Sunday, November 30, 2008

The hardest words for me to say: "Thank You"

This is an age-old problem for a lot of women, I think. I simply cannot say "thank you" and MEAN IT. Mostly, I just can't say it. It's always, "Ugh. I look gross--can't you see that?" or "It's nothing. Just some crap I wrote...anyone can do it". Stuff like that. I always assume people are thinking the worst about me. I really don't think the worst about other people. I try not to, anyway. (Okay, depending on who it IS, I don't think the worst! Just don't ask me about Miley Cyrus again!)

I'm struggling with the voice I hear in my head. You know, ED. (Eating Disorder for you new readers.) No matter how good I feel, no matter how much I realize I'm healthy--FINALLY--I'm not "cured". ED still tells me I'm a cow. That I eat WAY too much and need to knock it the eff OFF or I'm gonna be SORRY. He tells me none of my clothes fit--and he's right. They don't. I wear sweats all the time now. I feel badly that I don't have the courage to dress the way I used to. Or laugh the way I used to. Something's gone, and I don't know what it is yet.

I will say this...thank you...for giving me a place to write stuff like this. Even when it's not funny. There. I said it: Thank you.

Madonna is a bit unseemly

Wipe that smug look off your, um...face.

Madonna is not sexy anymore. Everyone seems to be on the same page about this, and she needs to read UP. I'm not saying she needs to stand on the stage in a Donna Karan empire-waist dress a` la Barbra Streisand, but maybe a more Catherine Deneuve look would work on her. I don't CARE if she's effing stupidA-Rod. I just don't want to see pictures like THIS...her face says it all. Bleh.

It's Official: I'm O L D.

I distinctly remember my grandfather (who is alive and still tellin' everyone what to do) calling the Beatles "those clods" when they appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show back in the day. (Google THAT, youngsters!) As in, "who are THOSE clods?" I was three years old.

I'm forever accusing my son Alex, of turning into his great-grandfather (whom we call "Poppo"). Alex stands on his porch, hands on hips with a scowl on his face, bitching about "those KIDS!" as they have the nerve to skateboard down his street. He's even called the cops on "those kids" for talking too loudly in the street after 11:00 p.m. I don't think Poppo even did that. By the way, Alex is 24 years old, has a shitload of tattoos (really scary ones, too--a bloody chainsaw with wings on his chest? How darling!), and has a shaved head. It was just a couple of years ago that he was one of those "butthole kids" with a skateboard; now he's the hardest workin' man in retail, tryin' to put food on the table for his family....just ASK him--he'll tell ya. He's referred to as an "AssMan" now. Assistant Manager. I just learned that.

MY POINT IS!! What the HELL is Miley Cyrus all about?? I swore I would never mention her on this blog...and yet, here I go. I inadvertently saw her on Dancing With the Stars on Wednesday. (The finale--the only episode I saw this season. Whatev.) I really tried to look away once she appeared onscreen, but I was rendered stiff and unable to move. Not in a good way. I've read all kinds of crap about her. I've seen her icky little phone pictures she takes of herself in the shower, in her bra and other stuff she should be sorry for, but isn't. I know she's "dating" some guy who's like, 40? Okay 20. She JUST turned 16. Granted she's not your ordinary 16 year old...I take that back. I think she IS; she just has a billion dollar bank account. I'm rambling. Here's what I saw:

I understand she wrote this song. Good for her. But there is something about her mannerisms that just creeps me out. (Here's where I sound old...) She just seems so sexually inappropriate. God, I sound pinched. Oh, and I heard there was an offer from Miley's weird Hannah Montana show for Sasha and Malia Obama to appear. It's good to know Barack and Michelle have the sense to protect those precious angels from that kind of attention. Holy CRAP I sound like an old biddy.

I think Stephen and I will go to the Senior Citizen Early Bird Dinner at Denny's tonight. Then we can come home and watch TVLand for a spell.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


xoxo Julia

Britney's performance in Germany - Madonna Homage?

Madonna looks awesome...

