Chris Brown is still being a stupid douche; this time on Twitter

Dumbass Chris Brown is finding out that certain behavior might actually cost him. Here are a couple of rants from Brown's Twitter this afternoon.

via Twitter:

 

- im tired of this shit. major stores r blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the fuck do i gotta do...

- WTF... yeah i said it and i aint retracting shit

- im not biting my tongue about shit else... the industry can kiss my ass

Isn't Chris Brown just awesome, you guys? (I know you can smell the sarcasm...)

Tiger Woods? If we know about 10 mistresses, there MUST be over 100! **UPDATE** Tiger didn't use condoms. WHAT???

How'd ya get that cut, Mr. Man?

So we're up to 10 and counting, y'all. Sigh. If you're taking notes--and I know you are--here you go: 

via Extratv.com

1. Cori Rist: The New Yorker got involved with the golfer after meeting him at a club in Manhattan, according to the New York Post. Says her ex husband's girlfriend on Rist and Woods' involvement, "I am not surprised at all."

2. Mindy Lawton: The 33-year-old pancake-house waitress claimed Woods dumped her in 2007 after National Enquirer cameras caught the pair having sex in his SUV outside her trailer in April 2007. "Tiger just used me as his sex toy," Lawton told a British tabloid over the weekend.

3. Jaimee Grubs: A 24-year-old Las Vegas-based cocktail waitress who told Us Weekly she had 20 sexual encounters with Woods in about three years. The golfer left her a voicemail urging her to delete her name from her cell phone's outgoing message because his wife Elin Nordegren had found out about their affair.

4. Rachel Uchitel: One of the golfer's pals paid for a plane ticket for the 33-year-old VIP club hostess to meet Woods at an Australian golf tournament last month. Woods allegedly paid her "at least a million dollars" to keep quiet about their affair, according to the daughter of Uchitel's lawyer.

5. Kalika Moquin: Her pals have told media outlets the 27-year-old Las Vegas-based club employee is no longer involved with the father of two.

6. Jamie Jungers: The 26-year-old -- who reportedly met Woods in Vegas -- worked for Trashy Girls, a lingerie line and entertainment agency.

7. Another VIP Club Hostess: An unnamed 26-year-old from Orlando, Fla. claims to have carried on a two-year affair with the married golfer. "The woman was 20 when Tiger approached her," her lawyer told the New York Post. Now a corporate employee, "she has not come forward... out of respect for Woods."

8. British TV Broadcaster: According to the London Sun, Woods would "hook up" with this woman while in England. "His fling... was the talk of the PGA," says the paper.

9. Older woman: British reports claim Woods also had dalliances with a "sex-addicted cougar," although not much is known about her yet.

10. Holly Sampson: According to the Sun, Woods was involved with this 36-year-old porn actress, who has starred in flicks such as "OMG, Stop Tickling Me" and "Flying Solo 2." She has neither confirmed nor denied the reports."

Great. Pretty soon we'll have the "Twelve Ho's of Tiger" to sing for the holidays. 

..."FIVE COCKTAIL WAITRESSESSSSSSSS!" 

**UPDATE**

This is just idiotic...but typical. According to US Magazine Cheetah Tiger Woods wasn't in favor of using comdoms. He didn't enjoy condoms, nor did he look forward to using condoms. (Those are phrases used in our family when we LOATHE or REFUSE to do one thing or another--thanks to Tim Gunn and my sweet friend, Kimberly!) Get a load of THIS crap:


"Jaimee Grubbs -- a 24-year-old cocktail waitress who broke the news to Us Weekly that she had a 31-month affair with Tiger Woods -- says the golfer, 33, never wanted to use protection.

Apparently, he also didn't use condoms while bedding 33-year-old restaurant manager Mindy Lawton, according to Lawton's sister, Lynn. "She said he never wore condoms," Lynn told British tabloid, News of the World. "I was so worried she might catch a disease, especially as we suspected he was promiscuous."



Experts tell Usmagazine.com that not only did Woods risk his own life, but also the lives of his wife, model Elin Nordegren, and their two children, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months.

"It's self-destructive behavior," says psychotherapist Rhonda Findling, author of Don't Call That Man! "Sometimes it's just momentary stupidity, but this seems like sexual addiction."


Woods likely forgot about protecting himself because "the only thing he cared about at that moment was feeling good," says Findling."

