Friday, October 31, 2008

**Update** Hunter Stroud - LIVE: GREAT SHOW!!

Hunter, performing at AFU Saturday night
Hunter Stroud, 2008's New Sensation

Hunter, Under the Bridge

Quick update, guys...Hunter's show tomorrow night is at 6:00 p.m., not 8:00 as previously mentioned. So, to all of you flying in for the show ('specially my European friends--I'm talkin' to YOU, Wrinkles!), make sure your flight is scheduled appropriately.

Oh, and Hunter's MySpace page is running now:

Please take a second to listen. He wrote the music and lyrics to all of them!

**Saturaday night after Hunter's show--he was AMAAAAZZZZZING!! Better than I've ever heard him. His voice was clear, strong and bloody gorgeous...and so was he! We are all looking SO forward to his next performance!**

"This IS my costume, A-Hole!"

GAAAAH! Maria Shriver scares me to death!
Brooke Shields

The Way She IS, Barbra Steisand

Is that a mustache I see on Drew?

Courteney Cox

Helen Hunt and her ugly sunglasses

The baby-pink lipgloss isn't enough, Jessica

Kelly Ripa is going as Madonna this year!

Renee` with her mouth full of Sour Patch Kids candies.

This one just breaks my heart...sort of. Poor Posh.

I don't want any remarks about how mean I am for posting these! It's the price they pay for looking really good some of the time.
Now, off I go to the store in my muddy black sweatpants and grey sweater with Baby Felix puke down the arm. Oh, and no make-up.


Baggin' and saggin' never looked THIS good...

Mmmmmm...Becks...(in Homer Simpson's voice)

Since when do I like boys in saggy shorts, wife-beaters and untied Adidas? Since right this second.

**UPDATE** THIS is why I don't feel too badly about making fun of Victoria, mmkay?

It's time now for the Kanye Herman Show!

Kanye Herman PeeWee West

The funny thing is, I don't think Kanye West is in a Halloween costume. He's just taken the "preppy nerd" thing as far as it will go, though.

And while we're on the subject, I love PeeWee now as much as I did back in 1983. I don't care what he did to himself in that adult theatre (what better place?); he was barely recognizeable that sad day. He should have a better career than he does...although, who didn't LOVE his "Derek Foreal" character in Blow ?

Mekka lekka hi, mekka hiney ho!!

McCain on SNL--Not Obama?

Uncle Grandpa

It sounds as though John McCain will make an appearance on tomorrow night's SNL along with Tina Fey doing her "Sarah Palin" schtick instead of Barack Obama as previously reported.

Hey, did you know you can get some awwwwwesoooome pictures of McCain simply by Google-ing "Creepy John McCain pictures"?

Mariah's Happy Sluttyween

Two slutty outfits for one Halloween...priceless.

THESE two again. Is it me, or does Nick Cannon always look like he dragged the slutty cheerleader over to the picture line at the high school school dance and he can't BELIEVE SHE SAID OKAY! He has that look in every GD picture I see of the two of them. And seriously? Does she ever NOT look like a stripper? The last time she looked clean and fresh was in the "Vision of Love" video in 1990.

When did I turn into such a lemon-faced prude?

Separated at Birth - Halloween Edition

Madonna and the mask from "Saw", but I can't tell which is which.

Yeah, Madonna you're **cough** still hot **cough**. Eeeeek, is RIGHT.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Happy Scientoloweeeeeen!

For the love of L. Ron

Oh Happy Day. I can't go ONE WEEK without beating my favorite dead horse. Katie and Stinkfoot were seen in identical dork-orange dresses in Central Park today.

As a sidebar, why do I let myself get to the point of starvation then SLAM my meal--eat waaay too much, then bitch about how full I am?? I'm so effing full, I'm sweaty.

Okay, back to the stinkiness. Do I need to tell you all "that KID isn't wearing SOCKS again??" For pity sake. Katie's all bundled and Stinkfoot has her blanky and stuffy--but no coat, no socks and LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HER! Oh, and Cyndy? Take a good look at her shoes--they're scuffed and worn, so I KNOW they stink.

I will never grow weary of this...never.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

"Chubby" is all the rage!!

