The Asshole (aka Kanye West) to appear on Jay Leno tonight?

 

No. Just NO.

Finally. A real opportunity for me to talk about Jay Leno. 'Round these parts (my bedroom), he's referred to as The Lowest Common Denominator of Comedy. I can't even begin to tell y'all how truly unfunny I find The Chin of Late Night (now he's on at the nursing home hour of 10:00 p.m.).
 

So. Jay thinks he's going to pull the same schtick he did with tranny and hooker-lover Hugh Grant all those years ago, but with a complete a-hole who humiliated at 19-year old Taylor Swift l last night on the MTV VMAs. (High pitched voice and wink: "What the hell were you thinking?" HAR HAR HAR.)

Stupid move, Jay. No one wants to hear this dumbshit speak in CAPS LOCK.

Oh, HI Gwyneth! I effing HATE you, or hadn't you heard??

Let ME show you how to stuff
that chicken, you SNIP.

God DAMN IT. I hate Paltrow...the loathing is actually palpable in my brain. I mean I actually feel it. It's a dull, hot, thudding sensation.

First off, let me start off by saying I've had a hell of a day. Stephen, my darling husband had chest pains. Scary ones. (Because there are sweet chest pains? Maybe there are...like "love pains", but I'm not staying on task here..) So, yeah. The Emergency Room. The Trauma Room. The staff did an EKG, blood work and a stress test and sent Stephen on his way. I'm not convinced. He had chest pains, man--chest pains, pressure and pain down his LEFT arm. "Sure, Stephen...you're just fine. Run along home, now." What???? I've turned into the Mama Bear I was with my boys, but now with my husband. So now I'm watching everything. His pallor. His mood. His appetite. His...EVERYTHING. Again. I am not convinced. I think an ultra-sound was in order. God, do I have to do EVERYTHING for those doctors??

NOW can you see why I'm so effing irritated to see Paltrow's DROOP (that's what I'm calling it, since everyone else calls it POOP--I'd rather call it C U Next Tuesday, but it doesn't rhyme with GOOP) blog in my inbox?? MotherEFF. Between her grating voice and her no-bra and stupidly (thanks Barack!) fitting grey shirt, I'm going to need the fire extinguisher for my hair again.

In the tender words of Trent Reznor:

Cross my heart and hope to die;
but the needle's already in my eye.

Only Trent seems to understand my pain....

"...a chicken!" "Fast food!" "Par boil!" Hey, Dumbass...I keep hoping that red string is blood and that you've cut yourself with your snooty KITCHEN SHEARS! I just may have an aneurysm if I don't shut up about her...but WAIT. I must post her little note to us regarding some summer reading:

As I prepare to have some August downtime, I’m dying to get my summer reading list in order. I’ve asked some friends for their best summer reads – to help narrow down the plethora of great novels. There is something for everyone here.

Love,

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas A classic, which I hear is steamy.

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner Must get through another Faulkner this summer.

If ONLY, Paltrow. If ONLY.

Oh, and Paltrow's FRIENDS' picks...get this shit:

"Ellen Silverman is a brilliant, warm, and intellectual New York City mother who also happens to be one of the world’s best food photographers."

The description of this woman makes me angry just reading it.

The Josephine Bonaparte Trilogy: The Many Lives and Secret Sorrows of Josephine B., Tales of Passion, Tales of Woe and The Last Great Dance on Earth by Sandra Gulland Once you start reading this trilogy you will not be able to put it down. You become so immersed in the life of Josephine Bonaparte that you feel as if you are there with her. The books are written in diary format and trace her life from her birth in the islands through the French Revolution – chronicling not only her life before, during and after Bonaparte, but providing rich solid historical information and beautiful detail regarding fashion, culture and society during her lifetime.

Oh dear Lord. I have to stop this insanity...because I WILL go insane--and take ALL OF YOU WITH ME!!!

Two Total Douches in the Hamptons. Guess Who?

I have an idea for a new SNL skit:
"Two A-Holes in Flip-Flops at the Hamptons"

Holy shit. Does is get much douchier than these two a-holes? Of all the jerks Jon Gosselin could have found to pal around with, he picked the jerk of all jerks: Michael Lohan. Let's all have a moment of eye-rolling, shall we?

According to People Magazine, Michael has these nuggets of wisdom regarding Jon and Kate and their brood:

"He would love to be friends with her," says Lohan, the estranged father of Lindsay Lohan, who's been showing Gosselin around the Hamptons and and who has become an unlikely advisor. "They had eight kids and he would like to work things out the right way and just be friends."

