Jennifer Lopez? WHAT the goddamnhell are you wearing?

JLo!! What the goddamnhell are you wearing here?

Check out girlfriend's rehearsal-wear for the AMAs on Sunday.

BLEH.

And, what is THIS crap? Oh, that's right. It's JENNIFER EFF-ING LOPEZ-crap. I remember when I sorta liked Jennifer Lopez, but that was circa 1999. If You Had My Love? Awesome. Waiting For Tonight? Great song for a Millenium party. See how old I am today, yet again??

Really, though? Am I the only one out here who thinks this song, Louboutins, is utter garbage? I just cannot believe how ghastly this song is...and the title is embarrassing and ghetto. "Jenny from the Goddamn Block", my big, fat Puerto Rican ass. (Okay, my big, fat Irish-French ass, whatEVER.) She's rubbing our noses in her shoe closet (peeee yooooo) AND tryna get free shoes while she's at it. Pssssh.


Jaaayzus, I'm cranky today.  

Who wants Megan Fox to suck the life out of them? Here's a little New York Times TIME waster!

Goddammit. I wasted 5 minutes and 47 seconds listening to the ever-vapid Megan Fox being "interviewed". I swear, now she's trying to be Shiloh Jolie-Pitt by coming up with some crap story of wanting to be called "Dorothy" as a child. I call bullshit. Shiloh started it by the entire world calling her "John" from Peter Pan, and Miss Fox knows this. She's copying a three year old's fantasy life!


Megan Fox goes on to say that women are the "hardest" on her. Awwwww. Are we? Oh, and we're supposed to feel sorry for her being cast as the "Mean Girl" because she's a brunette. I grew up in SoCal, and as a brunette I can tell you that in REAL LIFE, it's not the brunettes I worried about. (Okay, two of them were and they were sisters, but they don't count.) Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.


The worst part of this pseudo-artsy black and white clip (by famed photographer Lynn Hirschberg no less!) is just how truly DUMB Megan comes off looking. Between her babydoll voice, admitting that she puts "no thought" into permanently modifying her body (that God-awful Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her FOREARM) and her deep thoughts regarding (gag) cat hair, she needs to get down on her knees and thank someone for her career. (You can hear it from a mile away, can't you?)

She already did get down on her knees for her career. (Rimshot!)

Now who's the brunette Mean Girl, Megan?

Sorry. That was mean.

Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift and TAYLOR SWIFT!

"A little help here??"

Way to make the rest of the world feel like total losers...oh, OLD total losers. But good for you, Taylor.

Last night at the Country Music Awards Taylor won every. Single. Award. Thank you and goodnight!!  Okay, really now. Apparently there's a big, fancy award called The Splarkly Entertainer of the Universe Trophy and Taylor won that one, too--AND she was the youngest infant to ever achieve that award. SHE'S 19, PEOPLE!!  What else is there? Oh, sure...she can go on to write a Tony Award-winning Broadway musical that will colorfully illustrate what an asshole that Jonas Brother was and whom she continues to write about, and then that will be made into an Oscar-winning film a` la Coal Miner's Daughter, except that Taylor will write the screenplay and star in the movie. Jaaaayzus. 

Don't get me wrong--I'm totally Team Taylor (especially with regard to StupidKanye). I just sorta feel inadequate and loser-y when I see someone as talented and goddamn likeable as Taylor Swift achieving so much at such an early age. 

Who's with me? I know Wynonna Judd is! Get a load if this!

The (gulp) JUDDS

It's been said before, but I swear:

Elvis is ALIVE and orange. And BITCHY.

via USWeekly:


"You want my honest comment? It’s too much too soon. Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once. It’s just too much of a good thing too soon."

Judd continued, "My thing is, being a home-school mom, I want kids to earn it, and I think some time ... 'cause mom and I rode in a car for the first year of our career to visit radio stations. There was a making of the star, there was a rising up, and the fans went with us. Now it’s over coffee breaks, the success, almost. You have to play catch up ... It's like the girl who wins an Oscar and she's under 20. What do you do from here?"

C'mon girl, put down those Alli Diet Pills and lets go get some pancakes! We'll all feel better.




 

Miley Cyrus in "Sex and the City 2" - Is it just me?

Kim Cattrall and Miley Cyrus

mugging for the new SATC2 movie

It's Monday, it's Miley, and that means I'm wearing my Judgey McJuderson robe. Babygirl is 16, if you need reminding. Then we have the over-50 Kim Cattrall (as Samantha). See, they were filming a scene where Miley and Samantha show up to an event (gasp!) wearing identical outfits.