Gwen Stafani and baby Zuma
Felix, in formal-wear

For BABIES, that is. If little Zuma Rossdale (Gwen and Gavin's youngest) and our Felix are any indication, the chubbier the better!! Look at those meaty arms and legs!

I've taken to calling Felix's squishy thighs "hams" and his little hands and feet "clams" (because they're always clammy!). So, there's a lot of: "We're having hams and clams for dinner!".
Oh, brother, Mim!

Really, Barack??

I loathe Mario Lopez

What, did Barack miss his opportunity to be on Dancing With the Stars? Holy crap. Mario Lopez is the luckiest hump on television. There's no other reason why he was able to snag a moment (although, fluffy as cotton candy) with Barack Obama on Extra, just days before the election. (This goon doesn't deserve his new position on the Entertainment Tonight-wannabe show, and frankly, the public doesn't deserve it either.) This almost requires an "Oh, Barack!". but I love him too much. Mario, on the other hand, is still a douche.

I'm turning into The Mother-In-Law...

Dayna's New Toy
I felt it creeping up on me just before Felix was born. Suddenly, I didn't feel like the cool, funny friend to Dayna (my daughter-in-law who is married to Alex and is Felix's mum) that I once was. We would take shopping trips this past summer to look at baby stuff, have lunch and spend most of the day being silent. It never used to be this way. Dayna and I had such an easy and relaxed manner with one another. In reality, I think I came back in February from The Eating Disorder Clinic in San Diego (yes, all capitalized due to the importance of it all), a changed woman. In fact, I think I left here being a girl (at MY age!) but I came back a woman. I felt like I wasn't much fun anymore. I felt OLD.

Last night it dawned on me what a "Mother-in-Law" I have become. I heard myself saying things to Dayna like, "well, of COURSE Felix's belly hurts. He's not consistently given one kind of formula. I always fed my babies the same kind so as not to upset their little systems". Oh God. And (in a baby voice, right in front of Dayna's back) "you don't get enough baths, you? Do you?" So he was a little sour-smelling...BIG DEAL. (A friend of mine calls that scent, "Stinky Delicious!) WHAT am I thinking? I'm turning into my ex-mother-in-law who damn near drove me to drink. I STILL get outraged when I think of the things she said and put me through...and here I am, doing the same horrible things to MY precious daughter-in-law.

What is going on here? Do I wish I could have my babies again and maybe do things differently? Am I envious of Dayna's place in the family now? Do I look at her gorgeous, tiny size 2 body right after Felix was born and feel a bit of resentment because I have stretchmarks and loose skin and she doesn't? Was I used to being "the only girl" in a house full of boys? My answer is: Sometimes.

Alex wasn't the only one who fell in love with Dayna five years ago. We ALL did. She's smart, hilarious, beautiful and very hardworking. Because of her I have a darling grandson.

Maybe my being overly self-aware isn't such a bad thing. Now, if only I could keep my pie-hole shut.

Oh, David.

David Duchovney is serious about his sex addiction.

Is this REALLY the best way to let the executives at Showtime know that you have "graduated" from your Perv School and you're really, truly not gonna try and hump everything that has a '*"jay-jay" on the set of Californication? Your life should just be this season's story-line.

*jay-jay": noun, slang. Shortened version of va-jay-jay; you know, those girly parts. I like it better.

"How To Be a Troll", by the Olsen Twins

The Lullabye League

So the Olsen Trolls were at a NYC Barnes and Noble signing copies of their coffee table book, "How To Be a Troll Under the Influence", or something like that. Check out the effing RULE BOOK devotees were given in order to be granted an audience with the elves:
1) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will be with us for a limited time. They will only be signing copies of their book, Influence. They will not be speaking, reading or taking questions.

2) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will NOT sign any memorabilia or product other than Influence. There is a limit of one book per person, and your one book must be purchased here.

3) You will be directed to pay for your book upon entering the store and will be given a receipt for your purchase. Please keep your receipt. You will receive your book at the signing table.

4) Along with your receipt, you will be given a B&N wristband, and then directed to the event space on the 4th floor. You must have a receipt and a wristband to access the 4th floor.

