Friday, July 31, 2009

Mimoo and Eminem are in 8th grade.

Oh, now GIRLS!!

Mariah Carey and Eminem are behaving like the 8th grade girls that they are. God, here we go again. First he talks crap about her, right? Then she does a song and video called "Obsessed" which alludes to Em's OBESSION (?) with Mimoo. Now Em has written a nasty-ass rap about their alledged relationship--if that's what you want to call this mess he barfed up:

WARNING: These lyrics are not pretty. I'm tellin' ya now. If you are a delicate flower, don't read any further; otherwise, don't complain to me about the profanity. I'm just tellin' ya what I heard, yo.

"Yeah, what you gonna say? I'm lucky? Tell the public that I was so ugly that you had to be drunk to me?
Second base? What the fuck you tell Nick, punk?
In the second week we was dry humping. It's gotta count for something.
Listen, girly. Surely you don't want me to talk about how I nutted early cos ejaculated early and bus all over your belly, and you almost started hurling and said I was gross, go get a towel you're stomachs curling. Or maybe you do.
But if I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you and don't you dare say it isn't true.
As long as the song's getting airplay I'm dissing you."

by The Distinguished Marshall Mathers

I'm wiping away the tears...what a sensitive piece of songwriting...sniff sniff.

Victoria Beckham LISTENED to me!

Posh is still far too thin,
but we're getting somewhere.

Wasn't it just a few days ago when I was making fun of--and admonishing--Vicks (I'm going to call her that now) for wearing Loubs and a pencil skirt, sitting with a corn cob up her bum while sitting on a swing? We're making progress.

Now, if only that cup of hers was filled with warm lard, we really be getting somewhere.

When is a woman too old to dress like this?

Oh, forpitySAKE!

I think we all know by now that I'm no prude. But really? Does Chinston have to dress like this all the damn time? What is she now, 50? (I know, whatever.) It's unseemly, Jen...and DES. PER. ATE.

Ugh. No wonder John Mayer left her needy ass. And yes--that's how it went down. He had to change his number due to her incessant texts, voice-mails and other nuttiness in the end. It was ugly.

It's true.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Oh, HI Gwyneth! I effing HATE you, or hadn't you heard??

Let ME show you how to stuff
that chicken, you SNIP.

God DAMN IT. I hate Paltrow...the loathing is actually palpable in my brain. I mean I actually feel it. It's a dull, hot, thudding sensation.

First off, let me start off by saying I've had a hell of a day. Stephen, my darling husband had chest pains. Scary ones. (Because there are sweet chest pains? Maybe there "love pains", but I'm not staying on task here..) So, yeah. The Emergency Room. The Trauma Room. The staff did an EKG, blood work and a stress test and sent Stephen on his way. I'm not convinced. He had chest pains, man--chest pains, pressure and pain down his LEFT arm. "Sure,'re just fine. Run along home, now." What???? I've turned into the Mama Bear I was with my boys, but now with my husband. So now I'm watching everything. His pallor. His mood. His appetite. His...EVERYTHING. Again. I am not convinced. I think an ultra-sound was in order. God, do I have to do EVERYTHING for those doctors??

NOW can you see why I'm so effing irritated to see Paltrow's DROOP (that's what I'm calling it, since everyone else calls it POOP--I'd rather call it C U Next Tuesday, but it doesn't rhyme with GOOP) blog in my inbox?? MotherEFF. Between her grating voice and her no-bra and stupidly (thanks Barack!) fitting grey shirt, I'm going to need the fire extinguisher for my hair again.

In the tender words of Trent Reznor:

Cross my heart and hope to die;
but the needle's already in my eye.

Only Trent seems to understand my pain....

"...a chicken!" "Fast food!" "Par boil!" Hey, Dumbass...I keep hoping that red string is blood and that you've cut yourself with your snooty KITCHEN SHEARS! I just may have an aneurysm if I don't shut up about her...but WAIT. I must post her little note to us regarding some summer reading:

As I prepare to have some August downtime, I’m dying to get my summer reading list in order. I’ve asked some friends for their best summer reads – to help narrow down the plethora of great novels. There is something for everyone here.


--- Gwyneth Paltrow

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

A classic, which I hear is steamy.

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

Must get through another Faulkner this summer.

If ONLY, Paltrow. If ONLY.