How long before little Tiger CUBS start peeking their heads out?


 

I've stooped to an all-time low. Thanks a LOT, Tiger Woods.

 Ugh.

I'm sorry, you guys. I made a transgression by decided to post a completely Photoshopped picture of Cheetah Tiger Woods that's all over the internet. Hey, y'all might as well see it here, the way I see it.

 

via TMZ: 

"Co-workers tell TMZ on Friday -- the day of Tiger's crash -- Jaimee went to work, played the voicemail to co-workers and then later in the evening said she had received a call from a blocked number. Jaimee says she answered and asked who was on the line. Jaimee says the caller -- a woman -- did not identify herself but said, "You know who this is because you're f**king my husband."

Oh gurrrrl. 

Today's Blind Item - Dueling A-Listers Edition

"This A list movie actor recently quit a very high profile movie he was to begin shooting. There was no real reason why he suddenly decided to take a pass. Well, the reason is a pass. It turns out that the A list actor hit on the wife of his fellow A list co-star who threatened to walk out if the offender wasn't fired. Our A list lecher was allowed to quit rather than being fired."

via CDaN


Didn't a certain douche "quit" the Three Stooges film? Google it and take a guess and let me know. Heh.

What the goddamnhell is Courtney Love doing with Hugo Chavez??

"Rrrrrico. Chavez."

What???

This picture makes me sick on so many levels. Courtney crawled out of her coffin to attend crazy-face Oliver Stone's film about Taco Bell, "South of the Border". (That is what it's about, right?) And look who she ended up with--Hugo-Freakin' Chavez, that crazy dictator from Venezuela. I'm surprised the earth didn't implode.

via NY Daily News:

"Courtney Love is still floating on the charm offensive that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez launched at Wednesday's screening of Oliver Stone's new documentary, "South of the Border." The singer, who came dressed to thrill in a short zipper-front skirt, says she noticed the twice-divorced Chavez checking her out during a Q&A afterward.

"It was the third wink that sold me," Mrs. Kurt Cobain told us. "He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas!"  WHATthegoddamnhell????

I'm busy flipping through the Yellow Pages in search of the nearest vomitorium. Repeat after me: Oliver Stone. Courtney Love. Hugo Chavez.

Last one to puke is a rotten egg.

Taylor Swift discusses Kanye (aka The Asshole) on The View

Yeah, you heard right. Kanye has not reached out to Taylor herself...only to his retarded BLOG and Jay Leno....UNTIL after Taylor stated that fact. THEN he called her. 
 
via The Huffington Post:

"Representatives from "The View" say West called Swift after her appearance on Tuesday's show. During the broadcast, the 19-year-old singing sensation said West had yet to contact her to apologize for hijacking her MTV Video Music Awards acceptance speech on Sunday.

The incident caused an uproar and led West to give an emotional apology on Monday's premiere of "The Jay Leno Show."

"The View" says Swift has accepted the apology."

That dumbshit. Oh, and I love how Taylor's mom went after his ass at the VMAs right after Kanye stomped on her winning moment.

via People Magazine:

"Minutes after Kanye West stormed the stage as she accepted her Video Music Award, a teary-eyed Taylor Swift pulled herself together to perform her award-winning song, "You Belong With Me," atop a cab parked in front of Radio City Music Hall.

But West only continued the drama by angering the entire Swift family. After Swift's mother, Andrea, asked to speak to the rapper and, a source tells PEOPLE, "tore into him," the rapper continued to maintain that Beyoncé's "Single Ladies" should have won Best Female Video instead and made no formal apology."

How many other Mama Bears out there would have kicked his ever-lovin' ass after disrespecting her baby? The rage I feel toward this mofo is just crazy. 

Asshole Kanye turns into a whiney crybaby on Leno

Shut up, you big pussy.

Why didn't Leno have Taylor Swift on tonight instead? (I know, she'll be in New York instead for The View tomorrow. I'm sure Whoopi will be gracious and sympathetic toward her, but I am not sure about Sherri Shephard. She didn't have one negative word to say about Kanye's behavior, but she sure did about Joe Wilson's outburst last week during the President's speech to Congress. I'm just sayin'.)

ANYbitch. In typical man-bitch style, Kanye goes from bully to pussy in just a matter of hours. Effing crybaby.

Oh, and President Obama called Kanye a "jackass". I love it.

The Asshole (aka Kanye West) to appear on Jay Leno tonight?

