The Asshole (aka Kanye West) to appear on Jay Leno tonight?

 

No. Just NO.

Finally. A real opportunity for me to talk about Jay Leno. 'Round these parts (my bedroom), he's referred to as The Lowest Common Denominator of Comedy. I can't even begin to tell y'all how truly unfunny I find The Chin of Late Night (now he's on at the nursing home hour of 10:00 p.m.).
 

So. Jay thinks he's going to pull the same schtick he did with tranny and hooker-lover Hugh Grant all those years ago, but with a complete a-hole who humiliated at 19-year old Taylor Swift l last night on the MTV VMAs. (High pitched voice and wink: "What the hell were you thinking?" HAR HAR HAR.)

Stupid move, Jay. No one wants to hear this dumbshit speak in CAPS LOCK.

This douche is NOT what I want to see first thing Sunday morning.

Ick. Nast.

Goddamnit, Gosselin. Thanks for making me swear on Sunday morning. But I never, ever thought I 'd have to see your flip-flopped ass "hosting" a Vegas pool party. They seem to just dole this gatherings to just any a-hole, don't they?

Just look at this douche (read: PAID, father of 8), trying his best "sexy-face" at Wet Republic at the MG-EFFING-Grand. I don't know if I'll be able to finish licking my plate of Eggs Florentine (wiping hollandaise from my chin).

Okay. Nothing keeps me from licking hollandaise. Hush up.

Chris Brown Received His Wrist-Slap Today.

Brown got probation and community service
for doing this.

I don't like the look on his face.

TMZ has done a cracker jack job (seriously) with their reporting of the whole Chris Brown circus in downtown L.A. today. I would just like to say that this is Celebrity Justice once again. May I just say that I know someone who was charged with a "minor in possession" (for an UNOPENED can of beer!) and received a very similar sentence. In fact, this person was facing some jail time. I call complete and utter bullshit on the special treatment Brown received for the brutal beating he gave Rihanna.

I'm not saying anything new, or anything I haven't said before. Here is the TMZ.com rundown of today's sentencing:

He must complete a 52 week domestic violence program sponsored by the Commonwealth Catholic Charities.

Brown must personally come to court every 3 months during his probation. The first appearance will be November 19.

Brown must perform 180 days of community labor. He must also pay $2,500 in restitution. He'll have to pay another $2,500 in probation expenses. He must also pay a $30 criminal conviction fee --BARGAIN! He must also pay $400 that goes into a domestic violence fund.

The judge issued a protective order. Brown is ordered not to harass, assault, threaten, molest, threaten, etc. Rihanna. He must surrender all firearms within 24 hours. He can't have any contact with Rihanna, even on the phone or through a 3rd person. He must stay 100 yards away from her, unless there's an entertainment-related event, in which he must stay 10 yards away. The protective order lasts 5 years.

Brown must get prior approval before leaving the country.

Brown jumped the gun and said he accepted the terms of probation, even before the judge finished her sentence

UPDATE: The judge just said she wanted to reiterate that she wanted him to do hard time ... like washing cars, grafitti removal, etc."

Read more: http://www.tmz.com/#ixzz0PFRuEqRI

******
"The court has released the officer's report from the night Chris Brown beat up Rihanna -- describing the entire incident in graphic detail.

According to the report, cops responded to a "screaming woman" -- and when they arrived, they noticed a "very upset and crying" Rihanna seated in the driver's seat of a parked vehicle.

Rihanna told the officer she got into an argument with Chris Brown over something that had occurred at an event they were at earlier in the evening.

"The victim said she became enraged and slammed both of her fists against the dashboard on the passenger side of the car they were in. She reported that the defendant then pulled the vehicle over and reached over her with his right hand. He opened the car door and tried to force the victim out."

According to the report, Brown was unable to shove Rihanna out of the car because she was wearing a seatbelt.

The report continues, "When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the car. "

"The victim then faced the defendant and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then continued driving."

"As he drove, he continued to punch the victim in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand."

Rihanna told cops the "assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the inside of the car."

Rihanna told cops after Brown "stopped his first assault .. she looked in the mirror and saw her eye beginning to swell.

[Brown] looked at [Rihanna] and said 'I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'"

Rihanna told police she tried to call her personal assistant, but she didn't pick up -- but Rihanna says she "pretended to talk, saying, 'I'm on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.'"

Rihanna says she pulled the act "because she did not want to get beat anymore."

But after Rihanna's fake phone conversation, she claims Brown "looked at [Rihanna] and said, "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!"

Rihanna told cops that Brown unleashed a second wave of punches, "during which time [Rihanna] interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face." He continued to punch her on her left arm, which caused a contusion on her left tricep.

