Stinkfoot Suri is a little hot mess. You KNOW Tom dressed her....

Poor Stinkfoot.

We can all tell by the smug look on Tom Cruise-y's face that he dressed Suri from his goody closet. And Katie's pissed. Stinkfoot Suri even fits into Tommy Girl's shoes now...but he should've consulted with Tim Gunn or Christian Siriano about this get-up. Polka-dotted shoes and Tom's Oscar gown? It's a bit of a hot mess, and over-accessorized. The earrings need to go back in the closet. 

Make your own jokes.

 

Yet another scary picture of Miss Tom Cruise and Stinkfoot

Tom Cruise scares the living daylights out of me.

Here's our favorite Scientolo-nut with his daughter, Suri (I'm assuming she's not wearing tights or socks with her heels, but I don't have photographic proof), having a treat at Modern Pastry in NYC...a-bloody-gain.  I think they feed this child pastries for all three meals.

Does it appear Cruise-y had more plastic surgery, or is it just me?

Hey! Two Angelina Jolie posts in one day! Trailer to "Salt"!

Remember that StupidTomCruise was originally going to play the role of "Salt"? It's my understanding that the producers didn't have to change a single thing in the script once he dropped out, giving the role to Angelina Jolie...including the hair coloring and lingerie scenes! I kid...I kid.

Not really.

Angelina looks tremendous -- but I always say that about her, don't I?

Nicole Kidman actually looks GOOD in this ONE PARTICULAR PHOTO with Sunday Rose. Hurry and LOOK!

Pretty girls in NYC

Quick. Take a good look at Nicole. She really looks pretty here. Gorgeous hair, face in repose. Yeah, she looked scary at the CMAs last week--jumbo lips and implants that looked like grapefruit halves, but I love this picture of her, and as you know, I cannot wait to see her (and all the other divas in NINE).

I just still have a soft spot for Nicole having put up with the freakish, bully midget she was married to for 10 years. God. How did she endure such misery? I blame ScientoloTom for Nicole and her body issues. Just because.

                      S C A R Y

I blame Cruise-y for pretty much anything I can, come to think of it--the rain in Seattle, the fact that my hair takes too long to fully dry, a random headache, my gas tank being on empty...TOM CRUISE'S FAULT. 

Tom and Katie have become a Northwest Lesbian Power Couple! YAY!

"I think R.E.I. is down this way, Babe."

Back before Cruise-y had the 

chub-chub sucked out.

(That sounds nasty...)

Where are Katie Holmes' parents? Are they locked in The (Scientology) Hole? Have their neighbors not noticed they are missing? Tom and "Kate" now look like so many lesbian couples up here in Seattle, shopping for a new kayak. Not that there's anything wrong with that...I'm just sayin'.

Exactly how many years has Katie aged since she sold her soul to Xenu? It's horrifying. Nicole Kidman has never looked worse, either. Maybe it's Tommy Girl's evil plan to turn as many beautiful women into homely, gray, plastic surgery patients who are mere shells of themselves, because dude, it's happening.

Let's look into this.

Hey, y'all. It's a Tom Cruise post--and I'm in "Headquarters" - aka San Francisco!

Awwwwww. What a pretty little thing.

 

 GAAAAH! What a scary little thing!

I have no real purpose behind this post, other than I'm in San Francisco waiting for the connecting flight back to Seattle from Santa Barbara, and I thought of these two hilarious picture of Cruise-y. 

Jaaaayzus. What the goddamnHELL is going on in that top one from days of yore? ("Days of yore"??? Good Lawd.)

Stinkfoot Suri Cruise is getting on my last nerve.

Really? Stinkfoot drinks Pelligrino??

 

Get.That.Germ-ridden.Child.OFF.THE.GD.COUNTER!

Ya know what? There are a MILLION other things I should be writing about at this hour. But, no. I have to get a glimpse of this spoiled rotten child who is seriously setting my hair on fire.

