I'm sick of the Tiger Woods Updates, but...here we go.

Elin and Tiger when things were awesome

Really, Tiger?

 

via TMZ.com (again, y'all...)

"Sources tell TMZ the Florida Highway Patrol is now focusing on obtaining a search warrant -- allowing them to seize medical records from the hospital that treated Tiger Woods -- in an attempt to determine if the wounds Woods sustained are consistent with a car accident or domestic violence.

One big piece of evidence showing probable cause ... sources tell us Tiger's wife, Elin Nordegren told FHP troopers she went looking for Tiger in a golf cart, came upon the accident and then used a golf club to break the window to gain entry.

That's a very different story from what she first told Windemere cops shortly after the accident -- she never mentioned a golf cart. Nordegren told Windemere police she had walked out of her house, saw the crash, went back inside to get a golf club and returned to the vehicle."

Blah, blah, blah. 

What we have here is a case of money and power buying time. Ladies? If this had been you or me, we would be cooling our heels in a jail cell more than likely. 

Tiger's taking the blame for all of it, so the ugly stuff doesn't come out.

I'm getting tired of this story. 

Just in case you've missed the freakout over Adam Lambert's AMA performance Sunday night...

 

 

 

So. Here are some photos from Adam Lambert's performance last night on the AMAs. 

The biggest reaction I felt during Adam's entire song was, "Wow. Someone's trying waaaay too hard." I don't remember the song itself. I only remember Adam stalking around the stage waving his arms around, Britney-style, while pretending to be tough and sexy. I didn't fall for it one bit. 

Now, Miss Adam is going on the record whining about "discrimination" and "women have been pushing the envelope on stage for years", presumably pointing to Madonna. Adam? You. Are. Not. Madonna. Nor, are you Lady Gaga. 

I'm bored.

Rihanna's "Russian Roulette" Sneak Peak

Wow, guurrl.

I really wanted to love this new single of Rihanna's, but I don't. I think it's dull, a bit off-key (I mean, pitchy!). Y'all can listen to it here: http://www.rihannanow.com/, but then you have to come back and tell us all what you think.

As for the cover? She's trying way too hard to be edgy, cool, threatening  and badass. We all know that's rubber barbed wire, sister. Come ON.
 

2009 Emmy Winners, Losers and Borers ...

The darling and hilarious

Neil Patrick Harris, host of the 2009 Emmy Awards

The biggest winner of the evening was Neil Patrick Harris, the hilarious and talented host of the 2009 Emmy Awards. He was seriously laugh-out-loud funny. Can ever awards show please have NPH as the host? I promise, we would never grow weary of that darling man.

Okay. "30 Rock", "30 Rock" and "30 Rock". Honk shoo. I'm OFFICIALLY starting the backlash of that show here and now. I know, Tina Fey was great on SNL. I just don't love her on "30 Rock". I don't expect one single person to agree with me, and I'm not going to try to convince y'all, either. I'm just sayin'...and I'm sayin' it FIRST.

Justin Timberlake won an Emmy for Best Guest Actor in a Comedy for SNL, and deservedly so. Lorne Michaels needs to hire his fine and funny ass for at least a season. Know'msayin'?

Justin Timberlake

Here's the short-list of Emmy winners:

• Outstanding Comedy Series: “30 Rock”, NBC
• Outstanding Drama Series: “Mad Men”, AMC
• Reality-Competition Program: “The Amazing Race,” CBS
• Actor, Comedy Series: Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock,” NBC
• Actress, Comedy Series: Toni Collette, “United States of Tara,” Showtime
• Supporting Actor, Drama Series: Michael Emerson, “Lost,” ABC
• Supporting Actress, Drama Series: Cherry Jones, “24,” Fox
• Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men,” CBS
• Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Kristin Chenoweth, “Pushing Daisies,” ABC

For a full list of the 2009 Emmy winners, please check out the official Emmy website here.