"A lot of opportunities are opening up for him," Lohan says of his friend, referring to possible endorsement deals.

Lohan also says Gosselin is in a good mood these days. "He's fantastic and upbeat and said that he just wanted to concentrate on his kids and his career and his life," he said. "It's overwhelming for him but he's handling it.

As for for Gosselin's gal pal Hailey Glassman and the former Star magazine reporter Gosselin's been spotted with, Kate Major, "he's not with either one right now," Lohan reports.

"He's not concentrating on a relationship with any woman. He just wants to take a step back and deal with his family and his kids."

I'm in no mood for these two creeps. All we need are a bunch of little Gosselin girls behaving like Lindsay in about 10 years. Jesus H.

Joe Jackson: Monster, Money Grubber, Satan!

Mr. Inappropriate.
Hey. So THAT'S where my eyebrow
pencil ran off to--nice mustache.

BOOM. Twice in one day I am able to use the term "money grubber"!

I tell ya what, Joe Jackson is a piece of work. He's already rubbing his dirty hands together by eyeballing Michael's kids as his next paycheck. He was on "Good Morning America" this morning, seemingly preparing the world for his next big thing.

"Today in a Good Morning America interview with 79-year-old family patriarch Joe Jackson, interviewer Chris Connelly asks whether he sees any performer potential in Michael's three children. Joe's response? "I keep watching Paris, she maybe wants to do something, you know. And Blanket, he can really dance, that's what they're saying. He can really dance."

First of all, you dumbshit, YOU were left out of Michael's Will for a reason, and your wife, KATHERINE was named Guardian of those poor kids--not YOUR dumb ass.

Why isn't anyone in that family speaking up about how incredibly inappropriate Joe is behaving? Are they all still so terrified of that old man that they won't stand up to him?

Someone needs to get a restraining order again Grandpa Grubbymits and FAST. The last thing those little kids need is to be locked in the basement for 10 hours a day, while that asshole watches them rehearse--with a belt in his hand.

Oh Britney. As if I don't feel sick enough...

Brit-Brit's not so fresh.

Ugh. I seriously didn't think I could feel worse today, then I was hit in the face with this story. For the love of Cheetos, Britney!

"Things reportedly didn’t go entirely to plan when the singer posed for the glamorous photoshoot for Elle during a break from her current Circus tour. ”They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes - and, well, let’s just say she forgot what time of the month it was,” a source tells Page Six. ”It wasn’t pretty.” (via Entertainment Wise)

So yeah. This is worse than the time she ruined a $6700 Zac Posen dress during her infamous OK! magazine shoot in 2007, she allegedly wiped her fried chicken-stained fingers on one dress, while her dog pooped on another gown. How does one "forget" or not even realize what time of the month it is?? Ummm...someone, I don't care who, give Britney Jean Spears a hysterectomy, STAT. It will solve so many future problems, and perhaps save some future lives, know'msayin'?

Nast.

Oh, Yeah. Dina Lohan Really IS Mother of the Year.

No, really. She IS Mother of the Year.
The chick on the right is NOT Dina's sister.
It's Ali, her 15 year old truant daughter.

"...Dina Lohan insists she's a great mom. She particularly takes umbrage with claims that Ali is out socializing with Lindsay instead of going to school, according to People:

"Ali is in a home-schooling program. She has never been pulled out of school," Dina tells PEOPLE exclusively. "It's the same home-schooling program that Lindsay was in since the tenth grade. It's a wonderful program that many celebrities are enrolled in."Defending her parenting skills, she says, "I am a single mom of four children, and I devote my life to my children."

Let me interpret that statement for you: Dina Lohan devotes her life to her children who can get her into parties, make money for her and now, dress up in her image for Spanish Vogue. Ali isn't in school. It's well-documented that Dina pulled her out of that "exclusive celebrity" school on Long Island due to "bullying". And the day Dina is qualified--or even at HOME--to homeschool that 35, I mean 15 year old duaghter of hers, will BE the day. Oh, and Dina does have a younger son, who lives on Long Island with his grandmother and attends PUBLIC school.

Nevermind. Usher is a Douche-tard After All.

"Just kidding!!!"

The volcano, aka my HEAD continues to erupt and spew all over the place. It seems Usher turned into a wuss overnight and is taking back the statement he made about Chris Brown being an abusive a-hole. Apparently, according to Usher, Brown isn't an abusive a-hole and he wishes them "the best". EFF.

"The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved."

Pussy.

Kanye West Needs to Sit Down and Shut UP.