I let it GO this week when I heard Suri Cruise has a wardrobe worth THREE MILLION DOLLARS. Oh, you heard me. If a designer doesn't happen to even have a children's collection, Tom and DeadEye Katie will MAKE them have a children's collection. Oh, yes they will. So this 3-year old brat in the making (oh YOU want to say the SAME THING, don't lie), is wearing Burberry, Prada, Chanel, and tiny Christian Louboutin shoes.

Why do I feel like Tom loves these little dresses every bit as much as Katie loves spending the money for said dresses? We know why.

All I know is, Stinkfoot is now drinking Pellegrino water WHILE STILL BEING EFFING CARRIED BY HER PARENTS. 

Goddamnit. I'm so mad right now, you don't even KNOW. 

 

Breaking News: Stinkfoot Suri walks; Daddy Tom Cruise's pants are too tight!

Stinkfoot clearly borrowed Dad's

Cherry Chapstick 

 

Ummmm...gawd, Tom

What the goddamnhell is Tom Cruise wearing? I'd say a padded bra, first of all. Let's discuss the skinny jeans he clearly bought Forever Hoochie 21 in the Petite's Department.  I didn't know that Nike made old-school hightops with lifts, did you?

And it seems Stinkfoot is now able to walk on her own...and she's running for it. 

RUN SURI, RUN!!  

Today's Blind Item - You Will Squeal!!

OH. MY. GOD.

"The attorneys have finally hammered out an agreement! We're finally getting close to the announcement of a split of this couple. Have you noticed how few photos there have been of them together lately? Half this couple is on a project that requires travel. The other half joins them fairly frequently, but it's really just for the sake of the children. They both have outside relationships. He has a new - albeit temporary - boy toy that his boyfriend is not too happy about. She has an extra man in her life but is afraid to be seen with him before the announcement. No need to feel bad for her, though. She will be doing a happy dance soon enough. Dance, girl, dance!" [BlindGossip]

The only word missing here is: STINKFOOT.

Squeeeeeeeallll!!!!

Suddenly Katie Holmes is Old.

Katie (Deadeye) Holmes and that tiny idiot,

Okay. Not suddenly, but holyLord she look like an ol' biddy! First StupidTom Cruise insisted she dress like a 12 year old boy,now he's dressing her up like his mum! Nice grandmother-of-the-bride emsemble. Wow. Here she is with that little goon at the premiere of Star Trek last night in Hollywood. Yeeeesh.

Doesn't anyone care about Katie at all? Obviously she is a miserable cow...a sulky moo, if you will. (Wink.)

I think we should band together to help dear Katie escape. Who's in?

Today's Blind Item: Follow-Up!!

"This celebrity couple's pre-nuptial agreement required the wife to stay in the relationship for a certain amount of time. However, the Stepford Wife's law firm has decided that it may be difficult to impossible for the husband to enforce this. It seems that the wife knows much more than she should about the husband's long-time and very personal relationship with another high-profile man. She is using that knowledge to get her sentence reduced and to to gain custody over the couple's kid/s.

It's still not Nicole Kidman." [BlindGossip]

Holy shit. This is the second blind item about this couple. It's sounding more and more like Tom and Katie--and she has been looking really miserable and dowdy lately. YOUR thoughts? And who might the other "high-profile man" be--Will Scientolo-Smith?

Today's Blind Item!!

NY Daily News Blind Item
Which seemingly straight married actor conducts his man-to-man hanky-panky in the hangar of the Santa Monica Airport?

Hmmmm...can you think of two suspected married/possibly gay Scientolodorks--who own (if not fly) their own plane? I can.

Suri is SO Over It.

"I'm DONE with all of this crap."

Since The Church of Scientology (aka CO$) claims that children are just little grown-ups (I know, I don't get it either...something about being alive for zillions of years and coming back as another grinning idiot), I think Suri is just about to spill the beans about how annoying these two are. And I can't WAIT.

I see Suri is wearing tights and her bangs are growing out. What's that all about?

Cinderella and Stinkfoot Suri!

