NINE Premiere in New York - Someone's make-up artist is getting fired.

 The cast of NINE

 

 OhdearLord. Nicole Kidman

is gonna cut a bitch for this.

 

 I see Madonna has found the

Orange, and Lola raided Mummy's closet.

 

 The Dwarf Scarecrowlsen Twins

The New York Premiere for the film NINE looked like a complete hot mess the other night, but no one could really top Nicole Kidman's impression of Tony Montana with cocaine white powder all of her face. That make-up artist should probably go learn another trade...she will NEVER get another job, except maybe at Kohl's cosmetic counter. 

Fergie looked crabby and was without her cheetah hubby, Josh. Madonna showed up with daughter, Lourdes, who was clearly channeling Mum with that get-up. And since when does Madonna rock the Orange?? She's always had porcelain white skin! And the tiny bagladies who appear surgically attached at the hipbone shuffled into the Premiere, too.

All that said, I am DYING to see this film. DYING!!

 

Lindsay Lohan robbed AGAIN?

Basted to perfection.

Yeah. Your lips are plumped
because your are biting them. OHHHkay.

Yeeeesh. Lindsay's been "robbed" again.

via TMZ and People Magazine:

LOS ANGELES -- Lindsay Lohan wasn't home when burglars broke into her Hollywood Hills home over the weekend, but she is "upset" by the crime, even as she prepares to move to a safer place, according to her mother.

The Los Angeles Police Department's Hollywood station received a report of a burglary at a residence in the 2200 block of El Contento Drive around 6 a.m. Sunday, a police watch commander said.

"The safe was ripped out of the wall, and the door was off the hinges and door handles removed," Lohan's mother, Dina, told People.com. "Bags, shoes and jewelry were taken too. Thank God she wasn't home."

Police could not provide details of what may have been taken or how the burglars got into the house, said Officer Norma Eisenman, an LAPD spokeswoman.

Lohan was apparently rattled, her mother told People. "She is okay, but upset."

The actress was planning to move "to a safer place" even before the break-in occurred, her mother said.

The weekend break-in was the second reported at Lohan's residence. The first was reported in May.

Lohan's father believes the burglary was an inside job, according to TMZ.com.

"I am not going to put up with individuals violating my family. Lindsay is a charitable, generous person that always gives. This is a personal violation and it has got to stop," he told TMZ.com."

I'd LOVE to know what was in the wall-mounted safe that was broken into. Maybe it's the recipe for her "Sevin Nyne" self-tanner. I hear it's just a bottle of Lawrey's Citrus BBQ Sauce.

Jennifer Aniston says: "As we grow older, our chins get bigger, RIGHT??"

Jen's dangerously close to Leno territory.

THAT is a goddamn monstrosity, you guys. I honestly don't remember Jen being so chin-ified when she was on "Friends", do you?? Holy Lord, that's jumbo. I don't CARE if she has a decent body--she's not cute, as my gays like to say.

And get ready to laugh. The National Enquirer (aka THE BIBLE) is reporting that Jen is feeling like everyone thinks she's desperate, after Bradley Cooper made it crystal clear that he didn't like her "that way".

[Regarding Bradley Cooper] "It was a huge embarrassment for Jennifer — now she feels used an upset — her confidence has taken yet another knock and she’s back at square one in terms of dating. Jen was so happy to be dating Bradley. She saw him as a hot new guy who was finally a worthy replacement for John and Brad."

Did I mention that Jennifer Aniston has an unusually large and unattractive chin and that it damn near takes up three-quarters of her face?

Oh. Sorry.

Lindsay Lohan Pregnant? Please let this be a vicious rumor--that I'm helping to spread, I guess.

Lindsay with her white skinny jeans and

white Maserati (that some porn dude gave her--

the car, not the jeans).

Lindsay Lohan is seven weeks pregnant if you consider an anonymous Lindsay friend on IanUndercover.com a credible source:

"I swear she's carrying," the Lilo friend said. "She's going through big emotional turmoil. She's not sure if she'll have it or go through with an abortion that she booked to have in the next few days. Saddest part is she has no idea who the father is. She must have slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months."

Please, lets send a message here loud and clear to Lilo what to do. IUC encourages her to have the child."

