Madonna: You are NOT going to look 38, no matter how hard you try.

Hold onto Granny, Lola!

"Madonna has embarked on a January salmon 'retox' regime to "knock 12 years off her appearance".The 50-year-old singer is so determined to make herself look younger she has enlisted the help of health experts who have devised a new programme for her packed with the oily fish.A source said: "The new 'retox' means she has got a more cardio-intensive gym regime (because she's just not sinew-y enough, forpitysake!) and a diet overhaul. She will also be eating a lot more salmon as it's got age-defying properties. Her aim is to knock 12 years off her appearance."Last year, Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone - who wrote a book entitled 'Life With My Sister Madonna' - alleged the singer had a facelift in a bid to maintain (I think the word should be "REGAIN") her youthful appearance.When asked if he still recognised Madonna from the girl he grew up with, Christopher replied: "Not after the facelift." Heh. Good one, Chris. He added: "I do recognise her in some ways, but I think ultimately she is a lonely person. It is truly lonely at the top."It has also previously been claimed Madonna spends $120,000 a year on bottles of specially blessed Kabbalah water, believed to have properties which keep the drinker looking fresh and young.A source close to Madonna said: "Madonna drinks a lot of water - that's one of her fitness secrets. And Kabbalah water is the only stuff she will touch."Madonna isn't the only celebrity obsessed with the healthy properties of salmon.Oasis frontman Liam (the complete a-hole) Gallagher eats the fish every day because it keeps him trim.The rocker - who refers to himself as the 'Salmon King' - said: "I'm always banging away at the fish man. My top three fish are salmon at number one, sea bass at two and sardines (what??) are third. My number one dish is f***ing salmon and stir-fry."SOURCEMADONNA. LOOK. STOP GOING TO THE GYM. DAMN.

Oh, Madonna. You need a pureed Big Mac injected into your face--THEN ask Debbie Harry for her doctor's name. Maybe he can FIX you! Bleh!