At that point Rihanna tried texting her assistant. Brown threw the phone out of the car, stopped the vehicle and Rihanna then tried opening her door to get out, but Brown sped off and the door shut with Rihanna inside.

Brown placed Rihanna in a headlock while he drove, then bit her on her left ear. The car eventually stopped and Rihanna took the keys out of the ignition, and Brown began to punch her again in the face and arms. He placed her in a headlock and started applying pressure to her carotid artery. She couldn't breathe and began to lose consciousness. She tried freeing herself, and Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her.

Rihanna took off her shoe and tried breaking the passenger window, and he continued to punch her.

Eventually, Brown got out of the car. Rihanna opened the door and continued screaming. Brown began punching her again. He got back in the car and screamed "Where are my f***ing keys?" He got out, looked for the keys in vain, and when he could not find them removed several CDs and walked away.

Officers were called and observed numerous contusions and abrasions to Rihanna's face and forehead, as well as bruising on her left arm. There were other injuries as well.

Investigators determined Brown was wearing a large ring on his right hand which caused several of Rihanna's injuries."

Let me get this straight. Chris Brown beat the ever-lovin' shit out of his girlfriend, dumped her ass out of the car--then made sure to grab a couple of his favorite CDs out of the rented Lambo before fleeing the scene?

Awesome.

Jennifer Aniston embraces being The Lonely Girl...and it's a good thing.

It's time to zip up that jacket, Ma'am.

It's a good thing Chiniston is "fine" with being the poster-spinster for well, spinsters, huh? (Is one actually a spinster even having been left for someone more beautiful, interesting, exotic, talented?)

I know one thing: I'm SICK of seeing her partially (or worse, NON-clothed) body. Here's part of Jen's interview in Elle Magazine:

"How can this be the girl nobody wants to love?

Sultry Jennifer Aniston — striking a sexy, shirtless pose for Elle magazine — says she doesn’t mind that her dismal dating life has earned her the label “the lonely girl.”

“I’m not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room,” the stunning 40-year-old cracks in an in terview that hits stands this week. “It’s fine. I can take it,” she says.

Aniston — whose beaus since her 2005 split with hubby Brad Pitt have included Vince Vaughn, model Paul Sculfor and John Mayer — said she’s fully supportive of “anybody who is in a place that’s not their strongest [but] is ready to push forward.”

“If I’m the emblem for ‘this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,’ so be it.” Aniston said.

“I can make fun of myself,” she said. “And I’ll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up.” Or even if NO ONE ELSE IS!!

Humor has long been Aniston’s strong suit.

“I remember being 7 and asking my mom if I was as pretty as [my best friend] Monique,” the actress recounted. “And with all the love in the world, my mom looked at me and said, ‘Oh, honey, you’re so funny.’ Wow, Mom. That could be why Jen's so effed-up. I feel sorta sad now.

“So, she doesn’t lie to me . . . She answers the question by not answering and instead tells me what she thinks is my greatest strength.”

Her parents, Aniston recalled, were funny and made each other laugh “like nobody’s business.”

“I put a lot of value in that at a very young age,” she said.

Aniston told the mag that her love woes are nothing compared with the “brick walls” she’s had to break through from her childhood.

The hardest part: “My dad walking out and not seeing him for a year and not knowing where he was . . . Trying to understand, ‘Where did that person go?’ ” she explained.

Aniston’s actor parents, Nancy Dow and John Aniston, split when she was 9.

The star says that if she weren’t an actress, her dream job would be to become a microsurgeon.

“The intense focus and detail . . . completely fascinate me,” she said.

My eyes are rolling like a slot machine. Someone call the Pit Boss to reset them.

Oh, HI Gwyneth! I effing HATE you, or hadn't you heard??

Let ME show you how to stuff
that chicken, you SNIP.

God DAMN IT. I hate Paltrow...the loathing is actually palpable in my brain. I mean I actually feel it. It's a dull, hot, thudding sensation.

First off, let me start off by saying I've had a hell of a day. Stephen, my darling husband had chest pains. Scary ones. (Because there are sweet chest pains? Maybe there are...like "love pains", but I'm not staying on task here..) So, yeah. The Emergency Room. The Trauma Room. The staff did an EKG, blood work and a stress test and sent Stephen on his way. I'm not convinced. He had chest pains, man--chest pains, pressure and pain down his LEFT arm. "Sure, Stephen...you're just fine. Run along home, now." What???? I've turned into the Mama Bear I was with my boys, but now with my husband. So now I'm watching everything. His pallor. His mood. His appetite. His...EVERYTHING. Again. I am not convinced. I think an ultra-sound was in order. God, do I have to do EVERYTHING for those doctors??