"C'mon Honey, let's go find O.J.!"

Previously, Kanye West said he was "devastated" and that Rihanna could be "the greatest perform in the world." This time, Kanye thinks we should all just give Chris Brown a little pat on the head and a cup of water because "everybody makes mistakes" . Hold on while I scoop the brains that just exploded out of my head.

During a taping of Vh1's Storytellers on February 13th, Kanye said to the audience, "Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life."

Kanye went on to say, "Michael Jackson, amazing. Michael Phelps, amazing. ... He's a real fuckin' person; he makes mistakes. O.J. Simpson, amazing. Is he not? What he did, when he did, what he did. Was he not amazing, though?"

Oh forget it. I can't mop up the the bloody mess from my head volcano, so I can't be held accountable for what spews from my mouth:

Kanye West is a goddamned misogynistic asshole. The one I feel badly for is Michael Phelps being lumped into the same category as O.J. (Wife and Waiter Killer) Simpson and Mr. Molester Michael Jackson. That's unfair, is what that is; but I digress.

One day, one day soon ya'll, women are gonna take to the streets. And I'll be right there with Kanye's effigy singeing my hair as I fly that fucker proudly. Ladies? Just let me know the time and place.

Goddamn these men.

Terrence Howard and T.I. are Complete Idiots for Even TALKING About Chris and Rihanna

Chris Brown, pretty in pink with

a pinky ring. I wonder if he was wearing

it when he pummelled Rihanna.

"Chris Brown allegedly has a history of assaulting Rihanna. While TMZ cites the police report where Rihanna claims she's been abused before, Us Weekly reports she had bruises on her neck as recently as December:

Brown -- who is currently being investigated by Los Angeles county prosecutors after Rihanna allegedly accused him of assaulting her the night before the Grammys -- always had a "volatile" relationship with the singer, an insider tells Us.

A Rihanna confidant adds that bruises were clearly visible on the singer's neck in early December. Alarmed, "I asked is everything was OK with her and Chris," says the pal. "She told me, 'We broke up again.' I didn't pursue the issue further."

Meanwhile, T.I. and actor Terrence Howard have retracted statements they made. Both claim had they known what Chris Brown was accused of they would've never spoken, according to E! News:

When asked by paparazzi last night if he had any comment on the Chris Brown incident with Rihanna, the actor said, "It's just life, man. Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. And Rihanna knows he loves her. She'll be all right. Just everybody's got to get out of their way." But now, Howard is insisting he didn't know about the allegations made against Brown when he made his remarks.

Terrance "Baby wipes" Howard

"When they asked me about Chris Brown the other day, I was in no way aware of what he had been accused of," Howard said in a statement. "Had I known, I would have never had said something so insensitive." Bullshit.

Howard is the second high-profile celeb in as many days to retract remarks they made about Brown and Rihanna. This is the same mofo who will dump a woman for not having baby wipes in her bathroom, because that proves just how filthy she is...he's a total whiney-ass douche.

T. "He cool" I.

Rapper T.I. issued a statement yesterday regretting (read: his P.R. machine is regretting) comments he made the night before on Last Call With Carson Daly. T.I. said he "made a mistake of commenting before understanding the situation." Yeah, because that's how T.I. speaks. Here's his eloquent summary of his conversation with Chris Brown after the attack:

Monday night on "Last Call With Carson Daly," T.I. said he has spoken with Brown since the incident happened. "I spoke to him today," Tip said. "He cool, you know. He a little concerned about the situation, but he still the same Chris." Yep. He cool.

Oh, and let's not forget this thug is on his way to jail, too, for having a MACHING GUN, among other weapons Yep. Mr. Sensitivity.

E! News also reports Chris Brown is hiding out in Vegas at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino while waiting for the district attorney's office to file charges .

To quote Christian Bale, "ohhhh goooood". He's in Vegas. Where ELSE would he go to clear his head and maybe get some professional help (other than hiring sleazy attorney Mark Geragos)?

Kanye West. Making sense for once.

Surprisingly, Kanye West proved not to be so "typical" regarding Rihanna, by not sticking up for Brown, but by offering support in this way:

"I was completely devastated by the concept of what I heard," Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest Tuesday morning (February 10) during a radio interview. West said he was so upset by the news that even affected him during his performance of "American Boy" at the Grammy Awards on Sunday.

"I was completey devastated during the performance," he said. "All I will say is it's so devastating. I feel like, just as a person, I don't care how famous she is, or even if she worked at McDonald's, that should have never happened. It should have never come to that place."

