Gotdammit, Charlie Sheen! Quit beatin' up your wife and goin' to jail!

Nice Christmas Mugshot

Oh, I know it's Christmas, y'all, but obviously the a-hole named Charlie Sheen doesn't know, so Imma cuss in this post, mmkay?

What a dumbfuck. What a lovely Christmas in Aspen. A dream holiday, if you will. A lovely dream made in hell. Guess which bitch is in jail again. y'all.

via TMZ:


"Charlie Sheen was arrested today in Aspen, Colorado and is being held in jail without bond.

Police responded after a 911 call was made at 8:34 AM. When cops arrived, they arrested Sheen for felony second degree assault, felony manacing and criminal mischief, a misdemeanor.

The name of the victim was not disclosed."

An ambulance arrived on scene, but the alleged victim was not transported.

Sheen will stay in jail until he appears before a judge.
 

UPDATE: Sources tell TMZ the alleged victim is Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller. Sheen's publicist, Stan Rosenfield, "Do not be mislead by appearance. Appearance and reality can be as different as night and day. It would benefit everyone not to jump to any conclusion."

Asshole. Ummm...the appearance of Charlie's MUGSHOT is misleading? Oh. Okaaay.

Tiger Woods is a "Careless Driver", according to Florida State Highway Patrol

Awesome swing, Tiger.

 

Tiger Woods was fined $164 for "careless driving" stemming from his weird single vehicle (and one golf club) accident early last Friday morning, and the authorities will not pursue the accident any further. 

Tiger has also pulled out of his charity golf tournament scheduled in Southern California later this week.

Oh. Okay...well, to use one of my favorite quotes from Fight Club, "This conversation is OVER".

Oh, Alanis Morrisette. Why?

If that's a toilet, I'm gonna be pissed off.

Wait. I already am.

In my best Nancy Kerrigan whine, WHYYYYYY? Is this what it's come to? Again?

Back in the day, Alanis Morissette never pandered to her audience by dressing like a poptart. But now, all of a sudden, she's hit 35 and feels the need to pull a Madonna on us with the typical hooker boots and open legs photos. Yeah. Awesome. 

I've always just sort of liked Alanis, but I loved Hands Clean, which is another song allegedly about the dude from Full House. They had a relationship while Alanis was 14 and he was 29. They were both living in Canada, where this would be a criii-immme (as she sings in Hands Clean.)

Well, gee. Now I feel guilty for liking this song. It does prove what an asshole Uncle Joey is, just like in You Oughta Know, every chick's favorite "angry song".

Maybe Alanis really does feel like all she's worth is her "outside". Sigh.

Blind Item of the Day - Pass the Coke Edition! (Times 3!!)

 

So, a reality star, a designer and an actress walk into a bar. No, not into a bar actually, but it sounds much better that way. They actually just walked backstage at a show. The female reality star who has a huge history of drug problems did some coke and passed it around. The designer who was just about to show their collection, did four lines back to back to back to back, and then passed it along to our C list television actress with B list name recognition on a VERY hit show. Our actress spilled a little on her dress and when trying to brush it off, rubbed it in so took off her dress and stood there naked while she did some lines on a make up table. She then put back on the dress and joined the reality star back out front.

#1 - Reality star
#2 - Designer
#3 - Actress

via CDaN

Holy crap. I saw a bunch of questionable people together (in photos) and I have an idea who the designer could be. He didn't used to be so thin and handsome.

Today's Blind Item - ALLEGEDLY Gay Edition (Yeah. Another one.)

"This would certainly confirm some long term rumors. This bald, male, former A list action star and now a solid B in movies only was spotted at a house party this past weekend making out with a guy. The thing about it is he wasn't trying to be discreet at all. There have to be some pictures of this because there were just too many people at the party." via CDaN

Two names are being tossed around with this one. One actually lives in the lovely ski resort town I am vacationing in right now (some of ya'll know where), and fits the description, but it would a HUGE shock; the second is an actor that I never really considered A list (or even sold B list), but has had definite rumors of gay-dom for a long time.

