Joe Francis and Larry Flynt Have Got Some Balls!

Hilariously Photoshopped--I HOPE!

"Adult-entertainment moguls Joe Francis and Larry Flynt said Wednesday that they are asking Congress for a $5 billion federal bailout. The heads of porn are claiming that the porn industry is suffering hard from the soft economy.

Francis, who is behind the ”Girls Gone Wild” series, said in a phone interview that this is not a publicity stunt:

“The government’s handing out money to the auto industry,” Francis, producer of the “Girls Gone Wild” video series, said on the phone from his Santa Monica office. “Why shouldn’t it hand some to an industry the nation could not live without?”

The request is being made in a letter to Representative Barney Frank and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. Of all the Congressmen to write to for this request, why would they pick Frank who came out in 1987 as the first prominent openly gay politician? "

It seems only fair, really...what with Americans losing their homes and their shirts (and pants).

Merry Christmas, Ya'll!!!! Britney's Cards Are Here!

Oh Britney Jean! What a difference a year makes!! No dyed black weave stickin' out of a pink wig, no British accent, no stinky Uggs...just these "Christmas Cards". Poor thing. Since Brit had to give dad, Jamie a raise and pay her brother $200,000 (for WHAT, I still don't understand), and pay her attorneys upwards of $1 million, she had to self-timer these "pitchers", turn 'em fancy black 'n white and take 'em down to the Walmart for printin'.

Nicely done, Brit.

Beating the Aniston Horse Again--I CAN'T HELP IT!

Jen's on my LAST nerve.

A red, white and blue tie and a

bunch of naked gay men does NOT

make you "America's Sweetheart".

Oh God, Taniston? Honestly. We GET it. You haven't pumped out a baby yet and you look "hot for your age". (LOVE the backhanded compliments...) But, Jen? PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON. Your chin is getting bigger, you look like a rat and pretty soon you'll be in Michael Phelps Territory. (See definition of "Butterface"; Hot from the neck DOWN.) There she is on the cover of the January 2009 GQ.

Jen, please understand. You are not and never will be the breathtaking beauty that Angelina is. Quit freaking trying so hard.

In your dreams, Jennifer.

Here's part of the Taniston interview in GQ that really irritates me:

"...she says she and Pitt do speak from time to time: ""When there's something to congratulate or celebrate, there's an exchange," she said. On Jolie's revelation that she and Pitt fell in love during the making of Mr. & Mrs. Smith: "Considering the source," Aniston says, "nothing surprises me."

"Considering the source"??? I will say again, Angelina didn't do it all on her own, and by the way, your precious Bradley announced in Rolling Stone this week the VERY SAME THING.

"Pitt then shared his favorite performance by his partner and mother of his six children.
"Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Because you know ... six kids. Because I fell in love."

Daddy of SIX.

They always like to blame the woman...never their ex-husband, huh? Come ON. We all know Jen never wanted kids with Brad. Just because Taniston says she wants them "someday" (with John Mayer??), means nothing. Okay. My arm is tired from flogging this horseface--for now.