Cruz Beckham, being all aggro and can't be arsed, while flashing gang signs!

OY! West Side, love.
The Beckham lads at The Grove

Daddy Beckham thought it would be a sweet idea to take his young lads to The Grove (a big, fancy shopping mall) in L.A. yesterday. I can understand wanting to go out with the kids...how-bloody-EVER. Of COURSE you're going to have a cranky time, filled with paps, fans and Lord knows what else, Becks. You. Are. David. Beckham.

Get a clue, Sweetie Darling.

I actually think Cruz looks crabby because he found out he was named after Cruise-y. Ewww. Do you blame him?

Suddenly Katie Holmes is Old.

Katie (Deadeye) Holmes and that tiny idiot,

Okay. Not suddenly, but holyLord she look like an ol' biddy! First StupidTom Cruise insisted she dress like a 12 year old boy,now he's dressing her up like his mum! Nice grandmother-of-the-bride emsemble. Wow. Here she is with that little goon at the premiere of Star Trek last night in Hollywood. Yeeeesh.

Doesn't anyone care about Katie at all? Obviously she is a miserable cow...a sulky moo, if you will. (Wink.)

I think we should band together to help dear Katie escape. Who's in?

Today's Blind Item: Follow-Up!!

"This celebrity couple's pre-nuptial agreement required the wife to stay in the relationship for a certain amount of time. However, the Stepford Wife's law firm has decided that it may be difficult to impossible for the husband to enforce this. It seems that the wife knows much more than she should about the husband's long-time and very personal relationship with another high-profile man. She is using that knowledge to get her sentence reduced and to to gain custody over the couple's kid/s.

It's still not Nicole Kidman." [BlindGossip]

Holy shit. This is the second blind item about this couple. It's sounding more and more like Tom and Katie--and she has been looking really miserable and dowdy lately. YOUR thoughts? And who might the other "high-profile man" be--Will Scientolo-Smith?

Suri is SO Over It.

"I'm DONE with all of this crap."

Since The Church of Scientology (aka CO$) claims that children are just little grown-ups (I know, I don't get it either...something about being alive for zillions of years and coming back as another grinning idiot), I think Suri is just about to spill the beans about how annoying these two are. And I can't WAIT.

I see Suri is wearing tights and her bangs are growing out. What's that all about?

Cinderella and Stinkfoot Suri!

GAAAAH! The Stinkfeet are loose!
The lines for the Cruise-y Exhibit
are ENDLESS.

Tom Cruise, Official Human Zoo Paparazzi

Hey! It looks like Disney World has turned into a "human zoo" of sorts. The Cruise-y family was on display (E-ticket, please) for the commoners to view behind iron gates.

"The toddler, who has become something of a fashionista despite her tender years, looked adorable in a blue ball gown and bare feet (STINKFOOT-HAZMAT ALERT!) and was all smiles during the trip which was a Valentines day surprise for her and her mother from film star Tom.

Who KNEW there were signs for this??

Katie opted for a more casual look for the occasion and was sporting a striped top and jeans."

Could Tom be any more of a dork? He should have closed down the theme-park like any other decent celebrity would do. This little narcissist-in-training that he's raising is gonna be a mess when she realizes she's just a photo-op for a sham of a marriage.

Did I say that out loud? Oh.

Would YOU Let This Man Live in Milan Alone? Beckhams are Gonna Leave L.A. for GOOD.

"You're not going ANYWHERE without me.

Nice try though, love."

The
LA Times reports:
"Milan will do everything to have Beckham even after March. It is clear that it's our wish to have him until the end of the season [May 31] or on a permanent deal."The Galaxy has insisted that Beckham must return by March 9 for the beginning of the Major League Soccer season, and Galliani admitted that the MLS club is fully within its rights in doing so."There's always a hope, but contracts should be honored," he said. "If the Galaxy wants to talk, we would be very happy to try. But . . . they are in the right. Beckham must return to America on March 9. Let's wait."

Seriously though. With those weird-ass Cruises out of the country, now's the time for a quick escape from the clutches of Xenu. RUN, David, RUN!!