GAAAAH! The Stinkfeet are loose!
The lines for the Cruise-y Exhibit
are ENDLESS.

Tom Cruise, Official Human Zoo Paparazzi

Hey! It looks like Disney World has turned into a "human zoo" of sorts. The Cruise-y family was on display (E-ticket, please) for the commoners to view behind iron gates.

"The toddler, who has become something of a fashionista despite her tender years, looked adorable in a blue ball gown and bare feet (STINKFOOT-HAZMAT ALERT!) and was all smiles during the trip which was a Valentines day surprise for her and her mother from film star Tom.

Who KNEW there were signs for this??

Katie opted for a more casual look for the occasion and was sporting a striped top and jeans."

Could Tom be any more of a dork? He should have closed down the theme-park like any other decent celebrity would do. This little narcissist-in-training that he's raising is gonna be a mess when she realizes she's just a photo-op for a sham of a marriage.

Did I say that out loud? Oh.

Tom Cruise Is Dressing Gayer Everyday and Katie Looks Like She Wants to Die.

When will Katie be rescued??

If Katie Holmes isn't pregnant, she's just plain miserable. And if she is pregnant, she's even more miserable. Now I realize I'll get some eyerolls when I say I'm quoting the anti-Scientology website, Why We Protest (www.whyweprotest.net) who is quoting The Enquirer, BUT, let's remember they have been right more often than not lately. (The John Edwards scandal, anyone? Patrick Swayze's cancer? The Enquirer had 'em first.) So. Read on, ya'll.

"As much as Tom loves her now, Katie believes that if she left him, he'd make it difficult for her to see their daughter Suri," an insider told The ENQUIRER. "She's already seen how that would play out - because after Tom and Nicole Kidman divorced, he pretty much took control of their two children."With divorce out of the question, the once happy-go-lucky Dawson's Creek star seems to have lost her vivaciousness despite living in luxury, continued the insider."Katie has everything money can buy - beautiful clothes, multimillion-dollar homes, first-class travel and endless creature comforts. But it's all under Tom's watchful eye," said the insider."Before Tom, she always had loads of friends and loved to go out. Now she must feel like she's living Tom's life, not her own. All of her so-called 'pals' are actually Tom's friends - Will Smith and his wife Jada, and David and Victoria Beckham."And it is as if she's always being monitored by Tom's family members, Scientology minders and bodyguards."

The Cruises paraded their daughter Stinkfoot Suri around at a beach located on the residential area of a Brazilian military base in Rio de Janeiro, where "she mixed with children of military staff". SURE, she did.

Nice mesh shirt, Queerbait.

Oh! Speaking of Queerbait--PATRICK is arriving today!!!

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes LOVE Plastic Surgery! Oh, and Tom Dreamed of Moscow as a Child! Yeeeesh.

Captain Scientology at the Moscow premiere of "Valkyrie"
Tom, pre-"tightening"?

Katie with her famous pinched half-smile
Katie, pre-"Cruise-iness"

Cosmetic surgery website http://www.makemeheal.com/ reports these interesting tidbits regarding Tom and Katie:

"As Tom Cruise ages he seems to grow younger with each year. After his latest film Valkyrie hit theatres and he and wife Katie Holmes hit the red carpet, Make Me Heal noticed that the Top Gun star looked more refreshed than he had in years, leading us to suspect plastic surgery.

In the past, Make Me Heal has noted changes in the size and shape of 46-year old Tom’s nose.

Plastic surgeon Dr. John Di Saia says, “I’ve seen images of him as a younger man. He seems to have had a nose or two.”

Since meeting Cruise, 28-year old Holmes has transformed into a striking, sophisticated Hollywood leading lady, a far cry from her wholesome, girl-next-door look of Dawson’s Creek. Holmes has blossomed into a pretty woman and her new nasal addition makes her look more mature. Dr. Youn adds “Her nose looks more sleek now, and this makes her look more mature, more adult. I do think her old nose fits with her face well, making her look like a “Midwest girl-next-door” type. The newer nose makes her look more “Hollywood.”