Olivia Wilde from "House" 

Chandra Wilson from "Gray's Anatomy"

"Project Runway's" Heidi Klum 

VERY pregnant andvery lovely

The hilarious Ricky Gervais

Jessica Lange, for "Grey Gardens"

Alec Baldwin, Best Actor in a Comedy winner,

thanking Lorne Michaels

My personal favorite, Julia Louis Dreyfus

(who should have won Best Actress in a Comedy--hmmph)

and Amy Poehler

Aside from Neil Patrick Harris, the show itself was pretty darn dull. Did you guys watch? Favorite dresses? Suit? Winners? Losers?

Sigh.

....snore.....OH! "Love Happens"....snore....

Every time the commercial for this piece of crap movie, with Chiniston invades my precious sanctuary of a bedroom, I scream. Holy shit. Can anyone please write a screenplay that isn't ordinary and a big fat cliche`?

If you have the stamina (I didn't), here's the synopsis for this bit of maudlin treacle: 

via IMDB:

"Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston star in the romantic drama Love Happens. When a self-help author arrives in Seattle to teach a sold-out seminar, he unexpectedly meets the one person who might finally be able to help him help himself. Dr. Burke Ryan (Eckhart) is on the precipice of a major multimedia deal, but the therapist who asks his patients to openly confront their pain is secretly unable to take his own advice. Eloise Chandler (CHANDLER?? GET IT?? FRIENDS? CHANDLER??? Oh, Jesus.)  (Aniston) has sworn off men and decided to focus on her floral business. However, when she meets Burke at the hotel where hes speaking, there is an instant attraction. But will two people who have met the right person at exactly the wrong time be able to give love another chance? As each struggles with the hurt of love and loss, they realize that in order to move forward, they need to let go of the past. And if they can, theyll find that, sometimes, love happens when you least expect it."

I guess if screenwriters didn't pump out this kind of gaggy sweet fluff, that woman who can't keep a boyfriend wouldn't have any work at all.

Rihanna in Vogue Italia (Kinda NSFW)

Rihanna - Vogua Italia covergirl

Photo: Steven Klein for Vogue
WHOA! I was not expecting that!

Like, wow. (Where have I heard that before?)

Here we have our girl, Rihanna, showing quite a bit of skin thanks to THE fashion photographer, Steven Klein.

Weird timing, what with all that nasty Chris Brown crap this week.

Tell me. How do we feel about this pictures?

New "Dancing With the Stars" Line-up Revealed

GAAAAH! Kelly Osborne

Kathy Ireland with her K-Mart lamps

Dallas Cowboy, Michael Irvin - SURPRISE!

Mya

Donny Osmond - SNORT!

Actress, Debi Mazar

Macy (Drunky von Retardstein) Gray

Iron Chef's, Mark Dacascos

"BATTLE BUNIONS!"

Here we go, ya'll...it's time for "Dancing With the Don't-You-Know-Who-I-Used-to-BE?" line-up. I don't think I watched more than two episodes last season. Who even won? That's just how involved I am with this show now.

Sigh. Here's the list of has-beens/athletes. (OH--I just remembered...that "little person" from the Olympics won, right?)

- Former Sabrina The Teenage Witch actress Melissa Joan Hart (I remember her from "Clarissa Explains it All" on Nickelodeon, not "Sabrina".)
- Rock royalty Kelly Osbourne EEEEEK!! F-Bomb alert!!
- Recovering (?) addict Aaron Carter
- Singer Mya from "Chicago"
- Ultimate Fighting Champion Chuck Liddell
- Professional snowboarder Louie Vito
- Former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin
- Six-time gold medalist for swimming Natalie Coughlin
- Actress Debi Mazar (Love her.)
- Iron Chef Dude Mark Dacascos
- Swimsuit model Joanna Krupa (who?)
- The son of George Hamilton and Alana Stewart, Ashley Hamilton (Shannen Doherty's ex, remember?)
- Donny Osmond (Ugh, wasn't she already ON? Oh.)
- Tom DeLay (I'm at a loss for this one.)
- Former supermodel and K-Mart enthusiast Kathy Ireland
- Former singer Macy Gray (Big, Drunk Retard!)