Tom Cruise Is Dressing Gayer Everyday and Katie Looks Like She Wants to Die.

When will Katie be rescued??

If Katie Holmes isn't pregnant, she's just plain miserable. And if she is pregnant, she's even more miserable. Now I realize I'll get some eyerolls when I say I'm quoting the anti-Scientology website, Why We Protest (www.whyweprotest.net) who is quoting The Enquirer, BUT, let's remember they have been right more often than not lately. (The John Edwards scandal, anyone? Patrick Swayze's cancer? The Enquirer had 'em first.) So. Read on, ya'll.

"As much as Tom loves her now, Katie believes that if she left him, he'd make it difficult for her to see their daughter Suri," an insider told The ENQUIRER. "She's already seen how that would play out - because after Tom and Nicole Kidman divorced, he pretty much took control of their two children."With divorce out of the question, the once happy-go-lucky Dawson's Creek star seems to have lost her vivaciousness despite living in luxury, continued the insider."Katie has everything money can buy - beautiful clothes, multimillion-dollar homes, first-class travel and endless creature comforts. But it's all under Tom's watchful eye," said the insider."Before Tom, she always had loads of friends and loved to go out. Now she must feel like she's living Tom's life, not her own. All of her so-called 'pals' are actually Tom's friends - Will Smith and his wife Jada, and David and Victoria Beckham."And it is as if she's always being monitored by Tom's family members, Scientology minders and bodyguards."

The Cruises paraded their daughter Stinkfoot Suri around at a beach located on the residential area of a Brazilian military base in Rio de Janeiro, where "she mixed with children of military staff". SURE, she did.

Nice mesh shirt, Queerbait.

Oh! Speaking of Queerbait--PATRICK is arriving today!!!

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes LOVE Plastic Surgery! Oh, and Tom Dreamed of Moscow as a Child! Yeeeesh.

Captain Scientology at the Moscow premiere of "Valkyrie"
Tom, pre-"tightening"?

Katie with her famous pinched half-smile
Katie, pre-"Cruise-iness"

Cosmetic surgery website http://www.makemeheal.com/ reports these interesting tidbits regarding Tom and Katie:

"As Tom Cruise ages he seems to grow younger with each year. After his latest film Valkyrie hit theatres and he and wife Katie Holmes hit the red carpet, Make Me Heal noticed that the Top Gun star looked more refreshed than he had in years, leading us to suspect plastic surgery.

In the past, Make Me Heal has noted changes in the size and shape of 46-year old Tom’s nose.

Plastic surgeon Dr. John Di Saia says, “I’ve seen images of him as a younger man. He seems to have had a nose or two.”

Since meeting Cruise, 28-year old Holmes has transformed into a striking, sophisticated Hollywood leading lady, a far cry from her wholesome, girl-next-door look of Dawson’s Creek. Holmes has blossomed into a pretty woman and her new nasal addition makes her look more mature. Dr. Youn adds “Her nose looks more sleek now, and this makes her look more mature, more adult. I do think her old nose fits with her face well, making her look like a “Midwest girl-next-door” type. The newer nose makes her look more “Hollywood.”

Katie Holmes’ new look has caused gossip folk to buzz about other possible procedures in the mix, including cheek implants and a brow lift. "

HA! I knew it!

Now can we address Tom's "childhood dream of visiting Moscow"? Let me get this straight (**cough cough**). Are we to believe that this weird kid, raised by a divorced mom and sister Lee Ann, was up in his room plotting to kill an already dead Hilter while working on an itinerary to Russia? Oh. Okaay. What a goon.

Please refer to my post earlier in the month regarding Tom, G.I. Joe and Barbie's ("Barb's") man, Ken. I stand by those statements.

Tom Cruise to Stop "Being Tom Cruise"...

"Call the poliiiiiiiiice!", whispers Katie Holmes

in order to re-capture female fanbase.

according to Star:
- No talking about Scientology.

- No wearing sunglasses on the red carpet.

- No showing up to premieres in fancy cars.- Appear on women-friendly shows like The View. "It's all very calculated."