5) Anyone approaching the signing table must have paid for the book and be wearing a B&N wristband. One person, one wristband, one book. They MEAN it, goddamnit.

6) You will collect your signed book at the signing table. If you have paid for any additional copies, a staff member will provide you with those before you exit the space.

7) There is no photography allowed. You must put away your camera or cell phone before approaching the signing table. The authors will not pose for photos. Because Keebler Elves don't show up in pictures, much like vampires.

8) If you leave, or the authors leave, before you are able to collect a signed book, you may present your receipt to a cashier for either an unsigned book or a refund. (Refunds only issued within 14 days of receipt.)

9) There will be no extra signed copies available after the authors leave the store. They will not be able to sign for anyone who is not on line. No pre-orders.
10.) No questions about Mary Kate's involvement with Heath Ledger's death.

Okay, I made that last one up. Just who do these chimps think they ARE?

So WHAT if I secretly hope I get this book for Christmas?!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

These two need to sh*% or get off the pot

Bleh. THOSE two again.

Oh, but wait. John and Jen like smokin' their weed too much to get off "the pot", now don't they? I truly believe this is going to fizzle out just like it did before. He's too young and horny AND he loves the paparazzi. She hates the paps and certainly isn't too young. And honestly? This picture kinda creeps me out. I think it was style guru, Tim Gunn who said Tansiton dresses like she's "desperate". In that tiny, short black tank dress and oh, so cool hip-belt, she does look like she's saying, "LOVE ME!!!", don't you think?

I feel like I'm being super-critical, and I suppose I am. All I know is my contact lenses feel like they have kitty litter in them, I have baby puke on my Obama t-shirt from Felix and James the Boxer is snoring as loud as any old dude in a nursing home. Yep. That's all I know today.

Hunter Stroud - LIVE

Shameless nepotism and plugging of the talented Hunter Stroud

My handsome son, Hunter is performing at the AFU (Artists for Freedom and Unity) Hall this Saturday evening at 8:00 p.m.

Hunter is a self-taught singer/songwriter and guitarist who has been performing since age 13. Along with music Hunter has been modeling since the age of 12 and had a significant part in the 2007 independent film Cthulhu, which was filmed on location in Seattle and Astoria, Oregon. (

Please click on the link above to view Hunter's Myspace page, which showcases his singing and songwriting. Thanks for endulging me.

Hunter--Mum loves you so much.

Mena Suvari Turns 60 Today!

Wig, courtesy of the Raquel Welch Collection
Mena, as the femme fatale high schooler in Amercian Beauty, back in 1969
I know it was 1999, but it's the only way I can help her justify that hair. That get-up. That pose.

Matt's a Dork

Smile, girls!

What the hell is Matt Damon doing? What does it have to do with Barack Obama and why all the Italian Greyhounds in tight little turtleneck sweaters? I wonder if George Clooney would do something this stupid.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Admit it. We're ALL scared of this happening.

No picture with this one kids. I'm not gonna do it.

A plot to assassinate Barack Obama and as many as 88 others by two neo-nazi skinheads has been broken up by law enforcement in Tennessee.

Let me rephrase that. Two dim-witted hillbillies with swastika tattoos and a shitload of illegal firearms were all set to massacre a huge population of a mostly african-american southern school--oh, and kill the black presidential candidate while they were at it, whilst wearing white tuxedos and top hats. Let me guess...all set to a soundtrack by Linkin Park or Marilyn Manson? They claim they would have died happily along with their victims and make History with a Capital H.

As disgusting (and cliche`) as this all sounds, I guaran-effing-tee it that I'm not the only one who is scared that someday this may play out in a very real and similar fashion. Our country will be forever divided and I'm not even kidding.


MSN reports:

"Chicago police said the body of a black male child was found shortly after 7 a.m. in the rear seat of an SUV. It was later confirmed to be that of Julian King."

...just sickening.

Dear God. Help Us All.

Professor Paris

Oh dear Lord. Sir Richard Branson is taking reservations for his first trip to SPACE via his fancy Virgin rocketship. Looky who signed up! I am positive Paris Hilton means every word of this, as reported to Starpulse:

Paris is reportedly a little apprehensive about the trip.