I just cannot get enthused about this crap.

And the Photoshop Award goes to: BARBRA STREISAND. **UPDATE**

I KNOW. I can't believe
I'm writing about this, either.

Here's the thing, though. Barbara is 66 years old. I didn't look at her FACE first. I looked at her HAND. Now, that is some Photoshop ART, ya'll. Take a good, hard look at that flawless, porcelain-smooth paw. Wow. Seriously, someone needs a "Technical Grammy Award" when Barbra undoubtedly wins a few for her new cd, "Love is the Answer" next fall. (Because the Grammys are a snooze-fest. GET IT??)

Here's a description of Barbra's cd straight from her own website!

"Rounding out the album's smoky after-hours ambience with his sublime orchestrations is the legendary songwriter ("The Shadow of Your Smile") and Grammy-winning arranger Johnny Mandel (who worked with Streisand on her 1993 Back to Broadway album and arranged/co-produced Krall's 1998 Grammy-winning When I Look In Your Eyes)."

"Smoky after-hours ambience". (Notice that her website spelled ambiance incorrectly? Hilarious. Someone's gonna get their eyes scratched out, then their ass fired. Bitch doesn't PLAY.)

ANYgay. The only "smoky after-hours ambiance" I've experienced is when Patrick dragged my raggedy ass to an after-hours rave (are there any other kind?) in Seattle several years ago. I don't think it's what Barbra's referring to...unless she's got monotonous techno hidden tracks somewhere on the cd.

Oh...if ONLY.

**Update** HAHAHAHAAAA! I just realized why her website people spelled "ambiance" wrong...because they spelled it like AMBIEN!! I bet they knew exactly what they were doing!

Well done.

"American Idol" Update - Victoria Beckham arrives for Denver audition

The always over-dressed (and under-fed)
Victoria Beckham in Denver for A.I. auditions

Oh, Paula.

I haven't been giving moment-by-moment coverage of the Paula Abdul vs. American Idol crap that's been going on all week because I'm not that interested. BUT, I will say this: (I may catch hell from some of you), but Paula drove me out of my ever-lovin' mind with her blather. My husband will vouch for the fact that I would scream at the TV when she slurred, rambled and gushed inappropriately. Oh Lord, and that dancing of hers while the contestants are performing. "Somebody make her SIT THE EFF DOWN!", I would wail each and every week.

Oh, and all those ridiculous online petitions to "save Paula" are embarrassing.

So. The news of Victoria Beckham filling in for Drunky McDrool makes me giddy. I'm one of the few who will admit to loving Vicks. I think she's funny...really funny. I don't think she takes her persona all that seriously, and actually just plays it up, if you will.

The Mirror.com reports:

"She's thrilled to be joining American Idol - but don't expect Victoria Beckham to swap that pout for a smile.

Days after we revealed that Posh was going to step into Paula Abdul's Louboutins on the hit reality talent show, she has called to tell us about her judging style.

Victoria, 35, tells us: "I am beyond excited. When I heard, I just couldn't believe it.

"I feel like I've got the best job that there is. I'm just so happy and I can't wait. I was in bed on Wednesday when I got the text from Simon Fuller saying: 'You're going to Denver'."

When she arrived at a downtown Denver hotel yesterday before the first round of auditions, scores of onlookers crowded around taking photos.

She said: "I'm a big fan of the show - I come to the shows with the kids and David loves it. I'm just so grateful to be given such a fantastic opportunity.

"I'm still grinning from ear to ear.