DW-World reports: Twenty-six-year-old Spears collected the Bambi statuette for Best International Pop Star, and performed the song "Womanizer" from her new album "Circus," at a gala ceremony hosted by the Hubert Burda Media group on Thursday, Nov. 27.
The Bambis are one of Germany's top media honors, having been awarded since 1948. A film award at the outset, today the awards go to a wide range of people in the entertainment industry as well as in politics, economics and sports.
It was both Spears' recent climb back up the pop chart ladder and her scramble out of the hole of personal crisis that impressed the awards jury.
"The pop princess is back on her throne, better than ever before," the prize jury said when announcing its decision.

Good on ya, Brit--but how come you're wearin' Madonna's sweaty Sticky and Sweet outfit?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Transporter 3 - Finally.

C'mon girls! Do you believe in love?
Annette: This is for ME, too.

I've been looking forward to the third installment of the Transporter series--and it's finally here! I wonder if anyone will care if I'm not at Thanksgiving dinner, but at the movies instead? My husband might, but my kids won't.

Twilight = Smoking weed on your front stoop

That chick from the #1 movie in the country, smoking a bowl first thing in the morning.

Here's what I know about Twilight. Nothing. Except that it's now a movie; it was a bunch of books about vampires for teenaged girls who swoon over some undead guy named Edward; and written by some mom from Utah. These girls wait in line at malls for a glimpse of this British dude (who does NOTHING for me--ick!) and also travel way up to FORKS, Washington to see where some of the movie was filmed. Really, that's all I know.

Hold on a second...I also know that this young woman, Kristin Stewart who stars in the movie (and is a horrible interview--didja see her on David Letterman?? Good God), probably shouldn't be smokin' a bowl of weed for all of the free world to witness. Man, that's just not cool. We may have ourselves a new trainwreck, ladies and gentleman.

Turkey's done!

Sarah Jessica Parker is having turkey w/bbq sauce this T'giving!

NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 25: Actress Sarah Jessica Parker and fashion designer Valentino attend the opening night celebration of the New york City Ballet at David H. Koch Theater, Lincoln Center on November 25, 2008 in New york city.

Jesus WEPT. I love how we are all supposed to feel so inferior to these nutty designers when they walk around looking like THIS. My beloved Valentino looks as though he's being basted with delicious meat drippings every two hours.

One good thing about this picture: It looks as though we can drag out the black tummy control pantyhose again. Whew. I'm sick of doing the Suri Cruise bare-legged look in the dead of winter in the Northwest. Bleh.

Oh, Amy Winehouse.

"Bloody Hospital nearly killed me!"
Amy, wearing the latest fashion statement - hospital bracelets!
Amy with the tiniest ciggie butt in British history.

Word on "the street" is that Amy simply cannot die from hard street drugs (yet, anyway). Oh, but when doctors gave her some *Naloxone (maybe?) for her OD (from crack, heroin, who knows?) the other day, it damn near killed her. I love the ridiculousness of it all--dirty crack pipes, old tin foil all around, cocaine-infused cotton candy, weed--fine. A sterilized administration of a prescription medication in a hospital given by a true-blue physician and the Coroner is on standby.


"Abrupt reversal of narcotic depression may result in nausea, vomiting, sweating, tachycardia, increased blood pressure, tremulousness, seizures and cardiac arrest In postoperative patients, larger than necessary dosage of naloxone hydrochloride may result in significant reversal of analgesia and in excitement."

Loving to do research the way I do, I found this medication listed as a possibility of one that may have been given to Amy. No proof here. Just a theory. Oh, and my "theories"? Usually right on the mark. So there.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Justin Timberlake and his BOXERS

B O X E R S !!

I said "AND" his boxers, not "IN" his boxers. I prefer THESE boxers, anyway!! Justin's cute and all, but his dogs are GORGEOUS!

Paltrow eats turkey and wears fur. The End.

Thanks, but I'll have the brown rice and lentils, Gwynnie.
"Those common Americans will never see this ad campaign!"