Oh, and Paltrow's FRIENDS' picks...get this shit:

"Ellen Silverman is a brilliant, warm, and intellectual New York City mother who also happens to be one of the world’s best food photographers."

The description of this woman makes me angry just reading it.

The Josephine Bonaparte Trilogy: The Many Lives and Secret Sorrows of Josephine B., Tales of Passion, Tales of Woe and The Last Great Dance on Earth by Sandra Gulland

Once you start reading this trilogy you will not be able to put it down. You become so immersed in the life of Josephine Bonaparte that you feel as if you are there with her. The books are written in diary format and trace her life from her birth in the islands through the French Revolution – chronicling not only her life before, during and after Bonaparte, but providing rich solid historical information and beautiful detail regarding fashion, culture and society during her lifetime.

Oh dear Lord. I have to stop this insanity...because I WILL go insane--and take ALL OF YOU WITH ME!!!

Wow...Madonna AGAIN this week? "Celebration" is leaked!

I don't care for the word "leaked". It's just icky.

ANYgay, Madonna's new single "Celebration" has been um, disclosed without authorization.

Oh, and it's AWESOME.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Michael Jackson's Chef Recalls the Sad Day...

Kai Chase, Michael Jackson's family chef
Janet Jackson, comforting Paris, Blanket and Prince

Via CNN, Larry King LIVE:

Celebrity chef Kai Chase was Michael Jackson’s personal chef at the time of his death. She was working in his home the day he died. Below are her chilling memories of the events that day. Kai will be Larry’s guest Thursday night.


The Jackson home was a very loving environment. I worked there on and off since March as Mr. Jackson’s personal chef. In that time, I got to know the kids well. We bonded immediately. They are wonderful children — loving, giving, caring and very close as siblings go. You would never know their dad was one of the most famous people on Earth. Paris-Prince-Funeral

Mr. Jackson was a great father. He was lenient in the evenings. He loved to let them stay up late, watch movies, and eat popcorn at night; but the days were fairly regimented. There was time set aside for study, theater and dance. The house was always filled with games, laughter and music. This makes what happened on June 25th all the more difficult.

The day of Mr. Jackson’s death, I didn’t see him. But his room was upstairs, so that wasn’t unusual. Dr. Conrad Murray had been coming over daily since I returned to the Jackson house in the beginning of June. He would normally arrive around 9 a.m. and leave shortly after lunch. I didn’t really know him well, but everyone in the house was friendly with each other, and he was no exception.

Dr. Murray usually came down to the kitchen around 10 a.m. to get Mr. Jackson something to eat or drink, but on June 25th he didn’t come downstairs. Again, this didn’t strike me as that unusual — I thought maybe Mr. Jackson’s rehearsal time had been pushed back and he was sleeping late.

I went on with my daily routine, and started preparing lunch. Mr. Jackson and the kids would usually have lunch around 12:30, but that was flexible depending on what was going on that day. Much has been made of Mr. Jackson’s eating habits and weight prior to his death. He seemed to have normal eating habits to me.

At noon on June 25th, I remember looking at my cell phone to check the time. About 5 or 10 minutes after I did that, Dr. Murray came running halfway down the stairs that led to the kitchen, screaming “Hurry, get Prince, get security.” Clearly, something was very wrong.

I instantly felt the energy in the house change. It was normally a warm, happy home. In an instant that feeling was gone. The mood became very unsettling. I tried to continue with my lunch preparations, but the house became chaotic. Security guards were rushing by, the housekeepers were crying, Paris was screaming “Daddy, Daddy.” The children knew something was very wrong. This was their father — the only person they have in the world. We weren’t told what was going on, but you could feel things were very bad. We eventually gathered everyone together in a circle — the three kids, all the staff — and we prayed. “God, please let everything be O.K. with Mr. Jackson.”

Around 1:15 or 1:30p.m security told all the employees to leave the house. We asked if Mr. Jackson was all right, and were just told he had been taken to the hospital. We still didn’t know what was happening, but the sight of a stretcher in the foyer of the house earlier told me things were not good. Still, I didn’t learn of Mr. Jackson’s death until later that day on the radio.

It was a devastating day, and one I will never forget."

What a chilling statement. I look forward to seeing Ms. Chase on Larry King tomorrow night.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Shirley Manson Graces the Stage Last Night at the No Doubt Concert in L.A.

Girl crush.