I'll try hard to pout and not shatter the illusion I'm a moody cow...(aka "a sulky moo") but I don't know if I can!" Any contestants expecting a hard time from the Spice Girl-turnedclothes designer can breathe a sigh of relief.

Victoria reveals she's no Simon Cowell and insists she'll be "nice" to contestants.

She told 3am: "I know how it feels to be stood there and judged - and how it can feel when nerves get the better of you."

There are also reports of Katy Perry the Novelty Act showing up as a guest judge as well. Honk shoooooo.

I'm probably going to be sorry for asking, but what are your thoughts on the Paula vs. American Idol situation?

LeAnn Rimes Gets What She Deserves.

LeAnn with her giant cheating feet. Wow.

I recognize this dude, but now it's for
the wrong reasons.

Apparently LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have still been secretly seeing each other which has finally resulted in his wife Brandy Glanville leaving him. Us Weekly reports:

"Eddie and I have decided to take some time apart," says Glanville, 36, mother of Mason, 6, and Jake, 2. "I want to do what is best for our children. Eddie and LeAnn [Rimes] deserve each other."
According to Us Weekly, the final straw came after Cibrian, 36, and Rimes, 26, were caught again together in the early afternoon of July 17 -- four months after Usmagazine.com broke the news of their affair -- outside the Malibu home of Jeff Berger, a longtime friend of the singer and her [GAY!!] husband, Dean Sheremet. (News of Cibrian having another affair -- with 24-year-old model Scheana Marie Jancan -- also broke earlier this same month.)

I know. Nobody cares.

Ryan Reynolds is The Green Lantern. Big Whoop.

Oooooh...a LANTERN!

Okay, I don't get it. Sue me.

Eh, I 'spose there are those folks who are interested in such matters as to whom would be cast as The Green Lantern, I'm just not one of them. The only superhero I give a shit about is Batman. I'll watch The Dark Knight over and over til I'm blue, all because of Heath Ledger's Joker, of course.

So yeah, Mr. Scarlett Johansson (Reynolds) won out over some hotter dudes, if you ask me: Justin Timberlake, Bradley Cooper and (swoon) Jared Leto.

I will say though, I laugh every time I see the commercial for that chick flick Ryan's in with Sandra Bullock, when he yells, "WHY ARE YOU WET?". It just strikes me as hilarious every time.

Britney Spears Has a New Video. Yaaawwn.

radar from windowwaves on Vimeo.

Oh good Lord. Check this crap out, ya'll, and feel free to watch it the way I did: squinting, with the sound on mute.

I wanna see a show of hands that believe for one second Britney could ever mingle with the fancy Horsey Club folks. Remember that picture I posted of her wearing the white pumps and black nylons? This is what came of that hot trailer trash mess.

Poor Brit. She just doesn't get it.

Bruce and Emma in W Magazine. Brad, Angelina and David and Victoria Did it Better.

Yawwwwn.

Contrived.

Big whoop.

If there is such a notion as "boringly gross", Bruce Willis and his new child bride, Emma have defined it with their photo spread in July's W Magazine.

I'm sure you all recall David and Victoria Beckham doing their own "romantic" layout in the same magazine a couple of years ago, with the iconic British couple in a sweaty, seedy motel in the desert, taking them completely out of their "posh" element.

Then Brad and Angelina did their own photographic layout for W soon after releasing "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". Both of these photo essays told a story, particularly Brad and Angie's. Their story was of a seemingly "perfect" couple's life, complete with triplet boys--but the fictional relationship was any but perfect or normal. It was beautifully photographed with a dark, emotional tension.

This photo says so much more than
a rubber suit and a stainless steel table ever could.

Bruce and Emma's spread in W is a mainstream cliche`...rubber suit? Check. Scary clown? Check. Dominating woman in mask forcing "sex" on helpless old dude? Check.

Good God, people. Come up with something original. Bruce is feeling his age, but is fighting it with a VERY young wife and forcing pictures like these on the public.