Ideas??

Today's Blind Item - But what about the KIDS Edition

"This entertaining woman is well-known for being funny and controversial. Although she has done work for the big screen and the stage, she is most well known for television. It should come as no surprise that her behavior in her private life is as volatile as that in her public life. Her partner has finally had enough and has headed for the exit sign. They have both been extremely quiet about the split, and our star is very sad to be on her own. We are curious to see to what they will do about their mix of kids, especially those who are related to one parent but not the other." (Blind Gossip)

Ummm...duurrrrrr! However, her publicist just released a statement that it's all a big ol' lie. That means it's true, right?

Oh. I'm so shocked. Dr. Conrad Murray admits he gave Michael Jackson the Propofol. Whaaaa? Pssssh.

Um, Dr. Murray? Wipe that smug smile off your face.
You'll soon be in a cell with Bubba.

Oh, and in case you hadn't heard,
this is NOT to be used like
UNISOM, ya'll. Durrrrr.

Didn't I just say this very thing yesterday? Good Lord. I'd charge a lot less than these people investigating this a-hole "doctor". I KNOW things, and everyone should know that by now.

updated 3:19 p.m. PT, Mon., July 27, 2009

LOS ANGELES - Michael Jackson’s personal doctor administered a powerful anesthetic to help him sleep, and authorities believe the drug is what killed the pop singer, a law enforcement official told The Associated Press on Monday.

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing, said Jackson regularly received propofol to sleep, a practice far outside the drug’s intended purpose. On June 25, the day Jackson died, Dr. Conrad Murray gave him the drug sometime after midnight, the official said.

Murray became Jackson’s personal physician in May and was to accompany him to London for a series of concerts starting in July. He was staying with Jackson in a rented Los Angeles mansion and, according to Chernoff, found an unconscious Jackson in the pop star’s bedroom the morning of June 25. Murray attempted to revive him but could not.

Police searching Jackson’s home after his death found propofol and other drugs, an IV line and three tanks of oxygen in Jackson’s bedroom, and 15 more oxygen tanks in a security guard’s shack.

Propofol can depress breathing and lower heart rates and blood pressure. Because of the risks, propofol is only supposed to be administered in hospitals. Instructions on the drug’s package warn that patients must be continuously monitored, and that equipment to maintain breathing, to provide artificial ventilation, and to administer oxygen if needed “must be immediately available.”

Jackson had trouble sleeping and the official said he enlisted various doctors to administer propofol, relying on the drug like an alarm clock. He would decide what time he wanted to awaken and at the appointed hour a doctor would stop the intravenous drip that delivered the drug, the official said."

All together now: "They're gonna put a bitch in jaaaaaail."

I'm starting the rumor NOW: The Jonas Brothers are Plushie Lovers

That's right. The Purity Ring boys
prefer a different kind of love.

I'm breaking my own rules:

1.) Never, ever mention the goddamn Jonas Brother Dorks; and

B.) (Still funny.) Never, ever mention the goddamn nuts who are plushie lovers.

How-effing-ever. When the above-mentioned, non-mentioning topics combine, all bets are off. How dare those Purity Ring-wearing goons subject their perversions on innocent youngsters (notice I didn't just say "girls", wink wink nudge nudge). I just find it odd that all three Jonai have a "thing" for pigs. **Correction. I see one of them is a bear (hmmm) cop. Even weirder.**

Any plushie nuts (and I mean that in the nicest way) out there who can educate me on some of the intricacies of Plushie Love?

FYI: This is, arguably, the worst blog I've ever written. See what happens when I DO write about those ugly Disney Dorks??

Lindsay Has Gone Twitter Crazy (along with all the other crazy...)

Lindsay's late night topless Twitter photo.

Oh, Lindsay.

Lindsay Lohan is a complete hot mess and Samantha Ronson is egging her on, by breaking up-getting back together-then breaking up with her again. I think Sam can't keep that zipper of hers up where other chicks are concerned. Dys-effing-functional relationship.