Who (Patricia Fields, I'm talkin' ya!) thought it would be "cute" for Miley to wear a submissive  dog collar with spikes, a teeny sequined dress, long black gloves and boots? Somehow I doubt Taylor Swift would have done that, but again, she's not in a movie for dried up biddies who keep their fantasies of youth and beauty alive by living vicariously through these bitches.

I can't wait to see it!!! (Define irony.)

Megan Fox + her movie "Jennifer's Body" = One big fat BOMB.

Karma's a bitch, Megan--and so are you.

I know a lot of fanboys are in what basement dwellers describe as "love" with Megan Fox, but it seems no one else is after the weekend numbers for Jennifer's Body have been tallied.

The whole idea for this movie is puzzling to me--mean chicks in high school (already lived through that, thanks), boyfriend stealing/killing/eating(?) and two hot chicks making out. The latter seems lukewarm at best, because who needs to shell out the $15 to go to the theater (I still want candy, y'all) just to see tame girl on girl action? 

I'll say it again: Megan Fox should just do porn and do us all a personal favor. She'd make a shitload of money for doing what she probably does best, the public would get what they really want from this crazy bitch and everyone would be happy.

It's called WIN-WIN, people.

Kanye the Asshole Half-Asses an Apology to Taylor Swift, Then Removes It.

 

What?

I really have been trying to clean up my dirty mouth the past couple of months. Quite noble of me, yes? Well. That all went down the toilet last night after witnessing the biggest fucking asshole the recording industry has ever seen.

We've all seen the footage (shown below) of that little bitch Kanye West steal a wonderful moment of winning an MTV Video Music Award from Taylor Swift. (My hair is still on fire, by the way, and it smells awful.)

Here's The Asshole's half-ass apology on his CAPS LOCK BLOG. He apparently has since taken it down.

I'd love to hear your feelings on this piece of shit. I think you already know mine.

Katherine Heigl and Hubby Adopting Baby Girl

Mommy? Bleh.

I know it's kind of the cool thing to hate on Heigl. Just call me "Coolia" because I'm on board with the haterade. There are celebrities who genuinely seem like-able and appear to be good people (read: Paltrow, Sean Penn, Terrence Howard,  Roseanne Barr, Kristen Stewart, Tom Sizemore...Jaaayzus, I'm hella funny!). You get my point. Katherine Heigl just seems to have a terminal case of The Bitchface, so it's only appropriate that she's going to adopt a baaaybeee now.

"A source says they have been going through the adoption process for around 6-months and plan to have everything sorted out by this week. The baby girl's name is Nayleigh and Katherine plans to call her Leigh."

Apparently the baby girl has special needs. I'll say. She's going to be in great need of a soothing, tender mother once she unpacks her own little suitcase and climbs into her crib with a bottle of ashtray water.

I'll take baby Leigh off Snagl's hands. 

2009 Daytime Emmy Awardzzzzzzzzzz

"I'D LIKE TO THANK MEEEE!!"

The only cute ones there, Portia and Ellen.

Tyra, threatening with her eyes,
instead of smiling with them.

I know, the Daytime Emmy Awards are a bit of the red-headed step-child of awards shows. I really don't care about them, but having seen these pictures of Tyra (in two different dresses, of course. That copper Cavalli get-up is a bit much, don't you think?) Ty-ranny (can be pronounced two ways!) actually won, too, for (gulp) Outstanding Talk Show. Really? Here's what the self-proclaimed "Lightbulb Head" had to say about her show:

"You've got to move and I've totally redone my show from skin and guts — how it looks, feels all the way down to content, because of the changing generation," Banks said.

I take that statement to mean if anyone disagrees with her ass, their ass is OUT.

ANYshrug. Here's the list of winners (aka: people I've never heard of in my entire life):

DRAMA SERIES
"The Bold and the Beautiful"

ACTOR
Christian LeBlanc, "Young and the Restless"

ACTRESS
Susan Haskell, "One Life to Live"

SUPPORTING ACTOR
(Tie)
Jeff Branson, "Guiding Light"
Vincent Irizarry, "All My Children"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Tamara Braun, "Days of Our Lives"

YOUNGER ACTOR
Darin Brooks, "Days of Our Lives"

YOUNGER ACTRESS
Julie Berman, "General Hospital"

DAYTIME DRAMA DIRECTING
"One Life to Live"

DAYTIME DRAMA WRITING
"General Hospital"

TALK SHOW (INFORMATIVE) Ummm...I don't even have a comeback.
"The Tyra Banks Show"

TALK SHOW (ENTERTAINMENT)
"Rachael Ray" Wait. It should read: RACHAEL RAY, Bitches ! ! ! Pain. In. My. Left. Eye.