“I’m very scared to do it,” she says. “What if I don’t come back? With the whole light-years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I’ll be like, ‘Great. Now I have to start all over.’”


It's All. About. Patrick.

Pretentious Patrick
As if I ever doubted the fact, it is indeed All. About. Patrick.
The third of about 28 phone calls throughout my day from my dearest friend consisted of the following conversation I was privileged to overhear between Patrick and an unknown caller on his other phone:
Patrick: Hello? Uh huh. Oh. Wow. (This sounds serious, I think to myself.)
30 second pause (I'm getting worried. I'm sure the Patrick is going to say, "Wasn't anyone HOME with Mom when she fell out of her wheelchair?" or "I never even knew he was SICK." But no.
Patrick: Well. (The dreaded flat tone of voice....)
Patrick: Do they have any bearclaws then. (NOT a question. A flat-out STATEMENT. Bearclaws???? WTF???)
Patrick: I really wanted a goddamn apple turnover. Those IDIOTS.
Oh, Patrick.

The Leotarded Girls.

Treetrunk legs Rhianna
Daisy Lowe, the daughter Gavin Rossdale doesn't wanna talk about

It appears we're all supposed to dress like The Rockettes now. Rhianna, who almost NEVER wears a skirt or pants with her Danskin, is now wearing fishnets, 7" heels and bowler hat at the beach. We also have Daisy Lowe, who we only really know as the child Gavin Rossdale doesn't acknowledge wearing what looks to be missing a fluffy tail, ears and whiskers drawn on in eyeliner. (Maybe running around in this get-up will warrant a phone call from dad?)
I'm occasionally as trendy as the next gal, just not this time.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

They're clearly not faking it.

Michelle and Barack Obama. Soul-mates.

I love the photo above. There's no way on God's green earth, you can fake this kind of love between two people. I have been looking at picture and picture of these two. I can't find a single shot where one cannot actually feel the warmth between them. I like to think I'm an amateur professor of body language. You can tell when things just don't feel right. This feels right..

What do you think?

Nicole = Perfection

Nicole Richie, looking STUNNING
Nicole Richie was a complete goddess at the 30th Anniversary Carousel of Hope Benefit last night at the Beverly Hills Hilton. I don't care what anyone says, I love her. She's funny, and yes SMART, self-depricating and loud. I can't get enough of her. There. I said it.

Lara Flynn Boyle--What HAPPENED?

Lara Flynn Boyle
90's Dream Girls from Twin Peaks
Lara Flynn Boyle, Sherilyn Fenn, Madchen Amick (l-r)

I absolutely fell in Girl-Love with all three of these girls when Twin Peaks aired back in the early 90's. Sherilyn Fenn and Madchen Amick (middle and right) aged nicely or had good docs, which is why I didn't post current photos of them. Lara Flynn Boyle, though? I am going to refer to this picture whenever I think I want to visit Dr. Cole, my new plastic surgeon. (I say that like we're close and personal, when in fact, I've seen him ONCE for Botox.) Poor LFB. All those years of crap movies and being Jack Nicholson's moll have taken their toll. Let that be a lesson, ladies. Bad boys and bad decisions will wear a sister OUT.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

What the Goddamn Hell is Elizabeth Hurley Wearing?

Does anyone have a babywipe?

What is THIS? Hurley looking just plain awful? Liz, you're trying WAY too hard. Seriously. You're not 25 anymore--none of us are. We can't fit into our Versace gowns any more than you can, but that doesn't mean we have to start shopping at J.C. Penney, now does it? Wow. Looks like a baby's bottom sticking out of that thing.

I get Chloe Sevigny and Leelee Sobieski mixed up.

Chloe, right?
LeeLee? Is that you?

Obscure and random much? I know. They're both always the quirky chick in quirky movies and in real life neither one of them can dress for shit. Remember Chloe in Party Monster and American Psycho? Oh yeah, and LeeLee was the one in the dreadful, Eyes Wide Shut, with Stinkfoot's Dad, but I thought it was Chloe and it turned out it was LeeLee. Are you following me? But I realize, too, that LeeLee looks like a young Helen Hunt, but other times she brings out the horseface and looks like Chloe again. Oh, girls!