Katie Holmes’ new look has caused gossip folk to buzz about other possible procedures in the mix, including cheek implants and a brow lift. "

HA! I knew it!

Now can we address Tom's "childhood dream of visiting Moscow"? Let me get this straight (**cough cough**). Are we to believe that this weird kid, raised by a divorced mom and sister Lee Ann, was up in his room plotting to kill an already dead Hilter while working on an itinerary to Russia? Oh. Okaay. What a goon.

Please refer to my post earlier in the month regarding Tom, G.I. Joe and Barbie's ("Barb's") man, Ken. I stand by those statements.

Tom Cruise to Stop "Being Tom Cruise"...

"Call the poliiiiiiiiice!", whispers Katie Holmes

in order to re-capture female fanbase.

according to Star:
- No talking about Scientology.

- No wearing sunglasses on the red carpet.

- No showing up to premieres in fancy cars.- Appear on women-friendly shows like The View. "It's all very calculated."

- No man-handling the Katie. At least in public. "Tom needs to quit grabbing her arm and pulling her around. The idea is to make him the kinder, gentler Tom, not a controlling husband with a Stepford wife."

Yeah, because we're all idiots and will fall for this crap.

I just cannot get over how blissful and luminous "Kate" looks these days, how 'bout you?

Bleh.

Tom Cruise - "As a Child, I Dreamed of Killing Hitler"...Awwwwww, How DARLING!

Now eyepatches are all the rage!

“I always wanted to kill Hitler, I hated him,” Cruise, 46, said. “As a child studying history and looking at documents (seriously, what KIND of documents are we talking about here, Tom?), I wondered, ‘why didn’t someone stand up and try to stop it?’ When I read the script, it was entertaining and informative to know what the challenges were and what it was like to be in the environment.”

Oh, Tom. Do you really expect us to believe that as a child you used to daydream of "killing Hitler"? It's as if you want credit for his death simply by saying you wish you could have killed him. Huh?

You just want us to forget about how in reality as a child you ,G.I. Joe and Ken had "innocent" sleep-overs while you referred to Barbie as "Barb", made her cut her hair off and get super-skinny and...oh. Wait.

Nevermind.

GAAAHH! Stinkfoot on the Loose!

Do not TOUCH the Stinkfoot!

You just KNOW it's one of "those smells" that you can's wash off. A good soak in boiling bleach may work, though.

Here's Stinkfoot with her mom and dad again in NYC as they parade her around the Theatre District.

As a sidebar here, I've been researching Scientology. The good, the horrific--all of it. Let me just say this: If Suri's as strong-headed as she appears, I am praying to Xenu that in 15 years, she'll spill it ALL. (Picture me rubbing my hands together.) Oh, and I'm not done with this subject. I'm sure you all know what sparked my fascination. I'm just giving it a little while before I really go for the jugular. Know'msayin'?

Tom Cruise is SUCH a Girl!

A haggard Katie and a bronzed and toned Tom

with Stinkfoot in NYC

This must be written in PINK. Good God, listen to what Tom-I'm-STRAIGHT-I-Swear! Cruise had to say about marriage and his wife "Kate". (WHY does he always change his wife's name? First Nicole Kidman became "Nic" and now "Kate". I think he likes the butchier sound of these endearments.)

"... in a recent interview with The Sun, Tom spoke about how well things are going with his family, saying, “Married life is very good, very lovely. I feel lucky to have Kate as my wife. She’s an extraordinary woman. She is funny and smart and she likes the same things that I do.” Um. God forbid she has an interest of her own!

“She’s a very strong, gracious woman, and a great comedian. I like doing romantic things, such as bringing flowers and surprising her with things. I love candlelit evenings with nice music, “ Cruise adds. " Where are the quiet walks on the beach? Is this an ad for E-Scientology, I mean, E-Harmony?

Tom Cruise totally sounds like a queer trying to sound straight. Oh, and you should all realize by now that I have it on very good authority that what I am insinuating is probably true.