Oh, to have been at the No Doubt show in L.A. last night. Shirley Manson from Garbage joined Gwen (and the chick from The Sounds) for a cover of Adam and the Ants classic, "Stand and Deliver". I'm SUCH a goon for Shirley. I think I've had a crush on her since I first heard "I'm Only Happy When it Rains". What year was that, 1995? Obviously, she's as fabulous as ever, and I'd definitely choose Shirley over Gwen any day.

Hunter and I were lucky enough to meet Shirley back in 1996 at O'Hare International Airport. (Alex decided his Big Mac was more important and stayed several rows back, rolling his eyes. Pssh.) Shirley was SUCH a little, tiny, sweet doll. I'll never forget how tender she was with Hunter, shaking his hand, and then kind of just holding onto it while she chatted with him and asked him questions. He was six years old...and smitten.

We've seen Garbage in concert 3 or 4 times...I can't remember. I used to totally color my hair like Shirley's. (Gosh, what a 7th grader.) The last time Hunter and I saw Garbage (we went with Patrick), we were in the pit...right down in front of the stage. Hunter's ribs were being crushed against the stage by a big chick who kept shoving me into him. I had finally had it, and threw my elbow HARD up into her ear. She stopped shoving me. Hunter loves that story. I think he was 12 this time. Don't EFF with my kids! (Yeah, I'm a least I used to be?)

Shirley? Please tour again!

Madonna - CELEBRATION, ya'll!

The Cover.

Two photos combined to make ONE.
I LOVE this one.

For once (?) I'm not bitching about Madonna. Here's the thing: I do LOVE her. Always have--always will. I'm just not digging her vein-y look these days. Creep. E. Remember the days of Madonna's voluptuousness? I pine for those days. "Vogue"? Come ON, Madge.

ANYgay. Sistergirl has a "best of" cd coming out called CELEBRATION.


"Here is our first look at the cover for “Celebration” created by street pop artist Mr. Brainwash who is best known for “throwing modern cultural icons into a blender and turning it up to eleven.” [source] We love it, it's very old school Madonna.

Mr. Brainwash, the creator of Madonna's "Celebration" album cover, started his career in France as a documentary film maker to become later a popular street artist. He currently resides in L.A and where he is a well known graffiti artist. His "Celebration" cover reprises the classic Madonna shot by Jean-Baptiste Mondino that premiered on "Bazaar" magazine in 1990 blended with another iconic 1987 portrait by Alberto Tolot."

...the ultimate compilation of Madonna songs. The songs on “Celebration” have all been remastered and selected by Madonna and her fans. They cover the expanse of the Material Girl’s extraordinary career of hits including “Everybody,” “Express Yourself,” “Vogue” and “4 Minutes.”

“Celebration” will be available in a two-CD set as well as a single CD. There will also be a “Celebration” DVD released simultaneously which includes the video visionary’s best videos including several that have never before been available on DVD."

Are my gays happy?

Wanna hear something gross?

You'll never guess what that mess is!

Here's the headline, for your reading pleasure:

Truck scatters animal parts on I-5 near Tacoma

Have you all heard just how bloody HOT it is up here in Seattle? We're talking RECORD HEAT--mid-to-upper 90's. I screamed and covered my mouth when I saw this on the local news last night--and being the nice gal that I am, I thought I'd share it with ya'll!

Washington State Patrol troopers say a rendering truck that lost its load scattered dead animal parts across the northbound lanes of Interstate 5 in Tacoma.

Troopers say the Monday night spill triggered a 3-mile backup in the northbound lanes, with southbound traffic moving slowly near the scene for some time after the crash.

In all, the lanes of northbound I-5 near the Tacoma Dome were closed for over four hours Monday night with traffic only getting through on the shoulder.

The DOT's Karri Workman says the smell was "horrendous", and cleaning up the slimey mess was a long, difficult process, "A front end loader actually scoops up the debris from the highway, puts that into the empty dump- truck, and when mot'sst of that debris is gone, (Monday night's) job was made more complicated by the heat and the nature of the debris on the highway."

Workman says ultimately, sand had to be spread across the road, so all the stuff could be removed.

Hey! What's for lunch today?

Today's Blind Item - STD Edition!

"Which half-jock couple isn't telling the truth about their breakup? Both parties are sticking to the same story: it was mutual and they still really, really care about each other, but their careers forced them to spend too much time apart. LOL. Not even close. The truth is that he was a dog. Not the cute, cuddly type you carry around for a photo op. No, he was the two-timing, non-condom-wearing kind of sinner. She wound up with an STD that he picked up from one of his pickups. No, it's not Paris Hilton." [BlindGossip]

First of all...PANTS ON FIRE. Literally, it looks like.