Here is a "tweet" from last night from Linds to Sam. I have to admit, I do kinda get a naughty thrill reading these tweets.

sevinnyne6126I can't sleep @samantharonson its your fault!half a minute ago from TwitterBerry

Oh, and the "missing" jewelry from the Elle photo shoot still hasn't turned up. The folks at Elle Magazine supposedly aren't outright accusing Lindsay of stealing the $400,000 worth of jewels. Suuuure. Even though Lindsay kept asking to take it all home with her? Come ON.

MTV Movie Awards? No thank you.

Kristin (Sourpuss) Stewart,
from that dumb vampire movie

Back in the day (that's what we say now rather than, "why, back in my day" like an old biddy), I used to watch MTV. I loved the awards shows. When my boys, Hunter and Alex were in school, we always knew the MTV Video Awards were on when school started and the MTV Movie Awards were on when school let out. They were good back then...Chris Rock in 1999? The best awards show ever. Making fun of Ricky Martin? Good times.

So this show last night, from what I gather was about that lame-ass "Twilight" crap with those two surly actors, Kristin (Sourpuss) Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I don't find him attractive in the least, and she's a GD ungrateful little snip, who always is reportedly high on weed or something. (Remember the photo I posted of her lighting up her pipe on the front porch? Yeah. Awesome.)

Obviously, I didn't watch the show last night. I don't feel guilty or like it's something I was supposed to watch because I write a celebrity blog. Believe me, I can bitch about these people without seeing them half-ass promote their movies and act like drunk a-holes. I'm sure MTV will rerun the show and I may tune in for a minute or two until my hair catches fire, as its been known to do when I'm in a fury. All it will take is seeing that "Twilight" chick mumble her crabby way through her speech and drop her award in her drunken stupor, I guaran-effing-tee it. (She really did drop her award. Idiot.)

Okay. I'm ready for the Twihards to come and get me.

While we're on the subject of Miss Adam Lambert--AT&T, WTF??

Gosh, they make a darling couple.
I'm dead serious, by the way.

This "American Idol" controversy is getting juicier everyday. AT&T seems to have had a BIG hand in helping Kris Allen get more votes--in his home state of Arkansas, ya'll. According to TheHollywoodGossip.com it is being reported:

"According to a report in The New York Times, one of the show's biggest sponsors may have played a vital role in Allen's victory.

AT&T, by its own admission, provided phones for free text-messaging services at parties organized by fans of the Arkansas native.

At a pair of gatherings in Allen's honor - held during, and immediately following, last week's Tuesday night performance show - representatives of AT&T (whose network is the only one that can be used to cast American Idol votes via text message) passed around free phones.

No such efforts were made on behalf of Adam Lambert.

Moreover, The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette states that AT&T employees actually instructed Allen fans on how to send 10 or more text messages at the press of a single button.

In a statement issued yesterday, a spokesman for AT&T didn't deny these accusations:

“In Arkansas, we were invited to attend the local watch parties organized by the community. A few local employees brought a small number of demo phones with them and provided texting tutorials to those who were interested."

Interestingly, Fox has refused to release the voting percentages or figures from this season.

Why would AT&T possibly favor Allen over Lambert? Might the company prefer a clean-cut, uncontroversial champion of a show it sponsors? We don't know.

But this rumor won't quiet critics that believe Lambert lost due to his sexual orientation."

Sigh. Whatev. Honestly. We all know Miss Adam is going to rock his glittery shit for many,many years. I still say not winning "A.I." was the best thing for his career. What do you guys think about all this?

Who the goddamnedhell does Kate Gosselin think she IS?

"Horrified", my ass.

People Magazine is reporting that the Gosselin marriage is more troubled that originally thought:

"Two weeks after stories linked her husband, Jon Gosselin, with a 23-year-old school teacher, Kate says she is now the target of tabloid lies. "The next story coming out from the animals that stalk us is about our security person and his family," Kate tells PEOPLE exclusively. "Already the allegations they're making about me are disgusting, unthinkable, unfathomable, and I am horrified."