Here's what I believe to be true in all of this: Lindsay is indeed "going through big emotional turmoil"; and that she's "slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months". Okay, maybe she has a standing appointment for an abortion, but that's just gross.

If this rumor was planted by her people, it's nast. Again, this is NOT the way to get a decent job in Hollywood, Linds. And by "decent", I mean NOT PORN. Get it together, sister.

Oh, Yeah. Dina Lohan Really IS Mother of the Year.

No, really. She IS Mother of the Year.
The chick on the right is NOT Dina's sister.
It's Ali, her 15 year old truant daughter.

"...Dina Lohan insists she's a great mom. She particularly takes umbrage with claims that Ali is out socializing with Lindsay instead of going to school, according to People:

"Ali is in a home-schooling program. She has never been pulled out of school," Dina tells PEOPLE exclusively. "It's the same home-schooling program that Lindsay was in since the tenth grade. It's a wonderful program that many celebrities are enrolled in."Defending her parenting skills, she says, "I am a single mom of four children, and I devote my life to my children."

Let me interpret that statement for you: Dina Lohan devotes her life to her children who can get her into parties, make money for her and now, dress up in her image for Spanish Vogue. Ali isn't in school. It's well-documented that Dina pulled her out of that "exclusive celebrity" school on Long Island due to "bullying". And the day Dina is qualified--or even at HOME--to homeschool that 35, I mean 15 year old duaghter of hers, will BE the day. Oh, and Dina does have a younger son, who lives on Long Island with his grandmother and attends PUBLIC school.

Costume Institute Gala 2009 at The Metropolitan Museum of Art Monday Night

Madonna wins the WHAT the GDH Award.

Didn't I just say she can't dress appropriately--EVER?

Mayjah disappointment, Posh. Mayjah.

StupidKateMoss, looking coked-out

Tom Brady, Simpleton and wife, StupidGiselle

Jessica Biel and

Justin-Take-Me-Seriously-Lake

Tranny-Tyra Banks

Rihanna. Yeeeesh.

Anne Hathaway, for Easy Spirit.

That's a LOT of dress, Heidi!

Oh, MaryKate. Did Miley lend you that dress?

Renee Zellweger, pinched. As usual.

This pictures smacks of Pretty Woman.

Kanye's stripper, girlfriend, Amber Rose

Kate Beckinsale. Pretty dress, weird face.

The always gorgeous Iman.

Where's hubby, David Bowie??

Tonight was the huge event in NYC known as Costume Institute Gala, which is held yearly at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. This year's theme was "Model as Muse".

And ya know what? You should read all about it in the New York Times. I'm still rubbing my eyes in disbelief at Madonna's get-up. Here's the link...

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/05/fashion/05gala.html?_r=1&src=twt&twt=nytimes

Lindsay Lohan to Mel B: "Um, are you accepting applications?"

Lindsay w/her finger and

two pair of ugly shoes

Linds, the Producer of "Peepshow",

Mel B. and her hubby, so-and-so.

Popsugar UK is reporting:

"Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Stephen Belafonte were amongst the guests at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas to attend the opening of PEEPSHOW, Melanie Brown's new burlesque-style show. Mel performs alongside fellow Dancing with the Stars alumnus Kelly Monaco, and although neither of them appear topless, the showgirls surrounding them do. Lindsay apparently told Mel she is "back on men" and left with a mystery man at midnight. This follows reports of Lindsay flirting with Leonardo DiCaprio at My House in Hollywood on Wednesday night. Sounds like she won't need that dating service any more."

This sounds like a low-rent Pussycat Dolls rip-off, doesn't it? A couple of things: Doesn't Charlie Sheen have newborn twins at home? Lindsay is "back on men"? Doesn't she know we love her as a lesbian? Now she's just some unemployed drunkgirl who's way too skinny and loves doing coke. Nothing interesting about that. Where's my Samantha Ronson? I miss her.

So Linds was in Vegas filling out job applications. I guess after she hit up Forever 21, In 'n Out Burger and The Sapphire Gentleman's Club (yeah, I've been there, what of it??) she thought she'd hit up former Spice Girl, Mel B. for a position. I am hearing Adam Ant singing again: "Desperate, But Not Serious". I love that song. It's a great reference.