Two choices:

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush just broke up, giving "conflicting schedules" as the reason for the break-up.

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson broke up little while ago, but it seemed as though Tony was the one doing the breaking up. The clue,
"...the truth is that he was a dog. Not the cute, cuddly type you carry around for a photo op", kind of sounds like this couple, in that Jess always carried that "titty dog" around.

I'm still going with the Tush and the Bush. that moniker for Kim and Reggie sounds totally nast.

Lindsay Lohan is a dirty girl. But we all knew that, didn't we?

If we didn't know better,
we'd assume this was a hooker
looking for the bathroom in a nice
retail store to ________:
Fill in the blank.

Lindsay clearly needs a wash. Who walks around a store with feet like that? She's also taken to not wearing a bra. Normally, that wouldn't bother me that much, but with her stick-like frame, her big ol'sagging boobies are, well, nast. If anyone else tried to get into this shop they'd be shunned quicker than Vivian in Pretty Woman--who at least had the decency to OWN her prostituting ways. Know'msayin'?

Do I need to remind everyone that Lindsay just turned 23?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Oh. I'm so shocked. Dr. Conrad Murray admits he gave Michael Jackson the Propofol. Whaaaa? Pssssh.

Um, Dr. Murray? Wipe that smug smile off your face.
You'll soon be in a cell with Bubba.
Oh, and in case you hadn't heard,
this is NOT to be used like
UNISOM, ya'll. Durrrrr.

Didn't I just say this very thing yesterday? Good Lord. I'd charge a lot less than these people investigating this a-hole "doctor". I KNOW things, and everyone should know that by now.

updated 3:19 p.m. PT, Mon., July 27, 2009

LOS ANGELES - Michael Jackson’s personal doctor administered a powerful anesthetic to help him sleep, and authorities believe the drug is what killed the pop singer, a law enforcement official told The Associated Press on Monday.

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing, said Jackson regularly received propofol to sleep, a practice far outside the drug’s intended purpose. On June 25, the day Jackson died, Dr. Conrad Murray gave him the drug sometime after midnight, the official said.

Murray became Jackson’s personal physician in May and was to accompany him to London for a series of concerts starting in July. He was staying with Jackson in a rented Los Angeles mansion and, according to Chernoff, found an unconscious Jackson in the pop star’s bedroom the morning of June 25. Murray attempted to revive him but could not.

Police searching Jackson’s home after his death found propofol and other drugs, an IV line and three tanks of oxygen in Jackson’s bedroom, and 15 more oxygen tanks in a security guard’s shack.

Propofol can depress breathing and lower heart rates and blood pressure. Because of the risks, propofol is only supposed to be administered in hospitals. Instructions on the drug’s package warn that patients must be continuously monitored, and that equipment to maintain breathing, to provide artificial ventilation, and to administer oxygen if needed “must be immediately available.”

Jackson had trouble sleeping and the official said he enlisted various doctors to administer propofol, relying on the drug like an alarm clock. He would decide what time he wanted to awaken and at the appointed hour a doctor would stop the intravenous drip that delivered the drug, the official said."

All together now: "They're gonna put a bitch in jaaaaaail."

Today's Blind Item - Eating Disorder Edition

"Some actresses battle with their weight. Not this one. For her, it's an all-out war. Our actress is a svelte size 4, but she has a little black notebook into which she records every bite of food she eats. She calculates the portion size, calories, carbs, protein and fat. She also records every minute of exercise and how many calories she burned. If her net for the day is over 1200 calories, she cuts back the next day by that exact amount. If her net for the day is under, she allows herself one Oreo cookie as a reward. One.

If you're wondering why she is so tightly wound about food, it's likely because her ex - also an actor - used to constantly tell her she was fat compared to other actresses, and then later rather cruelly dumped her." [BlindGossip]

This one really pisses me off.

Madonna Renames Tour: "Sinuey and Veiny"

What is THAT??
Madonna and one of her dancers
rehearsing for her tour.
It's strenuous, ya'll.

Show of hands? Who here thinks this looks sexy? Would anyone want to snuggle up to that? This is not what I want to see first thing on Monday morning.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Two Total Douches in the Hamptons. Guess Who?