- No man-handling the Katie. At least in public. "Tom needs to quit grabbing her arm and pulling her around. The idea is to make him the kinder, gentler Tom, not a controlling husband with a Stepford wife."

Yeah, because we're all idiots and will fall for this crap.

I just cannot get over how blissful and luminous "Kate" looks these days, how 'bout you?

Bleh.

Tom Cruise - "As a Child, I Dreamed of Killing Hitler"...Awwwwww, How DARLING!

Now eyepatches are all the rage!

“I always wanted to kill Hitler, I hated him,” Cruise, 46, said. “As a child studying history and looking at documents (seriously, what KIND of documents are we talking about here, Tom?), I wondered, ‘why didn’t someone stand up and try to stop it?’ When I read the script, it was entertaining and informative to know what the challenges were and what it was like to be in the environment.”

Oh, Tom. Do you really expect us to believe that as a child you used to daydream of "killing Hitler"? It's as if you want credit for his death simply by saying you wish you could have killed him. Huh?

You just want us to forget about how in reality as a child you ,G.I. Joe and Ken had "innocent" sleep-overs while you referred to Barbie as "Barb", made her cut her hair off and get super-skinny and...oh. Wait.

Nevermind.

GAAAHH! Stinkfoot on the Loose!

Do not TOUCH the Stinkfoot!

You just KNOW it's one of "those smells" that you can's wash off. A good soak in boiling bleach may work, though.

Here's Stinkfoot with her mom and dad again in NYC as they parade her around the Theatre District.

As a sidebar here, I've been researching Scientology. The good, the horrific--all of it. Let me just say this: If Suri's as strong-headed as she appears, I am praying to Xenu that in 15 years, she'll spill it ALL. (Picture me rubbing my hands together.) Oh, and I'm not done with this subject. I'm sure you all know what sparked my fascination. I'm just giving it a little while before I really go for the jugular. Know'msayin'?

Tom Cruise is SUCH a Girl!

A haggard Katie and a bronzed and toned Tom

with Stinkfoot in NYC

This must be written in PINK. Good God, listen to what Tom-I'm-STRAIGHT-I-Swear! Cruise had to say about marriage and his wife "Kate". (WHY does he always change his wife's name? First Nicole Kidman became "Nic" and now "Kate". I think he likes the butchier sound of these endearments.)

"... in a recent interview with The Sun, Tom spoke about how well things are going with his family, saying, “Married life is very good, very lovely. I feel lucky to have Kate as my wife. She’s an extraordinary woman. She is funny and smart and she likes the same things that I do.” Um. God forbid she has an interest of her own!

“She’s a very strong, gracious woman, and a great comedian. I like doing romantic things, such as bringing flowers and surprising her with things. I love candlelit evenings with nice music, “ Cruise adds. " Where are the quiet walks on the beach? Is this an ad for E-Scientology, I mean, E-Harmony?

Tom Cruise totally sounds like a queer trying to sound straight. Oh, and you should all realize by now that I have it on very good authority that what I am insinuating is probably true.

Katie Holmes Looks Worn-OUT.

OUCH.
"I need a nap, dude."

Well, her bag and coat are pretty at least.

"Katie Holmes bundles up and walks out of her apartment to below freezing temperatures with her favorite green Balenciaga handbag in tow in New York City on Monday.
The 30-year-old actress just celebrated her birthday last week!

All My Sons, starring Katie Holmes, John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest closes Jan. 11. Also on Jan. 11, Tom Cruise is nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Tropic Thunder at the Golden Globes, creating a scheduling conflict for the couple.
Katie’s decided to stay and her do last show,” Ina Treciokas, Katie’s rep tells Fox News. “She won’t be going with Tom to the Globes. The cast of All My Sons has been like a family and they want to end it together.”

Now, this is kinda off-subject here, but I'm just curious...do Scientologists actually believe in the true meaning of Christmas? I'm not being (totally) mean--I'm just wondering. And how does Xenu enter into it all? And can she ask Santa/Xenu for a cold-sore-free year in 2009? The poor dear--that thing looks like it HURTS.