 

No. Just NO.

Finally. A real opportunity for me to talk about Jay Leno. 'Round these parts (my bedroom), he's referred to as The Lowest Common Denominator of Comedy. I can't even begin to tell y'all how truly unfunny I find The Chin of Late Night (now he's on at the nursing home hour of 10:00 p.m.).
 

So. Jay thinks he's going to pull the same schtick he did with tranny and hooker-lover Hugh Grant all those years ago, but with a complete a-hole who humiliated at 19-year old Taylor Swift l last night on the MTV VMAs. (High pitched voice and wink: "What the hell were you thinking?" HAR HAR HAR.)

Stupid move, Jay. No one wants to hear this dumbshit speak in CAPS LOCK.

This douche is NOT what I want to see first thing Sunday morning.

Ick. Nast.

Goddamnit, Gosselin. Thanks for making me swear on Sunday morning. But I never, ever thought I 'd have to see your flip-flopped ass "hosting" a Vegas pool party. They seem to just dole this gatherings to just any a-hole, don't they?

Just look at this douche (read: PAID, father of 8), trying his best "sexy-face" at Wet Republic at the MG-EFFING-Grand. I don't know if I'll be able to finish licking my plate of Eggs Florentine (wiping hollandaise from my chin).

Okay. Nothing keeps me from licking hollandaise. Hush up.

Jon Gosselin grosses me OUT, man.

Ewwwwww.

Orangey McSideburn is totally making me gag. These weird and desperate women who are continually flocking around Papa Goose are making me sick too, so now I'm bedridden.

The very sight of that wife-beater slyly sticking out out of his carefully chosen douchey shirt and those goddamn sideburns...GAAAAH!! Seriously, the sideburns and the earrings get my wet, stinky goat (which I will gladly let him keep) more than anything else. Wasn't he the little dorky dad of eight kids with a screech of a wife that we sorta felt sorry for awhile back?

The "8" looked pretty miserable
back then even.

I'm doing my level best not to write too much about this a-hole. I didn't even mention how I thought Kate was TOTALLY FAKE-CRYING on the Today Show last week. (She was. I didn't see any real tears, did you?)

This whole situation is just a mess. Those 8 kids probably have it worse off right now than Michael Jackson's kids.

AGAIN? Robin Wright-Penn and Sean Penn need to sh&t or get off the pot already!

"Hey, sup? Ya holdin'?"
Oh, Sean.

OhforpitySAKE. Just DO it already. GAAAH.

Here we go again, ya'll. People Magazine is reporting that Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce against her (butthole) husband, Sean Penn ONCE AGAIN.

"Robin Wright Penn has filed for divorce from her husband Sean Penn, PEOPLE has learned.

The papers, filed in Marin County, Calif., on Aug. 12, state that "both parties have already agreed to [shared] custody" over their minor son, Hopper Jack, 16, and that "the estranged couple have already agreed to division of all property."

The reason for the split is listed as "irreconcilable differences." Wright Penn, best known for roles in "The Princess Bride" and "Forrest Gump," is not seeking spousal support."

Read between the lines, people. We all know that Sean slithered away (possibly for rehab for cocaine abuse), and backed out of the "Three Stooges" film, using the excuse of "getting his family back in order", or something like that. I don't think it "took".

I guess now he'll be able to openly snort coke with a certain orange-y, practically un-hireable young-but-really-old looking "starlet". But you didn't hear that from ME.

Two Total Douches in the Hamptons. Guess Who?

I have an idea for a new SNL skit:
"Two A-Holes in Flip-Flops at the Hamptons"

Holy shit. Does is get much douchier than these two a-holes? Of all the jerks Jon Gosselin could have found to pal around with, he picked the jerk of all jerks: Michael Lohan. Let's all have a moment of eye-rolling, shall we?

According to People Magazine, Michael has these nuggets of wisdom regarding Jon and Kate and their brood:

"He would love to be friends with her," says Lohan, the estranged father of Lindsay Lohan, who's been showing Gosselin around the Hamptons and and who has become an unlikely advisor. "They had eight kids and he would like to work things out the right way and just be friends."

"A lot of opportunities are opening up for him," Lohan says of his friend, referring to possible endorsement deals.

Lohan also says Gosselin is in a good mood these days. "He's fantastic and upbeat and said that he just wanted to concentrate on his kids and his career and his life," he said. "It's overwhelming for him but he's handling it.