I have an idea for a new SNL skit:
"Two A-Holes in Flip-Flops at the Hamptons"

Holy shit. Does is get much douchier than these two a-holes? Of all the jerks Jon Gosselin could have found to pal around with, he picked the jerk of all jerks: Michael Lohan. Let's all have a moment of eye-rolling, shall we?

According to People Magazine, Michael has these nuggets of wisdom regarding Jon and Kate and their brood:

"He would love to be friends with her," says Lohan, the estranged father of Lindsay Lohan, who's been showing Gosselin around the Hamptons and and who has become an unlikely advisor. "They had eight kids and he would like to work things out the right way and just be friends."

"A lot of opportunities are opening up for him," Lohan says of his friend, referring to possible endorsement deals.

Lohan also says Gosselin is in a good mood these days. "He's fantastic and upbeat and said that he just wanted to concentrate on his kids and his career and his life," he said. "It's overwhelming for him but he's handling it.

As for for Gosselin's gal pal Hailey Glassman and the former Star magazine reporter Gosselin's been spotted with, Kate Major, "he's not with either one right now," Lohan reports.

"He's not concentrating on a relationship with any woman. He just wants to take a step back and deal with his family and his kids."

I'm in no mood for these two creeps. All we need are a bunch of little Gosselin girls behaving like Lindsay in about 10 years. Jesus H.

All Kinds of Michael Jackson Crap and Rumors


A jar of noses? (Isn't that the name of a band?) A closet full of drugs, namely the Propofol? Dr. Conrad Murray calling his office to seek and destroy MJ's records from a storage unit before having someone else call 911 -- because Michael was already dead, then telling the paramedics unit NOT to declare him dead because he had "higher medical authority than the EMTs"? The paramedics not even recognizing Michael, saying he looked like a "frail old man"? Good Lord.

This story gets worse every. Single. Day. Oh, yeah. They found a shitload of money (CASH!) belonging to Michael in some other dude's possession. Actually, he turned it in...but still.

Think this mess can't get any worse? Just wait. I swear to God, though. I better NOT see any photos of MJ's body from the L.A. County Coroner's Office. A bunch of a-holes went in to gape at Michael's corpse and then blab to the tabloids about its appearance. Gross. I don't wanna hear about it, read about it and I better not see it. Ya hear me talkin' to ya?

I'll say it again. Those poor kids (aka The Jackson 3, if Gramps has his way).

A Special Song...for Elly.

Sometimes a song has a particularly special meaning...this one does. The lyrics have always touched me. I remember listening to this on "repeat" from Paris back to Seattle when Stephen and I were on our way home from Florence.

This lovely song reminds me of the special people in my life who GET me...Stephen, Hunter, Alex, Patrick, Annette and now, Elly.

I've seen Incubus five times in concert--and I'd go again tomorrow, if I could.


We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone.

There are days when I have that "weakness" and "sickness" today. I want to thank my sweet ones for being there...and finding the "better part of me".

Oh, Candy Spelling. You slay me.

Dorian Gray and her foal.
See? The photo in the attic just
keeps getting OLDER. Then there's
the full-grown filly.

For all of you who have issues with family members,Candy Spelling (the Mother of All Mothers since Miss Crawford) has shown us that this is the latest--and best--way to communicate their shortcomings as human beings: Draft an email to TMZ and save your postage and lose your dignity, all in one fell swoop.


I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori's, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter's first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I'm sure its delivery will be on next week's episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won't like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don't read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying "she's late." I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.

Back to other reality stars. My husband taught me that the plots have to be fresh and updated. The same old whining gets tired after a while. Enough complaining about what may or may not have happened during first grade or YMCA camp, or what vegetable you were forced to endure, especially when you are privileged enough to be on TV and get paid for it.

For all the reality show personalities, please remember that real life doesn't get edited to make things better or worse or get better ratings. You're responsible for what you do. Life isn't just a show. And your families can't just be props. Make your own season finale without creating conflicts you will regret later.

That was awesome.

However, I highly doubt Tori's beef with her mother has anything to do with being forced to eat icky vegetables inasmuch as Tori clearly has the scurvy. I think it may have everything to do with the fact Tori only received $800,000 from her dad's gazillions when he passed away. That, and the fact that Candy went "on the record" saying that Tori "killed her father".

Oh. That.