Katie looks whooped, man. I thought she was just having a bad day, but wow, there are waaay too many pictures of her looking rough lately. Yep, I love her bag and her white coat, but I can't quit looking at her puffy eyes and skin pallor. I think she needs some real quality time with her family--and by "family", I mean her mom and dad in Ohio. "Project Rescue Katie Before 2009"!

A TRIPLE Separated at Birth!

That A-Hole Illinois Gov. Blagojevich
That A-Hole Scientologist, Tom Cruise
That awesome actor, Josh Brolin,
as Dan White in Milk

Can you even BELIEVE how arrogant Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was today during his press conference?? Holy crap. It was all the reporters could do not to laugh right at him as he professed his innocence--even WITH his foul-mouthed audio tapes for all the world to hear. It was like an SNL skit all over again. What a complete and utter a-hole.

Then there was my favorite (read: LEAST favorite) Scientologist this week, who completely ignored his son, Conner's premiere in Will (I'm NOT a Scientologist!) Smith's new film, "Seven Pounds". Stinkfoot's dad was too busy promoting himself to be bothered with one of his OTHER kids. He also had to showboat onstage after Katie's Broadway performance to sing Happy Birthday to her (30!) along with Stinkfoot and the cast from Kate's show. Conner's gonna be really pissed someday, probably sooner than later.

Josh Brolin is having quite the couple of years! Last year, it was No Country for Old Men, this year it's W and Milk--both of which he's getting critical raves and award nominations. If anyone can beat Heath Ledger, it'll be Josh Brolin. You heard it here first? Maybe ninth, I don't know.

Nicole Kidman and Hugh-my-wife-says-I'm-not-gay-Jackman

Are the gay rumors true?

(Hugh, not Nicole...but that would be funny!)

Nicole Kidman and Australia co-star Hugh Jackman hold hands and smile during the live broadcast of the German TV show “Wetten, dass” at the Messe Stuttgart in Stuttgart, Germany on Sunday.

These two are still promoting the crap out of that crap movie, Australia . Honk shooooo. But, Nicole looks REALLY pretty here. I love her dress, her hair and her shoes. I also love the way she looks a little less like an alien--but I suppose there's always some residual Tom Cruisey-ness left over sometimes. Hopefully, she'll be able to shed the Scientology-lizard hex entirely over time.

Hugh Jackman still does nothing for me.

Tom Cruise is "Heightening"

LOOK at those lifts he's wearing!
Mickey, from Seinfeld, who "heightens"
to keep his acting job. Hmmm.

Kramer, convincing Mickey to wear lifts

KRAMER: Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.
MICKEY: Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done.
KRAMER: You wanna keep your job don't you?
MICKEY: Ya but..(Kramer interrupts him)
KRAMER: YAH! No Buts
MICKEY: Kramer(Kramer interrupts again)
KRAMER: (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!

Make up your own joke or conclusion to this post.

Suri uses a sippy cup now...

Tom. It's COLD outside. Children need coats!

...for her Scientology-infused sweetened barley juice swill! Yumyum! But her dad still carries her around like a newborn right out of the hospital.

Also, WHY is Tom Cruise one of Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People? I'm really only fascinated by the barley juice and the stinkfoot situation. I pray he talks about THAT. Oh, and why he doesn't use a German accent in his Nazi movie, Valkarie. Does anyone else think it's weird that he's the only one without an accent? What the hell? Meryl Streep never would've taken that route, I betcha dollars to doughnuts on that one.

StupidTomCruise

Ick. Ick. ick. I hate EvilTomCruse. There are so many things that irritate me about this picture I don't know where to begin, Oh wait. I'll start with his effing shoes. This could go under the category of "What the Goddamn Hell is He Wearing?" but this needs its own spot in the archives. And SURI! Jesus--does she EVER wear socks?? I don't wanna be around when she airs out the cold-ass sweaty stink of her clammy little feet, do you? I can smell the vinegar and corn chips from here.

Then there's the ever-present Little Giraffe's blanky. We KNOW you buy them by the gross, dude, but seriously? She's in the GD 7th grade now! Leave it back at the spaceship!

And why is he just parading her around? One day...and sooner than we might think, she's gonna kill him in his sleep.