Oh, HI Gwyneth! I effing HATE you, or hadn't you heard??

Let ME show you how to stuff
that chicken, you SNIP.

God DAMN IT. I hate Paltrow...the loathing is actually palpable in my brain. I mean I actually feel it. It's a dull, hot, thudding sensation.

First off, let me start off by saying I've had a hell of a day. Stephen, my darling husband had chest pains. Scary ones. (Because there are sweet chest pains? Maybe there are...like "love pains", but I'm not staying on task here..) So, yeah. The Emergency Room. The Trauma Room. The staff did an EKG, blood work and a stress test and sent Stephen on his way. I'm not convinced. He had chest pains, man--chest pains, pressure and pain down his LEFT arm. "Sure, Stephen...you're just fine. Run along home, now." What???? I've turned into the Mama Bear I was with my boys, but now with my husband. So now I'm watching everything. His pallor. His mood. His appetite. His...EVERYTHING. Again. I am not convinced. I think an ultra-sound was in order. God, do I have to do EVERYTHING for those doctors??

NOW can you see why I'm so effing irritated to see Paltrow's DROOP (that's what I'm calling it, since everyone else calls it POOP--I'd rather call it C U Next Tuesday, but it doesn't rhyme with GOOP) blog in my inbox?? MotherEFF. Between her grating voice and her no-bra and stupidly (thanks Barack!) fitting grey shirt, I'm going to need the fire extinguisher for my hair again.

In the tender words of Trent Reznor:

Cross my heart and hope to die;
but the needle's already in my eye.

Only Trent seems to understand my pain....

"...a chicken!" "Fast food!" "Par boil!" Hey, Dumbass...I keep hoping that red string is blood and that you've cut yourself with your snooty KITCHEN SHEARS! I just may have an aneurysm if I don't shut up about her...but WAIT. I must post her little note to us regarding some summer reading:

As I prepare to have some August downtime, I’m dying to get my summer reading list in order. I’ve asked some friends for their best summer reads – to help narrow down the plethora of great novels. There is something for everyone here.

Love,

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas A classic, which I hear is steamy.

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner Must get through another Faulkner this summer.

If ONLY, Paltrow. If ONLY.

Oh, and Paltrow's FRIENDS' picks...get this shit:

"Ellen Silverman is a brilliant, warm, and intellectual New York City mother who also happens to be one of the world’s best food photographers."

The description of this woman makes me angry just reading it.

The Josephine Bonaparte Trilogy: The Many Lives and Secret Sorrows of Josephine B., Tales of Passion, Tales of Woe and The Last Great Dance on Earth by Sandra Gulland Once you start reading this trilogy you will not be able to put it down. You become so immersed in the life of Josephine Bonaparte that you feel as if you are there with her. The books are written in diary format and trace her life from her birth in the islands through the French Revolution – chronicling not only her life before, during and after Bonaparte, but providing rich solid historical information and beautiful detail regarding fashion, culture and society during her lifetime.

Oh dear Lord. I have to stop this insanity...because I WILL go insane--and take ALL OF YOU WITH ME!!!