Oh Paltrow. You can't hide from me. I found this Tod's ad in my Italian Vogue. Notice the leather AND fur? I hate when celebrities wear the forbidden fur then blame it on the STYLIST. (Ya hear me talking to ya, Kate Winslet?) And THEN, since I subscribed to your retarded blog Poop, I mean Goop (what the hell?) I found this wonderful recipe for Thanksgiving TURKEY. Not tofu hand-molded into a turkey, but a real-live, dead turkey. I looked up "macrobiotic" in the dictionary. You know, the diet plan you're always harping about, Dumb-ass? Seems your stupid diet is "animal cruelty-free". Well, I guess YOU probably didn't slaughter that bird yourself, so you can justify it til you're blue.

Here's Paltrow's misty-eyed Thanksgiving chat:


Thanksgiving is, without a doubt, my favorite holiday. I love when everyone comes together and celebrates the idea of gratitude, something we all mean to do every day, but seem to lose sight of most of the time. I also love the cooking – the days of planning and chopping and basting. This year, I decided to work out three variations on the traditional meal: a big group, a small gathering and a cozy dinner for two.

Turkey will always be the main event of Thanksgiving (at least in my house) and a whole turkey is the way to go if you’re feeding at least 12. But if your party is smaller, the stuffed turkey breast turns out to be a great halfway point. Brining it overnight insures that you don’t need to baste it and it has a quick cooking time. Why should things be any less festive if dinner is just for two? I came up with these stuffed turkey burgers which were a giant hit in my house. They are the perfect solution for anyone who isn’t feeding a big group (or for a big group that wants to try something different!).

Mostly, make sure that no matter what type of meal you are having, you take a moment to think about how much you do have (health, love, friendship, passion, perspective, appreciation, intellect, reason, kindness) and reflect on how you can share more of it with others.


Paltrow? I don't care for you. Go share that with others.


Monday, November 24, 2008

BRITNEY!!! New Rolling Stone Cover!!

She's back, bitches!!

Brit's on the December 11 cover of Rolling Stone, out Friday, bitches. Here are some preview quotes through USA Today:

Brit feeling like an old fart: “I feel like an old person now. I do! I go to bed at, like, 9:30 every night, and I don’t go out or anything.”
Her manager Larry Rudolph on his expectations: “This is going to be the album that cements her legend status.”
Rolling Stone on getting Brit for their cover feature: “[Interviewing the star was a] rigorously micromanaged process.We were never left alone together, and my questions had to be submitted ahead of time for approval.”
Brit gets to go on dates, supervised by her assistant, Brett, and Rudolph’s colleague, Adam Leber: “Right when we got there, we just knew it was just bad. He looked like an older version of Harry Potter, but skinnier. … So I had to get dessert first. And the other date I had, the guy was really, really tall and a lot older. … We’re trying to ask him questions, like, ‘OK, you’re into martial arts, so what kind of martial arts are you into?’ And he was like, ‘Oh, all kinds.’ … But you know how silly we are, so we were just cracking up.”
On her two sons Sean and Jayden: “Every time they come to visit me, I think about how they’re such special people… [But they] are starting to learn words like ’stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Seems girlfriend hates this whole conservatorship thing with her Dad. She wants to see that slimeball Adnan again, too. Ack. I'll bet she has that pink wig hidden away in the back of her closet. NOOOOO, Britney!!!

What the goddamn hell is Beyonce wearing NOW?

Oh guuurrrrl.

Is there ever going to be a week where Beyonce` doesn't get my "What the Goddamn Hell" award? Wow. Last night's American Music Awards were so boring that I couldn't bring myself to even sit through 5 minutes of the show. If I see Kanye West bitch about losing or winning the wrong award one more time, well, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe stop singing along with Stronger or something severe like that. Oh, and Alicia Keyes pisses me off. She tries so hard to be a badass feminist with songs like Superwoman and just ends up sounding so contrived. Bleh. The new 007 theme with Alicia and Jack White is lame, too. Give me Shirley Manson or Chris Cornell any day.

Anyway. Beyonce`! You're killin' me! I betcha one of your dressers going to get a fierce hair pullin' for forgetting to squeeze you into your pants last night.

Oh boy. This is good.