Sidebar: You know what I've decided? If I ever somehow thought to get a stable of horses, I would name them Sarah, Jessica, Parker and Tori. Isn't that precious?

That was for Holly...because it IS funny every. Single. Time!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

OY! Posh! Back away from the Loubs!!

OhforPITYsake, Woman!

Really, Victoria?? Do you not see how crazy this looks? There comes a day, and I believe it has arrived, for you to put away the Christian Louboutin stilettos. You can ween yourself off...start by wearing proper attire to the playground, mmkay? (See Gwen Stefani at the park with her kids.)

You look like a dork and someone really should hurl a dodgeball at you.

Katy Perry bugs the crap out of me, and, oh--WHATthegoddamnhell is she wearing?

"Why, thank you!"

I really don't enjoy Katy Perry. Oh yeah, I said it. I think she sucks when singing live, first and foremost. Her clothing isn't amusing, it's just dumb. Here's the faux-glamour girl herself on yesterday's Today Show. Ugh.

I have two words for Ms. Perry: NOVELTY ACT. Soon enough you'll find "I Kissed A Girl" next to "The Monster Mash" (they don't bother alphabetizing) in the discount bin at Going Out of Business Sale at your local Sam Goody.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Today's Blind Item - Short Skirt Edition!

“This actress loves short skirts. She’s not an ingenue anymore, and they are not appropriate for most of the roles she plays, so she doesn’t wear them all that often herself. However, she is very quick to tell other women she sees in short skirts how great their legs look. Oh, and here’s the really creepy part: If she gets a positive response to her comments about a woman’s legs, she will often follow up by asking the woman if they are wearing underwear or if they’re going commando.We wonder if her man knows that she spends time focusing on other women’s fashion choices and physiques.” [Blind Gossip]


Cruz Beckham, being all aggro and can't be arsed, while flashing gang signs!

OY! West Side, love.
The Beckham lads at The Grove
Daddy Beckham thought it would be a sweet idea to take his young lads to The Grove (a big, fancy shopping mall) in L.A. yesterday. I can understand wanting to go out with the Of COURSE you're going to have a cranky time, filled with paps, fans and Lord knows what else, Becks. You. Are. David. Beckham.
Get a clue, Sweetie Darling.
I actually think Cruz looks crabby because he found out he was named after Cruise-y. Ewww. Do you blame him?

For reals this time...the teaser trailer to Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland"!

The other day, every single blogger this side of Pluto tried to post the amazing teaser trailer to Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" only to have the video pulled. Here it is now, for reals, ya'll.

Mmm...I'm SO ready for this.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Johnny Depp's Dream Role: Carol Channing?

Why not?

Oh, Quirky McOddball-Depp, I love you. Of course you want to play Carol Channing! Who ELSE could play her in a biopic? Now, let's talk directors! There's the obvious choice of Tim Burton, but I'd like to see John Waters at the helm, wouldn't you? I think we need a reunion of Waters and I want to watch the classic, "Crybaby", just thinking about the possibilities!

Johnny told the Mirror:

“My dream role would be to play musical legend Carol Channing in a biopic of her life. I love her, I really do. She’s amazing,” he told Britain’s The Mirror Thursday. “With all the digital technology available these days I could probably pull it off.”

Carol gave her wide-eyed response:

"It is not a new concept to me. Not at all. Men have been imitating me for as long as I can remember. In fact, most of the impersonations I have seen have had a five o'clock shadow. I imagine, when or if Johnny should portray me, he will succeed. Because a true artist, such as himself, is one who loves his or her creation and therefore represents their honest view of that which they are creating. I think he is a gifted performer and I would be very proud, as well as interested in seeing what his vision of me would be. Johnny is someone I would very much like to help me and my foundation to bring the Arts back into the the public school system in America."

OH--guess what? Patrick had Carol over to his house! He said she's just lovely.

Name dropper.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I'm starting the rumor NOW: The Jonas Brothers are Plushie Lovers

That's right. The Purity Ring boys
prefer a different kind of love.

I'm breaking my own rules:

1.) Never, ever mention the goddamn Jonas Brother Dorks; and

B.) (Still funny.) Never, ever mention the goddamn nuts who are plushie lovers.

How-effing-ever. When the above-mentioned, non-mentioning topics combine, all bets are off. How dare those Purity Ring-wearing goons subject their perversions on innocent youngsters (notice I didn't just say "girls", wink wink nudge nudge). I just find it odd that all three Jonai have a "thing" for pigs. **Correction. I see one of them is a bear (hmmm) cop. Even weirder.**

Any plushie nuts (and I mean that in the nicest way) out there who can educate me on some of the intricacies of Plushie Love?