Oh yeah..what is UP with Lindsay with the finger in her mouth? Does it makes us look at her first (yes), longer (yes), then wonder if it's code for "I'm back on men"? (Maybe.)

This is Not a Test by the Emergency Broadcasting System: Victoria Beckham Wearing FLIP-FLOPS

Happy dogs.

...and boyfriend jeans. Now I've seen EVERYTHING. Victoria's poor feet must be weeping with joy. As a former stiletto junkie, I know that my feet flat out refuse to wear anything other than ballet flats (thank you, Amy Winehouse, for that lasting trend) or Nike cross-trainers. Since I was 15 (!) years old, I have worn 3+ inch heels at least 5 days a week--until the past 12 months. I have a pain in my right ankle that feels like a hot, stabbing barbecue fork pretty much all day. Even when I'm sleeping. I know it's totally related to the torture devices I subjected my feet, ankles and back (which has an artificial disc, a metal place and four screws holding my L1-S5 in place). Did you hear that? I just heard and understood the clue about those bitchy high heels .

Now run along and tell Victoria. Then tell me what she says.

Jessica Simpson Must Have Amnesia

Oh, Jessica.

Wow. THIS is embarrassing. I wasn't even there, but I have such a low embarrassment-threshold that I'm cringing anyway. Seems Jess forget the lyrics to not one, but two songs during her opening spot for country band Rascal Flats in Irvine, California over the weekend.

The Orange County Register reports:

"The 40-minute set lacked energy, and Simpson seemed uncomfortable moving on stage (a challenge, for sure, in those big heels). The performance wasn't helped when Simpson screwed up the lyrics not once but twice during her set: her first mistake on "Remember That" could have been forgiven, but the crowd booed when she messed up again."

Ugh. Now let's talk clothing again. This is not an old photo. Jessica has been wearing this. Exact. Same. Outfit. Night after night, show after show. What the hell? I know her legs and boobs are her best assets (no, I'm not going for the obvious joke). Why can't someone, ANYONE help this woman get dressed?? Seriously? I volunteer. Well, not "volunteer"--she can pay me.

"Sevin Nyne"...Oh Lindsay.

Lindsay's new product makes you have to pee, I guess.

When asked by People why she put out her own line of spray tan, Lindsay Lohan said,

“As much as I love the sun, it is so bad for your skin. I have tried every product on the market and never found something that I loved. It was important to me to have a natural product that didn’t have a lot of dyes and chemicals. Our product has goji berry extract which has antioxidant properties, it has a natural golden color, it doesn’t streak and smells delicious — not like a typical tanning product.”

And judging by her awkward contortion in the promo picture up there, it seems to cause urinary tract infections and turns ya HI C orange. Sweet. Oh yeah, it's called "Sevin Nyne". That has got to be some codeword for coke. Seven and nine surround EIGHT, as in 8-ball? Lindsay's weight, due to her diet of cocaine and Red Bull? Take your pick.

A Serial Killer and a Hooker Wear the Same Shoes...

Call the poliiiiiiiice!
Daytime hookin'

Okay, maybe not, but Debra Messing is wearing the latest in the Serial Killer Collection with her leather apron dress and StupidKanyeWest's new, um, girlfriend (?) certainly does look like a tranny hooker.

What I love though, is that they are wearing the same shoes. Awesome, "ladies".

Oh, Pam Anderson. Why Do You Still Parade Around Like This?

ICK.

GAAAAAHHH! My effing EYES! They can't unsee that picture, unfortunately. What the HELL is Pam Anderson doing on a runway during Fashion Week in NYC?? Holy Lord, she's raggedy and tragic. She has two little boys and Hep C to go along with this get-up.

Pam? Time to close up shop...and your legs. {{SHUDDER}}

Lindsay Makes "Raisinface" Rachel Zoe Look Like a Cow!

Lindsay, Some Designer I Could Not Care Less About

and StupidRachelZoe, "Stylist to the Stars"
Lindsay, the day after she called out
"sick" from a scheduled appearance with Sam,
who was also "sick".


I think we've seen this look on

Linds before...just prior to rehab.

Just a quick reminder of why we loathe Rachel Zoe...