I like Kanye a little more now.

Ali Lohan? An "ExtraORDINARY Woman". I'm So SURE.

She's FIFTEEN, and oh, so ordinary.

I love how the following excerpt from photographer, Jonathan Ressler's website describing his series of whom he describes as "Extraordinary Women". I guess I'm showing my age--or standards--by expecting to see photos of women such as Michelle Obama, Oprah, Angelina Jolie, you know, EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN.

I checked out this dude's website, and although the photos are lovely, I didn't see one single woman. I saw plenty of girls...bland, uninteresting, blonde girls. At least Ali Lohan has dark hair. Maybe that makes her "extraordinary". That, combined with the fact that she's FIFTEEN but looks like a 35 year old woman. I think Ali is one the "dead horses" that I beat. Oh, and check out her platform flip-flops with the taupe gown. Awesome choice.

According to the photographer's Web site, "Extraordinary Women is the result of a long career spent working with inspiring and amazing women. From all this experience, (Ressler) has taken portraits of 50 of the most remarkable women anyone is likely to meet. Each woman stands apart: beautiful, graceful, compassionate, wise and brave; individual and unforgettable."

Continuing on, the "Extraordinary Women" snippet tells, "Shot across the world, these portraits capture the extraordinary character of each of the subjects. Some of the subjects being Poets, ballet dancers, actresses, artists, executives and teachers - these women come from all corners, each making her own mark on history."

I'm completely baffled by that last paragraph. But here we are talking about this unknown photographer and Ali Lohan. A-bloody-gain. (Thanks, Naughty Brit, Carter Magna for teaching me how to say that.)

Rod Blagojovich is a Narcissistic, Megolomaniacal Sleaze. Redundant? I Don't Think So.

You're OUT, A-Hole!

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. (AP) — Gov. Rod Blagojevich was unanimously convicted at his impeachment trial and thrown out of office Thursday, ending a nearly two-month crisis that erupted with his arrest on charges he tried to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. Blagojevich becomes the first U.S. governor in more than 20 years to be removed by impeachment.
After a four-day trial, the Illinois Senate voted 59-0 to convict him of abuse of power, automatically removing the second-term Democrat. Democratic Lt. Gov. Patrick Quinn, one of his critics, immediately became governor.

Each senator was given five minutes to speak before the 59-0 final vote on Blagojevich’s fate. Republican Sen. Dale Righter of Mattoon called him “a devious, cynical, crass and corrupt politician.”

When I've watched this a-hole during interviews or speeches wherein he's defending his actions, I feel as though I'm watching StupidTomCruise spout off about the evils of psychiatry. (You're being glib, Matt!") The impeached, shamed and now former governor of Illinois has such an incredibly pompous, arrogant and clueless manner that he doesn't seem real. On the Today Show, Blagojavich spewed the following craziness:

As he was taken from his home by federal agents on Dec. 9, Blagojevich told NBC, "I thought about Mandela, Dr. King and Gandhi and tried to put some perspective to all this and that is what I am doing now."

Blink. Blink. Yep. In his mind, we'll be celebrating RBB Day by dropping f-bombs in reverance to Robert B. Blagojavich. Eff HIM.

"Evidence? WHAT evidence??"

Oh Great. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is Breeding Again.

Screechy Hasselbeck seen here

campaigning for McCain in 2008.

She’s the annoying and well-known staunch Republican member of “The View” panel, and now Elisabeth Hasselbeck has announced she’s expecting her third child. NOOOOOO!

The 31-year-old blonde ex-Survivor contestant and her 30-year-old husband Tim will welcome their third child into the world later this year. Oh, and according to Whoopi Goldberg, "the outspoken Republican gets more death threats than any of the other women on the show."




Ya think? Our ABC affiliate for DishNetwork was dropped over a monetary dispute. I have less stress in my life now that I don't accidentally flip on The View in the morning. Hasselbeck creates such a screechy, cross-talking bitchfest, that I just cannot watch the show.

That voice. Bleh.

Miley Cyrus? Complete White-Trash Idiot. Oh, and Nice Outift.

America's Slutheart

I have a new category for the blog: Complete Idiot. Here I am again, disgusted with myself for even mentioning this chick. (No, she is NOT a "little girl", so don't even try to correct me. Little girls do not "date" (read: fornicate) 20 year old underwear models, and dress like a really inexpensive hooker, ya got that?

Nice combo, by the way. Tights from the "Courtney Love Collection" combined with Sam Edelman cobalt blue boots. And is that a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt? Awesome. Bleh.