FYI: This is, arguably, the worst blog I've ever written. See what happens when I DO write about those ugly Disney Dorks??

First REAL Peek of Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland"

Who else is excited about "Alice"??

Thanks, Lisa!! xoxo ~j

Ummm...this is so not the trailer. Pssssh.

Oh Dear. The Taco Bell Chihuahua has passed away.

Gidget, RIP, Lovey.

It’s a sad sad day for doggie and Taco Bell lovers alike. The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” chihuahua, aka Gidget, has passed away.

"People exclusively delivered the sad news, announcing that the dog named Gidget died from a stroke on Tuesday night.

Gidget’s trainer, Sue Chipperton says, “She made so many people happy. I like to joke that it’s like looking after a plant (because she enjoyed laying out in the sun). Gidget always knew where the camera was.”

Picture me with a sad face and my lip out a little bit. I loved this little doggie...sniff sniff.

My prediction: They're gonna put this bitch in jail.

I'll bet Dr. Conrad ain't smilin' now.

Peace, indeed.

I am the new Miss Cleo. And by that I mean, I'm going to look into the future and state the obvious: Dr. Conrad Murray is gonna go to jail, ya'll. Yah...thah's what me thought! (Okay, my Jamaican accent is just as crappy is Miss Cleo's.) So listen up, my babies:

TMZ is reporting:

"...the Houston office of Dr. Conrad Murray is currently being raided by federal authorities ... and we've learned they are looking specifically for all medical records relating to Michael Jackson. We're told 8 Drug Enforcement Agency vehicles arrived at his offices about 30 minutes ago. Two LAPD detectives also arrived on scene along with uniformed members of the Houston Police Department and 10 members of the DEA's Tactical Diversion Team. There are another dozen or so DEA agents on hand. The law enforcement agents, armed with a search warrant, entered the property and began going through the property."

Hold on tight, ya'll. It's all about to hit the fan.

Today's Blind Item - You Will Squeal!!


"The attorneys have finally hammered out an agreement! We're finally getting close to the announcement of a split of this couple. Have you noticed how few photos there have been of them together lately? Half this couple is on a project that requires travel. The other half joins them fairly frequently, but it's really just for the sake of the children. They both have outside relationships. He has a new - albeit temporary - boy toy that his boyfriend is not too happy about. She has an extra man in her life but is afraid to be seen with him before the announcement. No need to feel bad for her, though. She will be doing a happy dance soon enough. Dance, girl, dance!" [BlindGossip]

The only word missing here is: STINKFOOT.


LeAnn Rimes Gets What She Deserves.

LeAnn with her giant cheating feet. Wow.
I recognize this dude, but now it's for
the wrong reasons.

Apparently LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have still been secretly seeing each other which has finally resulted in his wife Brandy Glanville leaving him. Us Weekly reports:

"Eddie and I have decided to take some time apart," says Glanville, 36, mother of Mason, 6, and Jake, 2. "I want to do what is best for our children. Eddie and LeAnn [Rimes] deserve each other."
According to Us Weekly, the final straw came after Cibrian, 36, and Rimes, 26, were caught again together in the early afternoon of July 17 -- four months after broke the news of their affair -- outside the Malibu home of Jeff Berger, a longtime friend of the singer and her [GAY!!] husband, Dean Sheremet. (News of Cibrian having another affair -- with 24-year-old model Scheana Marie Jancan -- also broke earlier this same month.)

I know. Nobody cares.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Who is this Dumbass Lt. Col. Ralph Peters, and WTF?

You all know I rarely get political on this blog. HOWEVER. When I come across something as completely asinine as this dude, Lt. Col. Raph Peters, (who is a FOX military analyst) who is reporting that the U.S. soldier, Bowe Bergdahl, who's being held by the Taliban "a deserter...a liar.. and that nobody in the Military is defending this guy", AND that the Taliban should just kill him and save the United States time and money, I can't keep my pie-hole shut.

Please watch this video. Is it just ME? Good Lord. I'm appalled FOX allowed this interview to actually go on-air.


Today's Blind Item!!

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which indie starlet secretly has a house decorated entirely with “Alice in Wonderland” paraphernalia?