TALK SHOW HOST
Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Whoopi Goldberg, Sherri Shepherd, Barbara Walters, "The View" Jaaaayzus. Those screeching hens won??

GAME SHOW
"Cash Cab" OH! That's a cool show.

GAME SHOW HOST
Meredith Vieira, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"

MORNING PROGRAM
"Good Morning America"

Yawwwwwnnnn.

It's that time again--STARS WITHOUT MAKE-UP!

The worst goes FIRST.
Kate Hudson. Wow. Awesome chins.

Ali Larter from "Heroes" looks great.

J.Lo, not bad and gorgeous skin

Yikes. ScarJo is scary.

Halle Berry just looks tired.

See? I'm not always mean. Some of these ladies look just fine...but K.Hud needs to place her order for this gadget ASAP.

What the EFF?? Adam Lambert is GAY??

Oh gurrrl

HAHAHAAAA! Oooh, I've been waiting for the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" to hit the stands...and here she is! Miss Adam Glambert in all her queer glory! HAWT, ya'll!

Miss Adam sheds some light on the gossip about her sexuality. for the precious few little girls who thought they stood a chance:

“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay,” Lambert says in the new issue of Rolling Stone, hitting newsstands this week.

The flamboyant Idol singer hits our cover and bares all, talking about his childhood (”I started to realize I wasn’t like every other boy,” he says), the drug-fueled Burning Man epiphany that led him to AI (”I realized that we all have our own power, and that whatever I wanted to do, I had to make happen,” he tells RS) and his run on the show (”I was like, ‘I’m going to glue rhinestones on my eyelids, bitch!’ “).

And yes, he talks about his sexuality. “Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler,’ ” he tells us. “I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context."

Them's bitch-fightin' words. ya'll. I LOVE the Gayken slam. Hilarious.

My subscription to Rolling Stone (that I've had since I was 17 years old!) has run out, so I'll be buying this one--how 'bout you??

Dreamboat Dr. Drew thinks Lindsay needs to lose a leg in order to get it together, man!

Dreamboat Dr. Drew

Lindsay is look old and rough.

My Dreamboat Dr. Drew Pinsky (of "Loveline" and "Celebrity Rehab" fame") is calling Lindsay out on her shit. I love it. Sistergirl is barely 23 and needs the Botox almost as badly as I do. "Rode hard and put away wet" should be her next tattoo, don't you think? My fascination with Linds is beginning to wane. (It's because she can't get Sam back.) But did you notice she's still wearing the gold Cartier "Love" bracelet she and Sam both were wearing? I sure don't see Samantha wearing hers anymore. Just sayin'.

Oh yeah. Dreamboat Dr. Drew. Here's what he had to say about Ms. Lohan and her ghastly lifestyle:

Dr. Drew told Parade (via NJ.com),

"I'm convinced that she'll get sober one day. But I'm afraid that between now and then, she may get a nearly mortal wound of some type. I'm really convinced that something horrible is going to have to happen to her before she really gets over it and embraces sobriety. She needs to give it up. And it's going to be a while before she does. I have this image that she's going to lose a limb or something before she does. And it scares me."

Not to be a bitch or anything, but losing a leg didn't make Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills any less of a nutcase. Know'msayin'?

Britney Looking Posh? No.

You can take the girl outta
the trailer park, but....

Can we all just begin referring to her as "Trailer Posh"? Britney Jean wouldn't know the definition of "posh" even if Victoria Beckham slapped her across the face. If I may present my case before the Court:

Exhibit A - Black nylons with a white dress

Exhibit B - White shoes with black nylons

Wrong and wrong. I don't believe for one second we can blame her "stylist" on the fashion faux pas. I can just hear Britney bossin' those folks around, "ya'll...I always wore it lak this! I look jus' lak Princiss Diyaaaana!!"

dailymail.co.uk

"Demurely dressed in a vintage Givenchy frock with a matching wide-brimmed hat, Britney Spears could have easily passed for one of the society girls who frequent polo matches." As IF.

Oh, Britney. I can't see just how scuffed up the back of those white heels are, but I know they are indeed...scuffed up, ya'll.