"Rachel is a celebrity stylist whose most notable clients are Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. Hate those ugly head scarfs Nicole is always sporting? What about those 80’s leggins that Lindsay seems to live in? Well this is the woman to blame for all that ugly. Rachel has been accused of being more than just the woman who brings style to Nicole and Lindsay. Some tabloids reported this summer that Rachel was in fact the girls drug dealer. I doubt that she is personally responsible for the obvious drug use of some of her clients, but it seems fishy that her two biggest clients have struggled with weight issues and/or eating disorders."

Now, we don't have proof that Lindsay is still using Clenbuteral, StupidRachelZoe's weight-loss steroid of choice for her clients. Google it--you'll see what I'm talkin' about. I can't really see Lindsay taking a weight-loss pharmaceutical that doesn't give some other "benefit". ..like phantom itching and a runny nose. Just sayin'.

A Look Into the Future!

Dr. Drew's Sober House 2015?

I was trying to figure out who I thought of every time I saw Miley Cyrus and her weird, overly bright, hillbilly teeth. I have figured it out. Read on.

Who else LOVES VH1's Sober House? Oh, it's a completely crappy show, I know. It's trainwreck-y, that's for sure. In case you don't watch it, Sober House is an offshoot of VH1's Celebrity Rehab where "celebrity" F-listers go to hang onto what precious little "celebrity" that have left. Then, if they are entertaining enough, are chosen to move into the half-way house to continue with their sobriety. So far, none of these clods are even close to being clean and sober, but that's beside the point. Along with their drugs of choice, they are addicted to camera lenses.

What was this post supposed to be about? OH! Here's who Miley Cyrus reminds me of--and perhaps a hint of what's to come? These two lovely ladies even share a voice...too many ciggies, vodka tonics and BJ's can result in that haggard porn-y honk.

Pornstar, Mary Carey

It's only a matter of time.

Your Daily Beckham...

Those two again...

I'm actually exhausted looking at my darling Beckhams today. Just imagining the amount of time they spend grooming to attend yet another fashion show in Milan wears me out. Nevertheless, I appreciate that they go to the trouble. Look at how Victoria is standing. I wish I had the wherewithall to pose like that when I'm in line at Safeway...but I guess my velour sweats and black Uggs don't quite have the same panache.

Dammit.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore Look Ridiculous at Sundance.

Dude and his wife; oh, for God's sake...

Where to begin? Since when does Ashton Kutcher (aka "Dude") look like StupidJoshHartnett, for one thing? The loose-fitting stocking hat with a suit? Not even my love, David Beckham tries that one (just try his unnecessary scarf next time, Dude.)

Here's what I hear in my head when I look at this picture: "Dude! I wantcha to meet my cool Aunt DiDi--she just got divorced from my cool Uncle Bruno, and I wanna show her the town! I KNOW! She's pretty hot for an old..I mean YEAH! She's HOT. Let's get her wasted...huh-huh...huh-huh."

I have NO PROBLEM whatsoever with a younger man marrying an, um, ollllder woman. At all. I just feel they should somehow match a little better. Know'msayin'?

Fergie's Wedding Dress? Bleh.

Hmmm. Wow. Not that awesome.

So apparently Dolce and Gabbana designed this dress for Fergie. Meh. It's just okay. I don't care for the over-the-shoulder "isn't my ass fantastic?" pose AT ALL. And look at Josh's stupid feet...he looks like he's in junior high posing for the 9th grade dance. There's no way this photo is worthy of a magazine cover...but here I am showing it anyway. And while I don't think she should've gone with a lame prom up-do, she could have tried harder with her fried hair, don't you think?

Oh, Victoria Beckham...

Posh needs a new make-up artist something FIERCE.

"The L.A. Galaxy star is on loan to AC Milan for a bit and this past weekend, Becks with wife Vicky accompanied the team to Dubai.
The clan got all dolled up for a dinner at the Harbour Hotel and Posh put on her finest new frock, a big pouffy number. "

So here's my darling David Beckham with wifey, Victoria. I love that he's all casual in a polo shirt, forpitysake, and she's in a cocktail dress--holding a glass of champagne that's shaped exactly like her. I feel that if she toppled over, she might just shatter, too. Victoria's looking a bit too "Orange County" in colour (like my fancy spelling just for her?) if you ask me.