NOW can you see why I'm so effing irritated to see Paltrow's DROOP (that's what I'm calling it, since everyone else calls it POOP--I'd rather call it C U Next Tuesday, but it doesn't rhyme with GOOP) blog in my inbox?? MotherEFF. Between her grating voice and her no-bra and stupidly (thanks Barack!) fitting grey shirt, I'm going to need the fire extinguisher for my hair again.

In the tender words of Trent Reznor:

Cross my heart and hope to die;
but the needle's already in my eye.

Only Trent seems to understand my pain....

"...a chicken!" "Fast food!" "Par boil!" Hey, Dumbass...I keep hoping that red string is blood and that you've cut yourself with your snooty KITCHEN SHEARS! I just may have an aneurysm if I don't shut up about her...but WAIT. I must post her little note to us regarding some summer reading:

As I prepare to have some August downtime, I’m dying to get my summer reading list in order. I’ve asked some friends for their best summer reads – to help narrow down the plethora of great novels. There is something for everyone here.

Love,

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas A classic, which I hear is steamy.

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner Must get through another Faulkner this summer.

If ONLY, Paltrow. If ONLY.

Oh, and Paltrow's FRIENDS' picks...get this shit:

"Ellen Silverman is a brilliant, warm, and intellectual New York City mother who also happens to be one of the world’s best food photographers."

The description of this woman makes me angry just reading it.

The Josephine Bonaparte Trilogy: The Many Lives and Secret Sorrows of Josephine B., Tales of Passion, Tales of Woe and The Last Great Dance on Earth by Sandra Gulland Once you start reading this trilogy you will not be able to put it down. You become so immersed in the life of Josephine Bonaparte that you feel as if you are there with her. The books are written in diary format and trace her life from her birth in the islands through the French Revolution – chronicling not only her life before, during and after Bonaparte, but providing rich solid historical information and beautiful detail regarding fashion, culture and society during her lifetime.

Oh dear Lord. I have to stop this insanity...because I WILL go insane--and take ALL OF YOU WITH ME!!!

Katy Perry bugs the crap out of me, and, oh--WHATthegoddamnhell is she wearing?

"Why, thank you!"

I really don't enjoy Katy Perry. Oh yeah, I said it. I think she sucks when singing live, first and foremost. Her clothing isn't amusing, it's just dumb. Here's the faux-glamour girl herself on yesterday's Today Show. Ugh.

I have two words for Ms. Perry: NOVELTY ACT. Soon enough you'll find "I Kissed A Girl" next to "The Monster Mash" (they don't bother alphabetizing) in the discount bin at Going Out of Business Sale at your local Sam Goody.

I know why I'm crabby today. Two words: GWYNETH PALTROW.

"See you next Tuesday", Gwynnie.

This piece of crap was the first thing I saw in my inbox today. Oh, there's much more to it, but I swear to God, the pain in my left eye cannot TAKE anymore of Paltrow's blather. I'd like 30 mintues alone with this bitch to give her a lesson on THE REAL EFFING WORLD. I've never, repeat, NEVER heard or read anything more elitist, snobbish or a big, fat "I'm BETTER THAN YOU" than what spews out of that bitch's mouth. Have you seen her crappy travel/food shows with fatass (and equally snooty) Mario Batali? They make me wanna puke.

For your reading torture, here is an excerpt of what I was greeted with this morning in my email:


"As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing. And don’t forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.

Love,

Gwyneth"

That snippy, self-important tone somehow always sets my hair aflame. Oh, and I forgot to mention how much this smug bitch hates America:

"The Oscar-winning actress says she traveled to Spain as a teenager, fell in love with the country, and embraces the culture to the point that she visits at least once a year and makes sure her young children, Apple and Moses, also speak the language. (Sure they do, you idiot.)

"When I was 15, I went to a small town outside Talavera de la Reina and I had the most wonderful experience. It really changed my life," Paltrow said in fluent Spanish during a recent interview.Paltrow said Spain "became a second home.""It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she said.

This shrew seems to forget that she was raised in an extremely wealthy family, with Hollywood ties that opened every door for her boney ass. But the best thing that ever happened to Paltrow was being BRAD PITT'S girlfriend. Foolishly, she cheated on him. But, her name was made due to that relationship. Otherwise, she was just a bland blonde. She got lucky.

My favorite Paltrow movie is "Se7en" because her head ends up in a FedEx box.

There. I feel better now, but can someone tell me why I subscribe to that goddamn blog of hers???