Sarah Jessica Parker makes me wanna barf, and proves she is INDEED an equine.

You've heard of the cameltoe?

Introducing the Horsey Hoof!

Ewwww.

Normally, I have a pretty strong gag reflex (oh, hush UP, dirty minds. Heh.), but SJP has made me grab the Tupperware bowl to have next to  me just in case. Read on, my friends:

via Digital Spy:

"It has taken me three years to decide on the scent because I really like BO and I think it's sexy. I wanted to figure out a way to make it palatable to everybody. I was like, 'How do you get BO in a bottle and make an atomizer of it?' Then it was all about trying to capture the sense of naughtiness in a bottle that it would be good for a man and a woman."

"BO" is code for another horsey's hind end, FYI. I speak "SJP lingo".

"Horsey Stink" by SJP Stables

available at your local feed store.

I know someone named Holly who's gonna be irritated with this one...which makes it even funnier.

Happy Birthday, Nancy Kerrigan - WHYYYYYY??

Nancy Kerrigan's finest moment: "WHYYYYYY?"

Oh, Nancy Kerrigan. We have such fond memories of you, the 1994 Olympics (where Tonya Harding's thugs smacked your knee up), your snide, bitchy remarks after winning the **COUGHOksanaBaiulCOUGH** silver medal in figure skating...oh, Nancy--there will never be another you. (Yes. there will.)

In honor or Nancy-I broke up my husband's marriage-Kerrigan's 40th birthday today, I thought I'd take us all for a stroll down Memory Lane with a couple of your finest quotes:

"Oh, come on. So she's going to get out here and cry again. What's the difference?" - While waiting for Oksana to step up onto the Gold Medal podium. 

"This is so corny. This is so dumb. I hate it. This is the most corny thing I've ever done."  - At the Disneyland Parade (sitting next to MICKEY!) after her "win" of the Silver medal.

Those are some hilarious quotes, Nancy.

Carrot cake for the stable party?

Happy Birthday! Will you be celebrating with Sarah Jessica Parker, Melissa Rivers and another horsey Olympian Michael Phelps?

 

Oh, Alanis Morrisette. Why?

If that's a toilet, I'm gonna be pissed off.

Wait. I already am.

In my best Nancy Kerrigan whine, WHYYYYYY? Is this what it's come to? Again?

Back in the day, Alanis Morissette never pandered to her audience by dressing like a poptart. But now, all of a sudden, she's hit 35 and feels the need to pull a Madonna on us with the typical hooker boots and open legs photos. Yeah. Awesome. 

I've always just sort of liked Alanis, but I loved Hands Clean, which is another song allegedly about the dude from Full House. They had a relationship while Alanis was 14 and he was 29. They were both living in Canada, where this would be a criii-immme (as she sings in Hands Clean.)

Well, gee. Now I feel guilty for liking this song. It does prove what an asshole Uncle Joey is, just like in You Oughta Know, every chick's favorite "angry song".

Maybe Alanis really does feel like all she's worth is her "outside". Sigh.

Separated at Birth!

 

The Divine Miss M and Secretariat Jessica Parker

I don't know whom I feel sorrier for...Bette or Horsey.

Thanks, Annette! Love it...and YOU! 

Sex and the City 2 filming started in NYC

EEEK! Holy 80's flashback.

Wasn't 90210's AnnaLynne McCord available
as a body/face double?
She can borrow Nicole Kidman's prosthetic nose!

Maybe I'm not as excited as most chicks about the filming of Sex and the City 2, I don't know. But I tell ya what. There is NO effing way I'm gonna believe Secretariat Jessica Parker as an 18-year old ingenue finding her way in The Big Apple. No. Effing. Way.

The good news is Chris Noth ("Big") is back, and there's the possibility that Victoria Beckham may do a cameo.

Seriously, though. Is it just me about SJP not being able to pull off being 25 years younger? I hope there's plenty of vaseline for that lens.

Today's Blind Item - Asshole Brother Edition

"Which brother who has achieved his own measure of success is a creepy egomaniac, according to some who have worked with him and don't really care to again?" via Village Voice/Michael Musto

My favorite line in a Bush song, "should I fly to Los Angeles; find my asshole brother?" This has NOTHING to do with the Blind Item...just a funny aside.

SO. A lot of people are guessing a Baldwin for this, but I'm thinking Chad Lowe, Rob's brother (horseface-Hillary Swank's ex-husband, as well).

Any other guesses?

Oh, Candy Spelling. You slay me.

Dorian Gray and her foal.

See? The photo in the attic just
keeps getting OLDER. Then there's
the full-grown filly.

For all of you who have issues with family members,Candy Spelling (the Mother of All Mothers since Miss Crawford) has shown us that this is the latest--and best--way to communicate their shortcomings as human beings: Draft an email to TMZ and save your postage and lose your dignity, all in one fell swoop.

EXCLUSIVE TO: TMZ.COM
TO: MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)
FROM: CANDY SPELLING

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori's, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter's first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I'm sure its delivery will be on next week's episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won't like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don't read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying "she's late." I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.

Back to other reality stars. My husband taught me that the plots have to be fresh and updated. The same old whining gets tired after a while. Enough complaining about what may or may not have happened during first grade or YMCA camp, or what vegetable you were forced to endure, especially when you are privileged enough to be on TV and get paid for it.