Cranky Stinkfoot Suri
Cranky Dayna

This was just too good to pass up. Originally, I was gonna use the photo of Suri next to a darling Shiloh Jolie-Pitt picture, but when I found THIS?? Well. I had to post Suri in black polka dots looking bossy and crabby with Dayna (my daughter-in-law and Felix's mom), in black polka dots looking um, stern. In all fairness, I'm not the first one to compare Dayna to Suri. I'm also not the one who made up the phrase, "cold, ass sweaty stink" with regard to someone's feet...and it wasn't Suri's. Let's just leave it at that.
And no. I'm not afraid of "ramifications". They don't read "Mama's stupid blog".

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Depending on your frame of reference...

Drew Carey
Charles Nelson Reilly
> Larry "Bud" Melman from the old
Late Night With David Letterman in the 80's

Poor tortured Felix.

it's up to you which "Separated at Birth" you choose to accompany Felix!

This poor child doesn't stand a chance at a normal life.

Everyone wants to be Marilyn sometimes...

The Original
British Popstar, Leona Lewis

Yours truly, dressed as Scarlett O'Hara, posing like Marilyn!

The original Marilyn pose is a classic...Milton Greene, the famed Marilyn Monroe photographer brought the iconic ballet dress for Marilyn to pose in. It was too small, but she loved it and wore it unzipped in the back. Darling. Does anyone else have photo like this to share?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Angelina Jolie - "Scary Smart" and Scary Beautiful

Finally. A reason to post this picture.

The New York Times reports:

LOS ANGELES — When Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt negotiated with People and other celebrity magazines this summer for photos of their newborn twins and an interview, the stars were seeking more than the estimated $14 million they received from the deal. They also wanted a hefty slice of journalistic input — a promise that the winning magazine’s coverage would be positive, not merely in that instance but into the future.

“She’s scary smart,” said Bonnie Fuller, the former editor of Us Weekly and Star magazines. “But smart only takes you so far. She also has an amazing knack, perhaps more than any other star, for knowing how to shape a public image.”

While all celebrities seek to manipulate their public images to one degree or another, Ms. Jolie accomplishes it with a determination, a self-reliance and a degree of success that is particularly notable. The actress does not employ a publicist or an agent. The keys to her public image belong to her alone, although she does rely on her longtime manager, Geyer Kosinski, as a conduit.

So let me get this straight: We're supposed to be suspicious of Angie because she's wise enough to cultivate the image she wishes to project to the media? Oh, AND she doesn't have a publicist or an agent to each take at least 10% of her income to speak and/or think on her behalf? Is there a reason we should be questioning her motives? She should be applauded, not critized for being this savvy. (Oh just be quiet about Angelina being a "man-stealer". I believe BRAD had a 50% share in that transaction.) I am normally a bit of a cynic (NO!! Really?). I honestly think she and Brad are sincere in their humanitarian work and they both seem very devoted to each other and to their children.

A couple more things: Jennifer Aniston is stupid, is dating a dork and has an enormous man-chin.

Another baby that ends in "X" - Bronx Mowgli?

Pete Wentz and wife Ashlee Simpson are goons.
According to the latest reports, the musical couple are now proud parents of Bronx Mowgli Wentz, born on November 20th with a weight of 7 lbs., 11 oz., and 20 1/2 inches long.

Honestly. Bronx Mowgli? You know Fall Out Boy, Pete Wentz and his wife, um, "singer". Ashlee (sister of Jessica) Simpson spent months trying to think of a name for that child so their names would be in the press for a couple days longer than if they named him Joseph (after her dad) Peter. And it's working, people. I wonder if The Bronx was born wearing Prada sunglasses and a vintage scarf? Bleh. He'll have stupid BMW monograms coming out his nose--I mean, ears.

Your Daily Stinkfoot Suri!

Stinkfoots back!! YAY!
Oh happy day. Suri's not wearing socks today. It's approximately 25 degrees in New York City in case you're wondering. Somebody. I don't care who. Call Child Protective Services.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The rich just keep partying: Hotel Grand Opening in Dubai

Atlantis, The Palm in Dubai
Why was Wesley Snipes there? And that
is one butt-ugly suit.
Brit-pop Lily Allen looks good for a change!
Lindsay, Sam and Sam's Mom

Twenty million dollars. That's what the estimated cost of the Grand Opening of Atlantis, The Palm in Dubai is being reported. Wow. Kylie Minogue was paid almost $5 million to perform and the fireworks alone were over $6 million. I can't even wrap my head around that kind of excess. Can you?