RadarOnline.com is reporting:

"The marriage of Jon and Kate Gosselin is "over", Kate's brother Kevin Kreider and his wife Jodi say in an explosive new video interview, only on RadarOnline.com.

On the stunning video, Kevin Krieder, 32, says "Six months ago Kate came to Jon and said, 'Hey, it's over.'"

As RadarOnline.com recently reported, Jon has been having an extramarital affair with a third grade school teacher, Deanna Hummell.

Kate is rumored to be cheating with her bodyguard Steve Neild.
Both Jon and Kate have denied having affairs. Kate's bodyguard and Deanna Hummell have also denied the affairs.

Kevin's wife Jodi says everyone ignored the problems in the marriage to keep the show's ratings high. She says: "The show is not reality, and has not been for a long time. This is a train wreck."

Kevin adds: "Their family is in shambles."

Jodi and Kevin gave their only print interview to Star magazine, and in a cover story this week, they say the marriage is now governed by a secret contract. They reveal details of that contract in Star's interview.

Kevin says both Jon and Kate need to give up the fame and fortune in order to save their marriage while Jodi says a divorce would affect the children terribly.

In the Star magazine interview, she explains how she believes Kate is exploiting the kids and how badly it's affecting them.

Kreider says his sister Kate wants to be a talk show host, and she really is starting to believe her own press."

WHEN will people learn that a reality show is the worst possible thing to happen to relationships? No one is immune to the horrors of public intrusion like what is happening to this family. Kate's a screech, Jon's a puss; add some cameras, money, bodyguards, teeth whitening and hairplugs/ugly haircuts and they've got one hot mess on their hands.

What about the PLUS EIGHT??? The money and all the trappings simply are not enough to protect these poor kids. Jon and Kate sold their souls to the Devil of Celebrity...but guess who will really pay the price?

Jon and Kate Plus Eight Plus a Young Chick...Yikes.

Jon and Kate Plus AWKWARD!

Us Weekly is reporting in its latest issue that he has been cheating on his wife with 23-year-old Deanna Hummel, a third-grade teacher.

"She's convinced he's going to divorce Kate for her," said Lindsay Powers, staff editor at Us Weekly. It’s no secret to loyal viewers that their eight children have put enormous strain on Jon and Kate's relationship.

"Kate is often promoting her book, "Eight Little Faces," about their family. And Jon, he's been really out on the club scene lately," Powers said. "So when he's not with his kids and Kate's traveling, he's sending $3 shots to this woman he's having an affair with."

Deanna's older brother, Jason, told Us Weekly that Jon, 32, was relentlessly pursuing his sister. "He tells us that on one of their first dates, Jon came over with a half eaten pizza box and a bag of chips and they spent their whole night together in her room acting like, quote, a couple of teenagers," Powers

"A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who's, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast."


The first thing I'm going to address is the word NAST. I am POSITIVE that Alex's wife Dayna made up that word...she's been using it for yeeeears, and I slip it in every now and then when something is particularly gross or nasty.


Secondly? Kate's a shrew. She treats Jon like he's younger than the sextuplets and is constantly berating him--ON TV. I don't believe adultery is cool, man. Not by a long shot. I'm just sayin'. If Jon hasn't felt or been treated like a grown man for oh, so many years...something's gonna happen. I would totally say this if the sides were reversed, and ya'll KNOW it.


Again. I'm just sayin'.

I Know Who Should Play Monster Casey Anthony in the Movie

That woman in Florida who killed her daughter.
Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano. Now, I really have nothing against Alyssa. I've been wracking my brain to figure out who child-killer Casey Anthony resembles (yeah, I said it--she's GUILTY and everyone knows she is). Granted, Alyssa is SUPER-gorgeous, but there are similarities (the smile?) and we all know Hollywood makes everyday-killers much more attractive on film.

Years ago, Alyssa played Amy Fisher, remember? It was one of about 3 television movies about the "Long Island Lolita", and I liked hers so much more than Drew Barrymore's portrayal of the now-pornstar. (Ick, by the way.)

What do you guys think? Do you have any other actresses in mind for this inevitable piece of crap movie?