For all the reality show personalities, please remember that real life doesn't get edited to make things better or worse or get better ratings. You're responsible for what you do. Life isn't just a show. And your families can't just be props. Make your own season finale without creating conflicts you will regret later.

That was awesome.

However, I highly doubt Tori's beef with her mother has anything to do with being forced to eat icky vegetables inasmuch as Tori clearly has the scurvy. I think it may have everything to do with the fact Tori only received $800,000 from her dad's gazillions when he passed away. That, and the fact that Candy went "on the record" saying that Tori "killed her father".

Oh. That.

Sidebar: You know what I've decided? If I ever somehow thought to get a stable of horses, I would name them Sarah, Jessica, Parker and Tori. Isn't that precious?

That was for Holly...because it IS funny every. Single. Time!

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's Twins are Here!

"Yeeeee--aaaah! We're over the mooooon!"

SJP and Matty's new twin girls!

Oh MY! The Old Grey Mare's surrogate mother gave birth to twin fillies, Buttermilk and Wildfire. ("...she ran callin' Willlllldfire")!

"The pair are at the East Ohio Regional (farm!) Hospital in Martins Ferry where the surrogate gave birth."

Rumor has it that since Gwennie Paltrow is decorating Mercy's new bedroom for Madonna, she's offered her services to completely overhaul SJP and Matty's NYC apartment to accommodate a stable for two.

I can't WAIT to see the photos of the twins in "Equine Weekly"!!

Diane Lane to Star in Secretariat Film for Disney

The Luminous Diane Lane

What?? A horsey movie??

According to Variety:

Diane Lane is set to star in "Secretariat," the Disney film about the relationship between the 1973 Triple Crown-winning racehorse and his owner, Penny Chenery.

Randall Wallace is directing the film this fall from a script by Mike Rich.

Mayhem partners Mark Ciardi and Gordon Gray are producing.

While Secretariat showed potential before the horse became the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years, Chenery's rise to become "first lady of racing" was the real underdog story.

Lane will play Chenery, a mother and housewife who knew little about horse racing when she took over her ailing father's farm in Virginia.

Around the time that Secretariat established himself as a horse with serious potential, she was pressured to sell him and everything else after her father died and she was hit with a large inheritance tax."

The really cool thing about this film is that it's starring another versatile actress, who will play the lead male role, which could really bring some award nods her way:

HAHAHAAA!! Gotcha!!

It's funny every goddamned time.

Tori Spelling Makes Me Hork Up Bile.

Cokehead Barbie with melted boobies!
By Mattel!

You know what? I don't feel good. I've had this goddamned flu/cold/or whateverthehell I have for almost three weeks. My throat is bright red and my left ear feels like hot needles are stabbing the eardrum. So the LAST thing(s) I wanna see before I shut down this burning laptop for the evening are Tori Spelling's deformed, lopsided, hard and cracked up silicone boobs. Look what it did to her kid! He passed the eff OUT.

Honestly, Tori. Your mom won't talk to you because she doesn't recognize your ass. Not even when you're sitting across the table from her at The Ivy...she has NO. IDEA.

Put down the chopped straw that you hide in your purse, and EAT. Then go get those tits FIXED. Jesus H.

The Filly Wins the Preakness!

Guess what? It's FUNNY. EVERY. TIME.

Seriously, though. A little filly named Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness over the weekend.

The Bloomberg Report:

Rachel Alexandra, the 2-to-1 pre-race favorite, beat Mine That Bird, ridden by Hall of Fame jockey Mike Smith, by a length. Trainer Steve Ausmussen said there was initial concern about the only female horse in the field when she broke from the starting gate a little to the right.
The filly’s win was the first at the Preakness since Nellie Morse’s victory 85 years ago. Jockey Calvin Borel, who two weeks ago rode Mine That Bird to victory in the Derby, rode Rachel Alexandra.

I will continue to beat the Sarah Jessica Parker horseface joke for-effing-ever.

Rachel Alexandra’s winning time was 1 minute, 44.08 seconds. She was the first horse to win the Preakness from the No. 13 post position and took $660,000 from the $1.1 million purse.

Twin Horsies for Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick Instead of a Divorce

NAAAAYYYYYY!

Yes, indeed. I'm gonna beat this horse again. SJP and Matthew are gonna need a bigger STABLE! They are adding to their HERD! I've got a million of 'em, folks...


LOS ANGELES -

"Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick are expecting twin girls born to a surrogate, People magazine reported on Tuesday.

Sex and the City star Parker, 44, and actor husband Broderick, 47, already have a six-year-old son together, James Wilkie.

People quoted a representative as saying the couple were "happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate. The entire family is overjoyed."

Broderick and Parker married in 1997. "





I love that they anounced this just before the Kentucky Derby next weekend. It's always about pimping your new project, isn't it, SJP??

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are Finally Divorcing?

Sarah Jessica Parker preparing for the Kentucky Derby
Matthew Broderick and son (?) James Wilkie
NOT walking to the barbershop.

Oh, I predicted this months ago. Rumors of Matthew's cheating on SJP with a "redhead" (Aiken, anyone?) fueled all the chatter of an impending divorce. Well, I think after watching Sarah Jessica run the Illinois Derby on TV last Saturday--which is a prep for the BIG race, the Kentucky Derby, she's obviously spending too much time training at the track. That's what she refers to as "rehearsals", people...FYI. It will cause a rift in a marriage every time.