This really doesn't sound all that weird to me...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Chris Brown? Thanks anyway.

Here's the thing. He can say all he wants that his attorney told him to keep quiet about being "sorry" for beating the everloving crap out of Rihanna. The fact is? He's paying his attorney. He can godamn say he's sorry any. time. he. wants. Particularly if he REALLY MEANT IT. I believe 100% if that dumbass had said and done something sooner all of this whining of his would have been far more believeable.

Chris Brown is a thug who beats up women. He's READING his lines during this video. Some people think he deserves a second chance. I'm not one of them. He got off easy. Any other dude in the country, who is NOT an entertainer, would still be sitting in a jail cell for what he did. This bitch should be in jail.

It takes an experience like that in one's life to really feel that strongly about this subject...and to an extent, I'm one of them. I don't think he'll change. Wait and see.

On this subject, I'm not really down with arguments. Sorry.

Paltrow is Pissed and I'm Laughing.

Snip-fight, ya'll!

I'm no fan of Scarlett Johansson, but if anyone can irritate Paltrow, they are OK by me!

Picture me holding my belly from laughter right now. Someone seems to be missing from the cover of the latest edition of Entertainment Weekly, featuring the stars of "Ironman 2". Oh, Paltrow. No one wants to see your smug, bony ass staring back at them from their mailbox, sister. Just one look at your pinched mug incites explosive diarrhea, due to all of your cleansing talk.

I need to come up with a better, more descriptive name for Paltrow. Some folks already call her stupid blog "POOP". I'll come up with something, don't you worry.

Today's Blind Item!!

"This crown prince of the celebutards is married to a B list movie actress with A list name recognition. To impress his friends, our celebutard likes nothing more than to whip out his cell phone and show them naked pictures of his wife." [CDaN]

Looks like this couple has made my blog TWICE today. Shame, shame.

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's Youngest Daughter Loves a Drinky-Poo

Scout Willis arriving at her
over-the-top 18th birthday party.
Tallulah Willis, not
completely drunk yet.
Tallulah, showing us her Drunkface!
Rumer, arriving in a
see-through flapper dress.
Bruce with his new child bride.

Demi, looking better than she
has a right to.
I highly doubt Ashton got any
footage of his youngest step-daughter
being completely inappropriate.

I'm the first one to say "hindsight is 20/20", so let me get that out of the way right now. I'm no one to throw stones, but I've got a good arm and the parents in this mess better DUCK. I tell ya what--that little drunken snip Tallulah Belle would be shipped off to a strict boarding school THIS MORNING, had I been the mother in this situation. I guess not everyone learns from their mistakes, do they Demi? Apparently, older sister Scout's 18th birthday was a big ol' 20's-themed boozy party, probably complete with bathtub gin on tap.

I love how Bruce, Demi and Ashton self-righteously pretend they are so on top of what their girls are up to in terms of underage drinking (and all the other stuff that goes along with raising teenagers). Remember when the "adults" weren't all that happy when Rumer (aka Chinny Chin Chin) was hanging out with Lindsay a couple years ago? I'm sure that did a lot of good. Pssh.

I actually think Demi is more like her role in "Bobby" than she'd care to admit. Remember the scene where she was all drunk, smoking and belittling Sharon Stone's character, while gittin' her hair did? Yeah. That one. Having said that, she'd looked fan-effing-TASTIC. Better, in fact, that Bruce's Demi-wannabe new child wife. Maybe that's what really matters?

While Ashton and Demi were busy video-taping one another, where was Tallulah? Gettin' her drink on and hitting on older men and showing her goodies, that's where. She's FIFTEEN. Last I heard, her last name wasn't LOHAN.

via The Socialitelife:

"They grow up so fast don't they? Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher along with Demi's ex-husband Bruce Willis and his new wife Emma Heming threw an 18th birthday bash their daughter Scout LaRue Willis' 18th birthday. The party took place at the Cicada restaurant in Los Angeles California this past Friday, July 17.

Scout's younger sister Tallulah Belle Willis was also at the party, and was acting like one of the grown ups. She was flirting with an older man, cocktail in hand and carrying around a timeless accessory her own pack of Marlboro lights! The 15-year-old concluded the evening by being escorted out (the Willis women love their drinky) by her friends who all carefully steadied her as she tried to avoid the watchful glare of step-dad Ashton Kutcher."

I'd love to have heard the conversation with that little girl the next day--assuming there was one.