Steven Klein photographed all three of these couples for W Magazine. I've seen his work in European magazines and it tends to be quite sexually extreme, but never dull. I'm just disappointed in the Bruce and Emma shoot. It feels like Bruce probably had a bigger hand in the photos than Steven. For a really great article about Steven Klein in the New York Times archives, click here:

http://nymag.com/nymetro/shopping/fashion/features/n_10371/

Wow. I am completely lacking a sense of humor in this post. See what those photos have done? Blaaaaah.

Salma Hayek Gets a REAL Wedding

Salma and that rich French dude

LOS ANGELES (AP) — "Salma Hayek and her husband have tied the knot — again.

Hayek spokeswoman Jillian Fowkes said Sunday in Los Angeles that the Mexican-born actress and French magnate Francois-Henri Pinault renewed their wedding vows Saturday in a ceremony at Venice's La Fenice opera house.

Hayek and Pinault originally were married in a small civil ceremony in Paris last Valentine's Day.

This time, the couple made it a weekend-long celebration, starting with a cocktail party at Punta della Dogana, an art museum owned by the groom's father, Francois Pinault.

Among those attending were actresses Charlize Theron, Penelope Cruz and Ashley Judd, plus U2 frontman Bono and Vogue editor Anna Wintour, as well as former French President Jacques Chirac."

Yaaaawn. What I really want are the details. I want to know why Salma left Rich French Dude about a year ago. What was that all about? What brought them back together? What's their pre-nup like?

Odd, yet nice (?) that Salma's ex-boyfriend,

Ed Norton was invited.

"Penna Lope" Cruz
Is that really Ashley Judd??

Paul Hewson, aka Bono

Oh, and BONO? You better be thinking good and hard about Mel Gibson's eff-ups right about now, or else you, too, will lose one-half of your fortune to your lovely wife. I have a feeling YOU are up to the no good, just like Mel.

You've been warned.

Dorky John Mayer Breaks Up With Dorky Aniston AGAIN...YAAAWWWWNN...

D O R K S

Ugh...these two again. Does anyone even care--besides the eternal childless spinster Aniston--that dorky Mayer broke up with her ass again?


"Celebrity insiders tell E! gossip columnist Marc Malkin that Jenn and John are officially dunzo after therock star booted Friends actress, for the second time in their 12-month romance, shortly after she returned to Hollywood following her European promotional tour the hit film Marley & Me.

“He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour,” says a source."

**UPDATE** People Magazine is reporting:

In the last few weeks, the former Friends star has been spending time with her close pal Courteney Cox Arquette and her yoga instructor-friend Mandy Ingber, while Mayer has been busy getting his new house ready and working in the studio. Then E!'s Marc Malkin reported rumors of a possible split.

Previous Breakup

This is not the first time Aniston, 40, and Mayer, 31, have split. In August 2008, they called it quits. At the time Mayer held an impromptu press conference outside his gym in New York, explaining to the media: "I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right." Still, lately the couple have seemed happy together.

They met at a 2008 Oscar party last year, and were one of the hottest couples at this year's show after a surprise appearance by Aniston as a presenter, with Mayer as her date. Mayer later said he was there to offer moral support to his girlfriend. In a recent interview, Aniston said she didn't believe any relationship was perfect, or was meant to last a lifetime. "Whoever said that every relationship has to last forever?" she told the U.K.'s Mail on Sunday's You magazine. "That's hoping for too much."

Yep. It IS hoping for too much as long as Aniston is involved.

Honk-shooooo.

Megan Fox is Single!

"See? I can totally look like Lara Croft!"

Who? You know, the low rent Angelina Jolie? That hot chick who has been "engaged" to the original 90210's Brian Austin Green, aka "David Silver"-dork? Yeah. Her...