"Atlantis, The Palm is a 1,539 room, ocean-themed destination resort located at the centre of the crescent of the man-made Palm Jumeirah in Dubai with 17 hectares of water park amusement, further marine and entertainment attractions and a collection of some of the most renowned world-class chefs.
Kylie Minogue debuted her Middle East performance and there was a show by Nawal Al Zoghbi - one of the highest selling Arab artists of all time.
Bollywood Superstar Priyanka Chopra unveiled a spectacular fireworks display, designed and executed by the Grucci's, lighting up 43 km of palm shaped shoreline and illuminating the entire island with more than 100,000 specially-designed pyrotechnic devices.
Samantha Ronson was the Dee Jay for the evening. Celebrities attending the extravaganza included Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jordan, Robert DeNiro, Janet Jackson and Dupri, Preity Zinta, Lily Allen, The Duchess of York, Agyness Deyn, Boris Becker, Petra Nemcova, Denzel Washington, Mary Kate Olsen, Mischa Barton, Bipasha Basu, John Abraham, Rani Mukerji, Gosha Kutsenko and many others from all corners of the globe."

For some reason, I think Samantha Ronson looks funny and naughty. I mean that in the nicest way possible--really!

Katie and Suri. Sigh.

Katie Holmes and her giant toddler in NYC today.

I have so many thoughts racing through my head, I just don't know where to begin. Katie's questionable outift? The fact that Stinkfoot Suri is wearing jeans and socks and an $800 Burberry coat? Hey! Where's her Little Giraffe blanky? (Okay, so I just bought one for Felix, SO WHAT??)

Katie? Just put on a little lipstick, dear.

Winona Ryder must've taken a gross of Xanax...

I know that crazy-eyed look. order to pass out yesterday on a flight to London on British Airways. The reason I know what I'm talking about, is well, I used to ingest these things like SweetTarts and M&Ms (oh, the pretty colors!). We know she's fond of the narcotics and benzos--I was, too! Good Lord. There's no WAY it was just a couple too many with this chick. When I was on the Valley of the Dolls Diet, I was dry-swallowing Clonopin, three different anti-depressants (thanks to an over-zealous shrink), fiorinal, Xanax, sucking on fentanyl lollipops (whee! 80 times stronger than morphine?? Who KNEW?) and oh, let's just stop there. No need to completely air my dirty laundry. ANYWAY, my POINT is, sistergirl had to have taken a shitload of pills. Once your body gets used to that much crap in its system, you need to take them by the handful in order to feel anything. Winona needs more than her stomach pumped. She needs someone to go through her purse and take that poison away from her and ship her off the REAL rehab.

Dupree looks like a tranny

Ashley Dupree. That dude looks like a tranny hooker.

I gonna start calling Elliot Spitzer's prostitute Manly Dudepree. Jesus, she's masculine. Look at those man-hands. S/he's only 23?? Holy crap. Oh, and nice lazy-eye. Anyway, now that dumbass Spitzer isn't being charged with squat, Dudepree is spilling the beans to Diane Sawyer about her "meetings" with the former governor of New York.

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, she says, “I’m 23 years old. I want to do music, to do fashion, to write books – there’s so many things.”
Ashley also says she had no idea who Eliot Spitzer was when she was screwing him. “Some guys, they want to have conversations and really get to know each other. With him, it clearly was not like that. It was more of a transaction. Strictly business. I was there for a purpose – not to wonder who [he] could be.”
She goes on to defend her career choice, “This wasn’t any different than going on a date with someone you barely knew and hooking up with them. The only difference is I can pay my rent.”

"Hooking up with someone you barely know" but her rent is paid..gee, I hope she starts writing children's books.

Eva SPANX it, too!

Eva Longoria gracefully exiting her car.
"What SPANX?? I don't know what you're talking about!"

