I know why I'm crabby today. Two words: GWYNETH PALTROW.

"See you next Tuesday", Gwynnie.

This piece of crap was the first thing I saw in my inbox today. Oh, there's much more to it, but I swear to God, the pain in my left eye cannot TAKE anymore of Paltrow's blather. I'd like 30 mintues alone with this bitch to give her a lesson on THE REAL EFFING WORLD. I've never, repeat, NEVER heard or read anything more elitist, snobbish or a big, fat "I'm BETTER THAN YOU" than what spews out of that bitch's mouth. Have you seen her crappy travel/food shows with fatass (and equally snooty) Mario Batali? They make me wanna puke.

For your reading torture, here is an excerpt of what I was greeted with this morning in my email:


"As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing. And don’t forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.

Love,

Gwyneth"

That snippy, self-important tone somehow always sets my hair aflame. Oh, and I forgot to mention how much this smug bitch hates America:

"The Oscar-winning actress says she traveled to Spain as a teenager, fell in love with the country, and embraces the culture to the point that she visits at least once a year and makes sure her young children, Apple and Moses, also speak the language. (Sure they do, you idiot.)

"When I was 15, I went to a small town outside Talavera de la Reina and I had the most wonderful experience. It really changed my life," Paltrow said in fluent Spanish during a recent interview.Paltrow said Spain "became a second home.""It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she said.

This shrew seems to forget that she was raised in an extremely wealthy family, with Hollywood ties that opened every door for her boney ass. But the best thing that ever happened to Paltrow was being BRAD PITT'S girlfriend. Foolishly, she cheated on him. But, her name was made due to that relationship. Otherwise, she was just a bland blonde. She got lucky.

My favorite Paltrow movie is "Se7en" because her head ends up in a FedEx box.

There. I feel better now, but can someone tell me why I subscribe to that goddamn blog of hers???