Both actors, who are choosing to focus on their careers according to the website, met in 2004, got engaged in November 2006 and have tattoos of each others' names on their bodies.
Fox is back on the big screen once again as Mikaela in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, due for a June release, while Green has been bolstering his resume as a regular on the TV series Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Oh, also...she's trying superhard to get in on the new Lara Croft movie--replacing Angie, who's so over it. See what I mean? Total poor man's Angie.

Ashton and Demi's Oscar Party - Video

Qik - Live Video by Ashton
http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vcWlrLmNvbS92aWRlby8xMTAxNjYzL3VudGl0bGVk

Pretty lame, but I'm posting it anyway...

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayerrrrr.....yaaawwwwn.

Ohmylord, these two are boring. Look how bored they look, forpitysake. The Sun is reporting this tiresome bit about this unexcitingly routine couple. Yes, I Googled, "boring - definition". This was the number one meaning:

bor·ing
(bôrng, br-)
adj.
Uninteresting and tiresome; dull. See Aniston and Mayer's relationship. (pic)

No need for Tylenol PM tonight, ya'll.

The couple put all rumours of a split to rest with a sizzling snog after a romantic break in the Bahamas.
John whisked the Marley and Me actress off as a Valentine’s treat.
And they both obviously had a good time judging by the way they said goodbye, before boarding separate planes home.
An onlooker said: “Jen looked really upset to be leaving John.
“They were a cute couple, but Jen appeared to be much more concerned about separating. John always keeps his cool.”

SNORRRRRT! Huh?? Oh, I dozed off for a second...sorry.

Michael Phelps Gets Off.

Michael Phelps, relieving some stress...

Nope. No evidence at ALL.

"Having thoroughly investigated this matter, we do not believe we have enough evidence to prosecute anyone that was present at the November party," Lett said.

Phelps, who won a record eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics six months ago, was shown holding a bong in a photograph published two weeks ago by a British newspaper, humiliating the superstar swimmer.


"How can we teach our kids... not to do drugs, then look away when it's an important person?

"Michael Phelps and I agree that something positive needs to come from this incident and that is a message of not using drugs. My perspective is that the law pertains to everyone and our drug laws are to be enforced."


Oh Michael. I'll bet you DO think "something postive (besides your urine test!) needs to come from this incident". I can hear the PR machine from here:

"Mikey...it's a win-win! YOU get off, and the sheriff continues to get his name in the media! Awesome."


I'm bored.

Ali Lohan? An "ExtraORDINARY Woman". I'm So SURE.

She's FIFTEEN, and oh, so ordinary.

I love how the following excerpt from photographer, Jonathan Ressler's website describing his series of whom he describes as "Extraordinary Women". I guess I'm showing my age--or standards--by expecting to see photos of women such as Michelle Obama, Oprah, Angelina Jolie, you know, EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN.

I checked out this dude's website, and although the photos are lovely, I didn't see one single woman. I saw plenty of girls...bland, uninteresting, blonde girls. At least Ali Lohan has dark hair. Maybe that makes her "extraordinary". That, combined with the fact that she's FIFTEEN but looks like a 35 year old woman. I think Ali is one the "dead horses" that I beat. Oh, and check out her platform flip-flops with the taupe gown. Awesome choice.

According to the photographer's Web site, "Extraordinary Women is the result of a long career spent working with inspiring and amazing women. From all this experience, (Ressler) has taken portraits of 50 of the most remarkable women anyone is likely to meet. Each woman stands apart: beautiful, graceful, compassionate, wise and brave; individual and unforgettable."

Continuing on, the "Extraordinary Women" snippet tells, "Shot across the world, these portraits capture the extraordinary character of each of the subjects. Some of the subjects being Poets, ballet dancers, actresses, artists, executives and teachers - these women come from all corners, each making her own mark on history."

I'm completely baffled by that last paragraph. But here we are talking about this unknown photographer and Ali Lohan. A-bloody-gain. (Thanks, Naughty Brit, Carter Magna for teaching me how to say that.)