As for for Gosselin's gal pal Hailey Glassman and the former Star magazine reporter Gosselin's been spotted with, Kate Major, "he's not with either one right now," Lohan reports.

"He's not concentrating on a relationship with any woman. He just wants to take a step back and deal with his family and his kids."

I'm in no mood for these two creeps. All we need are a bunch of little Gosselin girls behaving like Lindsay in about 10 years. Jesus H.

Jon Gosselin, you know--that creepy dude in the Ed Hardy t-shirt.

"Here's to Kate, because without HER,
I wouldn't be in St. Tropez with my girlfriend!"

How to spot a Complete Douche:
Hairplugs, ciggie, tarty-girlfriend and an Ed Hardy t-shirt!

Yeeesh. Ick. Nast. All that shit. I've been putting off writing this blog for two days now, but my eyeballs keep getting scorched with photos of King Douchebag Jon Gosselin in St.-freaking-Tropez, of all places. Jesus H. I'll bet his wildest dreams never even knew this place existed and now he's trotting around the South of France as if he's George Hamilton.

"Jon is meeting with Christian Audigier, one of the bigwigs of the Ed Hardy clothing line. And Hailey is there for more than just fun - we've learned she wants to launch her own line of shoes and sandals so Jon promised her a meeting with the Ed Hardy people!

Hailey is the daughter of Kate Gosselin's doctor Lawrence Glassman, who performed Kate's tummy tuck. Hailey is 22, Jon is 32. (And Kate had her tummy-tuck how long ago?? This crap has been going on for a good while, ya'll.)

Hailey was busted by cops for possession of marijuana, hashish and hashish oil in 2005 and a male friend described her as "one of the most wild women I've ever met."

On May 24 Jon and Hailey were caught slipping into the Bourbon Street bar in Nyack and were caught on surveillance tapes obtained by Radaronline enjoying drinks. As they left Jon was spooked by a photographer out front and fled through the back alley, cell phone in hand. By then, Hailey told pals, she and Jon had been secretly dating "for several months."

Honestly. How many more kids do I have to worry about now? Jon and Kate's EIGHT children and Michael Jackson's THREE children. And lest we forget, Michael Jackson was renting the Ed Hardy dude's house when he died. See how it all comes full-circle?

Joe Jackson: Monster, Money Grubber, Satan!

Mr. Inappropriate.
Hey. So THAT'S where my eyebrow
pencil ran off to--nice mustache.

BOOM. Twice in one day I am able to use the term "money grubber"!

I tell ya what, Joe Jackson is a piece of work. He's already rubbing his dirty hands together by eyeballing Michael's kids as his next paycheck. He was on "Good Morning America" this morning, seemingly preparing the world for his next big thing.

"Today in a Good Morning America interview with 79-year-old family patriarch Joe Jackson, interviewer Chris Connelly asks whether he sees any performer potential in Michael's three children. Joe's response? "I keep watching Paris, she maybe wants to do something, you know. And Blanket, he can really dance, that's what they're saying. He can really dance."

First of all, you dumbshit, YOU were left out of Michael's Will for a reason, and your wife, KATHERINE was named Guardian of those poor kids--not YOUR dumb ass.

Why isn't anyone in that family speaking up about how incredibly inappropriate Joe is behaving? Are they all still so terrified of that old man that they won't stand up to him?

Someone needs to get a restraining order again Grandpa Grubbymits and FAST. The last thing those little kids need is to be locked in the basement for 10 hours a day, while that asshole watches them rehearse--with a belt in his hand.

Today's Blind Item!!

"Which music mogul looks at himself in the mirror every morning and recites an ode to his greatness?" [NYDN]

Ummm, ALL of them? Seriously though, I think it's P.Diddy. He was so obnoxious on Twitter that I blocked his ass. Bleh.

Is Sean Penn in rehab for being an a-hole?

Do me a personal favor, you butthole.

Larry, from the Three Stooges;
the role of a lifetime for Sean

is not happening.

I think that would be the best place for him. A-hole rehab.

via WWTDD:

"A Page Six blind item last week read: “Which actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he’s actually headed to rehab.” Looks like it’s been solved today after EW reported that Sean Penn had pulled out of Cartel and The Three Stooges."