Oh, Eva. The secret's out. Now get in line with the rest of us SPANX-wearers. I wonder if she forbids her husband, Tony Parker from seeing her wrestle in and out of that thing. I simply will NOT let Stephen see me in these things. Shoe-horning my blubber IN then later on releasing that same abdominousness into the wild after a big dinner out is just too horrifying for him to witness. It's bad enough that I have to see it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Christian Dior. Couture I would wear!

I would totally wear every single one of these dress.

I covet all that is Christian Dior. In another life, I worked for Dior's skincare and beaute` line and just fell in love...the colors, the aesthetic and the luxury of it all swept me away. John Galiano's 2008 Fall Couture Collection makes me swoon. Rarely do I see a runway couture collection that is so wearable. Almost every single item was stunning and something I would wear in a heartbeat. Feast your eyes! (Granted, the hair and make-up are a bit much, but it's still tremendous!) I just love how this collection is so reminiscent of Dior's "New Look" from 1947--fuller skirts, tiny cinched waistlines and floaty fabrics. Who wouldn't LOVE to wear the evening gown in the first shot? It's a cross between Glinda, the Good Witch and Scarlett O'Hara. Dreamy!

Britney's Legs

Britney receiving a VMA this past August
TUH-DAH! Brit's brand new legs!
Wouldn't it be great if we could use Photoshop to improve our looks in real life? I guess it's called plastic surgery. I'm not sure there is a procedure that lengthens and sculpts one's legs like Britney seems to have done. Suddenly she's 5'9 with a runway model's legs in the photos from her new cd Circus.

Sexiest Man Alive? Are you SURE?

Meh. I beg to differ.
Daniel Craig wearing Tom Ford.
Now THAT'S sexy.

I'm just not feeling Hugh Jackman as "The Sexiest Man Alive". At ALL. Who I am um, feeling, is Daniel Craig. I admit it: I just saw Quantum of Solace with my husband. Wow. Let me clarify, though. I'm a menswear dork. I have an extensive background working in menswear and I adore mens clothing. (Alex and my husband also have careers in the industry, so it runs in the family.) When I heard Tom Ford was dressing Daniel for QoS, I flipped right out. (We have a picture of Tom TAPED to the wall in our walk-in closet! GOONS, I tell ya.) Okay, I'm rambling aimlessly. Hugh Jackman just threw his hat in the ring for this prize because his new movie with Nicole Kidman, Australia (yawwwwn) is coming out. Honk Shooooo.

Bottom line:
Hugh Jackman = Unfashionably dull and not very sexy.
Daniel Craig + Tom Ford = Unbelieveable sexy and stylish.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Real-life "Furby" Rediscovered!

I remember waiting in line for this toy for
HOURS about 15 years ago!

OHFORPITY! reports:

"A primate species that looks like a living, breathing version of the Furby electronic toy has been found alive in the forested highlands of an Indonesian island for the first time in more than 70 years, scientists announced Tuesday...Pygmy tarsiers rank among the rarest of the many tarsier species in Asia and the Pacific — and in fact some primatologists had written them off as extinct...They have the distinctive, big-eyed look often associated with Furbys, gremlin-like talking toys that were popular in the 1990s. Compared with the robotic Furbys, however, the real animals' dimensions are seriously downsized: They typically measure less than 4 inches (105 mm) from head to tail, with most of that length being tail. They weigh less than 2 ounces. And unlike Furbys, they hardly ever vocalize."

In Veruca Salt's best demand, "Daddy, I want a pygmy tarsier NOW!"

"CAN IT, you nit!"

Louis Vuitton = Old Leather

LV's newest spokemodel
Step aside, young man.

Apparently, Madonna is receiving $10 million for appearing in the 2009 Louis Vuitton (which started making leather trunks in 1834, just prior to Madge's birth) ad campaign, replacing Keith Richards. I guess "Keef" is looking too young and vibrant these days. Unlike Madonna.

Oh, Meg.

Maybe if Meg Ryan had worn one of these...
THIS would not have happened?

She spends all that money on facelifts, Restylane and Botox but won't part with $50 bucks for a decent bra??