Lance Armstrong. JERK. (Allegedly.)

"Umm, yeah. A vodka tonic and a Vicodin-back, NOW."

Here's what's funny about seeing this piece on Lance Armstrong's Asshole-Like Behavior on a flight after having surgery on his collarbone: I Googled, Lance Armstrong Jerk. The articles were ENDLESS! Page upon page, article after article about Lance's jerk-like personality. So in my book, the following probably did happen, especially since it's E! reporting the story:

"After crashing during the run-up to his stunningly ambitious eighth Tour de France, Lance was on a flight from Madrid to Atlanta. And apparently the sometimes-womanizer took his self-pity out on the other passengers. Perhaps he knew how bad surgery was going to be, what with that steel plate and those 12 screws he'd just had implanted in his collarbone, which was busted in four spots?



Regardless, an A.T. reader on the flight with L.A. contacted us and described how unpleasant the 36-year-old cancer-surviving cyclist was:



"He was such an asshole," ranted our onboard babe. "He was so wasted on painkillers, and he drank a lot. It was just obnoxious."



So how much did he chug exactly? "Enough to be cut off," the witness told us. And that was in first class, where the booze flows freely until passengers usually cut themselves off, honeys.



After bitchin' for a while, Lancey, who had his arm in a sling, finally went to sleep, much to the flight attendants' and other passengers' joy."

I want pictures and a video from fellow passengers. You know where to find me.

Sean Penn is a ManWhore.

"WHAT did you just say? Wait

til we get HOME!"

First, "Peen" was rumored to be sniffing (snorting?) around Lindsay Lohan. Then there was a Blind Item practically naming him for hanging out and participating in porn activities (at the Hustler headquarters with Charlie Sheen?) ,



"Both of these award winning actors are A list. #2 is an A list movie actor, while #3 got his start in movies, and is now an A list television actor. Oh. Both of them are married as well. And both of them also have child(ren). Three or four times a year they get invited to a porno shoot by one of their mutual friends. When they get there though, it is not about watching, it is about each taking a turn with every actress on the set." [CDaN]



and now he's getting way too friendly (is that what "fornicating" means now?) with Natalie Portman. What exactly is his wife Robin Wright-Penn getting out of this deal, except exposure to all kinds of diseases? She filed for divorce back in December of last year and then took this asshole back. I don't get it AT ALL.



Here are the reports of "the love of Madonna's life" and his cheating ways:



"Lindsay Lohan likes Milk. Anyway, she likes the star of Gus Van Sant’s longish take on the life and times of gay activist Harvey Milk.
At Sean Penn’s private dinner for Milk last week at downtown/far west eatery The John Dory — in which the former Jeff Spicoli has invested — Lohan showed up sans partner Samantha Ronson. Sources say she immediately sidled up to Penn, who took her under his wing, so to speak. “They nuzzled,” says my observer, before taking off for an after party somewhere in the bowels of Chelsea, no doubt."



And...



"According to a report, the “Mystic River” stud (who recently reunited with his wife Robin Wright Penn) was joined by the “Garden State” cutie, Natalie Portman over at the Sunset Tower Hotel on March 17th.

The eyewitness observed the celebs “constantly touching each other” during dinner before heading off to spend some private time together.

“They went to a bank of elevators that only goes to the spa or to private rooms. They came back about 45 minutes later, and that’s when I saw them making out.”

The source continued, “There’s a door outside of the hotel’s Tower Bar that has a bridge to the terrace, so it’s semi-private. I used that path to get to the restroom, and when I came back, I had to go through some curtains — and that’s when I interrupted Sean and Natalie! When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves.”

I wish Robin would file for divorce again. I'm feeling a lack of self-respect on her part. It's been reported ad nauseum that Sean Penn is an abuse SOB. (When he was married to Madonna, he "trussed her up like a turkey and beat the shit out of her". What he's reportedly doing with these young birds in Hollywood is abusive to his wife in itself. Ick.


Oh, and he does love the cocaine. Just sayin'.