I guaran-effing-tee that Sean or his wife, Robin Wright Penn will file for divorce again before the end of the year. He'll be back snorting lines off the toilet seat with Lindsay Lohan soon enough. Ya heard it here first.

Robin? What the hell?

Today's Blind Item: Domestic Violence Edition. Ugh.

CDaN:
1 & #2 - This C list almost exclusively movie actress who has been in some important movies thought she had found true love. It sounds like true terror. In what should be her coming out party for her first real big lead role, she instead has to deal with her new B list writer/director boyfriend who loves nothing more than hitting her. Very careful not to leave a mark on her face, she nevertheless was almost in tears on the red carpet from the pain he inflicted on her the night before her big premiere this week. Despite this, she still held his hand as they walked the red carpet. Sick I know.

This COMPLETELY falls under the category of "Just Tellin' Ya What I Heard", but it's all over the internets that it's these two:

Actress Alison Lohman and director Mark Neveldine attend the premiere of the film "Drag Me To Hell" on May 12, 2009 at the Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Vince Bucci/Getty Images)

You've GOT to be kidding me. Sean Penn and Robin Wright call off divorce a-bloody-GAIN??

Uhhhh...good luhhhhck with that.

Oh, to be a fly on THAT wall. "Listen Robin. I'll try to keep my screwing around with starlets out of the media. That's ALL I can promise. What do you MEAN what's that on my nose??"

Yeeesh. My sympathies are wearing a bit thin where Robin is concerned. Is Sean really worth the trouble? According to People Magazine these two have called of their divorce proceedings for the THIRD (millionth) time.

"The Oscar-winning actor filed a request Tuesday to dismiss his legal separation case, Marin County, Calif., court records show. "This appears to imply that they're reconciling again," says L.A. divorce lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case.

"It's unlikely Sean Penn would request a dismissal for any other reason." This is the second time the actor has rescinded divorce papers. Penn, 48, and Wright Penn, 43, started divorce proceedings in December 2007 after 11 years of marriage. But they put the brakes on their divorce action four months later, in April 2008, when a court clerk dismissed the divorce petition at their request. "

Why do I feel as though I'll be reporting that these two are breaking up for the four millionth time due to coke and screwing around again? Oh, Robin. How's Rihanna supposed to learn??

Today's (Gross) Blind Item.

"Three directors. All A list. Each has had multiple #1 movies. Well I have written about them in this space before and some of their really bad behavior. This one though might even top what I wrote before. Last summer one of them took a trip to Thailand where he enjoyed the services of several women who make their living the old fashioned way. He enjoyed one of them so much that he arranged for her to get a visa so she could intern at his production company. Of course the only thing she was doing was continuing what she had been doing for him back in Thailand. Well, of course the director had to share the good news with the other two. They promptly did the same hing. After three months, they send the women back to Thailand and get brand new ones. If they did the same trick here, one of the women might spill to a tabloid, but with these women they don't have to worry about it. Or so they think." [CDaN]

This is some sort of disgusting behavior. It may be even illegal--prostitution? Human trafficking? (GASP! Hollywood a-holes involved in ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES? Whaaaa?)

My guesses: Quentin Taratino and Oliver Stone have certain, um, preferences in their women. And Brett Ratner, Michael Bay and some other sleazes could be #3.

Disgusting.

Dumbass Jamie Foxx Apologizes to Miley Cyrus on "The Tonight Show"...Psshhh, whatever.

Downlow Dumbass, Jamie Foxx decided that he has a movie to shill, so he had better apologize on the color television set for talking shit about a 16-year old Disney billionaire, named Miley Cyrus. DDJF's upcoming movie with Robert Downey, Jr. The Soloist looks like a maudlin piece of treacle and certainly doesn't need any more bad publicity than the crappy reviews that are forthcoming, so he dragged his sorry ass out to say this last night:

"I so apologize to [Cyrus], and this is sincere. I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don't mean any of it. [Big laugh from the audience]. And sometimes, as comedians, as we do, we go a little bit too far.

"I have a radio show…We're really the black Howard Stern. We go at everybody. There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn't mean it maliciously. You know I'm a comedian. You know my heart.

"Miley, I apologize, so I'll call you. I got a daughter too, so I completely understand."

"Didn't mean it maliciously." Oh. Okaaay. Recommending that a 16-year old start up with some smack and do a sex tape is always just good fun in Jamie's book, I guess. (Oh, except for his kid.) My bad.