Urban Dictionary

Dumbass and Fatass


Word used to describe Jennifer Lopez' husband, Marc Anthony. Marc Anthony's nickname. Word used to describe a boney, skinny ass, ugly faced person.
1:"Hey, isn't that Marc Anthony on TV?" 2:"Yeah, that's Skeletor, J-Ho's man."

This little piece started out as my bitching about Jennifer (Don't Call Me J-Lo) Lopez and all of her trannyness. But man, did I come across an awesome website, Who KNEW there really is a word for Marc Anthony so perfectly defines him? They forgot to list "controlling dumbass Puerto Rican", though. Maybe in the abridged editon?
I'll come back to J. (I'll Call Her Whatever I Want) Lo later.

Horrible and Violent

Jennifer Hudson and Mom

I pick and choose what I mention on this blog. Usually I try to keep it somewhat light and humorous. There is NOTHING remotely funny about what occurred in Chicago yesterday. Jennifer Hudson, the former American Idol finalist and Oscar winner is dealing with the horrific murder of her beloved mother and brother. Authorities have arrested William Balfour, Jennifer's sister, Julia's ex-husband in the slayings. To make it all even more harrowing, Balfour refuses to cooperate with police regarding the whereabouts of Julian King, the son of Julia Hudson. It seems this all transpired due to "disagreement about a car". No, it happened because Balfour appears to be a vicious thug who allegedly swore to kill members of Julia's family.

"According to the Illinois Department of Corrections, Balfour, 27, is on parole. He spent nearly seven years in prison for attempted murder, vehicular hijacking and possessing a stolen vehicle."
For the sake of that little boy, I hope this piece of garbage starts talking.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Stinkfoot's Dad Burns Matt Lauer at Friar's Club Roast

"Matt, just let me grab your ass, like so..."
Flaming queer and nutty Scientolgist, Tom Cruise desperately tried to show a room full of truly funny people that he kinda has a sense of humor by participating in the Friar's Roast of The Today Show's Matt Lauer. How can we forget that cringey interview wherein Tom called Matt "glib" for daring to question Tom's non-belief in psychotropic drugs? Man, that was sweet. Then Tom proceeded to drag poor Brooke Shields into it because she admitted to taking anti-depressants for postpartum depression? No amount of joking will ever erase that piece of solid gold television history. He tried though.

Tom Cruise took to the stage, joking that “Matt and I talk two, three, four times a day,” before commenting to Lauer, “You’re the one who told me to talk about Katie Holmes on Oprah! Before leaving the stage, Tom Cruise joked, “I can’t believe I flew all the way out here…lose my number, you glib putz.”
Matt Lauer got in last jab, however, saying “Why don’t you sit down? We’ll get you a booster seat!”

Heh. Good one, Matt.

That KID isnt wearing socks again!

Stinky-Feet Suri

At the risk of sounding like "Brody" in Kevin Smith's classic Mall Rats, that kid is stinking up NYC again with her sweaty feet. Not to mention Katie is bundled up for the crisp fall day and Suri's running around with bare legs, bare arms and no socks, AGAIN. I'm going to beat this dead horse every chance I get.

Calling Paloma Picasso--Please.

Donatella Versace and daughter, Allegra
Does my osteo make me look fat?
I'm the last person who should be pointing fingers about Allegra Versace's appearance. This 20 year old Brown University student, who is also the daughter of Donatella Versace, is publicly struggling with anorexia.
I'm full of mixed emotions when I see this young woman. It's a cross between, "Honey. I KNOW." and "Jesus H. Christ. Get some help or you are going to die." I believe she knows how sick she is. It would all be so easy to say, "Well, YOU try growing up in that world of size minus zero models, a weird mom and endure the loss of a beloved uncle (Gianni Versace) who was brutally murdered." I'm sure it's not as simple as that. Sometimes it's more than a "control" issue--especially when it's this extreme.
Donatella reported to People magazine that:
"She is receiving the best medical care possible to help overcome this illness and is responding well.
Is walking the red carpet with Mom part of the "best medical care"? "Dahleeeeeng. Have a proteeeein shake."
Donatella, take good care of your daughter. The thing is, though, it needs to come from within Allegra that she WANTS to get healthy. No one can do it for her.