Thanks, Annette!

Clay Aiken is STILL a jealous bitch--apology or not!

GAAAHHH! My EYES are bleeding!

The lovely Miss Adam Glambert - H O T, ya'll!

I'm saving ya'll the $29.95 I KNOW you were going to send to PayPal to join the Special Clay Aiken blog.. Seems Miss Bitch decided to half-ass apologize for the "ear bleeding" remarks she had the nerve to spew toward our Miss Adam Glambert. This apology is like when some total skank hurts your feelings then says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." In other words...it's not much of an apology at all.

Aiken writes:

"I'll be the first to admit that my opinion is just that, only my opinion, but for as much as some of the bloggers seem to dislike me and care so little about my thoughts, (I'm sorry you feel that way, Ms. Gayken) they sure can waste a lot of their space on what I say! If only many of them took the time to pay attention to important things like the US economy and the welfare of the world's children. (Insert full body eyeroll here.) But… nah… I could blog about that type of stuff anytime and most wouldn't think twice, but let me say something that they can pick and choose quotes and misinterpret me… and it's showtime! I never assumed my opinion mattered so much! I guess I may have been wrong."

"That said, since my previous blog got dissected like a biology lab frog, i suppose I should clarify and even retract some of what I wrote. I am sure that some were upset by my choice of words describing my opinion of a performance I heard from Adam Lambert. I hope no one actually believed that blood truly poured forth from my ears when I heard him. (If only that HAD happened!) I obviously meant it as a colorful statement to imply that I did not enjoy what I heard. Any performer hopes that their music will appeal to all people, but no singer realistically expects it to. God knows, I am SURE there are PLENTY of people who can't stand to hear me sing either. (Plenty? How about MOST of us?) I wouldn't dream of assuming that, and I am sure that far worse things have been said about my performances than I would even venture to type here. To me, that's fine. I don't expect unanimous, nor even majority support for my music. But, my guess is Adam doesn't either. I would not venture to make judgements [sic] on the personality or demeanor of anyone I don't know, so none of what I said in my previous blog was directed as a 'slam' on Adam as a person. At the same time, I wouldn't dream of slamming him as an entertainer. He does what he does, because he enjoys it, and he obviously has many fans who enjoy it as well. If what I said in my previous blog regarding my impression of a single performance from Adam upset or offended any of his fans, I expect that the mature ones will realize that it was simply a poorly worded metaphor describing my personal tastes. The only person I would really dream of apologizing to is Adam. And the irony is, if he's smart he couldn't give a crap what I think of his 'Ring of Fire' performance. As an entertainer, Adam knows that one person's opinion of one performance really matters a little less than zero, in the grand scheme of things. He could not have gotten on Idol (nor made it as far as he did) without an immense amount of talent. He surely doesn't need my approval to know he has a gift. At the same time, he realizes that amazing talent doesn't always equal universal appeal. (I could NEVER have the amount of skill and talent that ballet dancers have! (Ohhh...Gayken is letting us in on his dreams of wearing a tutu and "Swan Lake" feathers for "So You think You Can Dance"!) that's talent! But, I don't particularly enjoy it! Pants on FIRE, Gayken.) I am sure that I will have plenty of opportunities in the coming years to hear Adam sing. I imagine he'll be around for years to come. But in the meantime, I definitely don't want to stoop to the level of so many negative freaks on the internet (who the HELL are you callin' a "freak", you eyelash dying, butthole??)… so, I do apologize to Adam for my colorful (and negative) choice of words. I hope he can forgive me. I imagine he doesn't give a d---! God knows he shouldn't."

First of all, the Gayken needs to realize that once you show your true colors as a raving jealous bitch in PUBLIC, you DON'T APOLOGIZE. Sister needs to embrace her bitchiness. Girl just keep waggin' your finger and jerkin' your head around.

Bottom line. Gayken is mega-jel and wishes she could get up on that hot bitch, Glambert, but knows she's waaaay outa her league.

We HEART Miss Adam!!

Oh, ICK. I'm sick.

Awesome. Ugh.

Seems everyone in my family has had it, and now it's my turn for the flu. And, NO. It's not the GD swine flu. It's a terrible sore throat, aches and fever, cough and bitchiness. Poor Stephen. He doesn't have it, but he has to deal with my cranky ass. Sigh. I'll do the best I can with the blogs today.

Expect crabbiness galore if I do indeed write something.

Lindsay is Chanelling Marilyn Monroe Again? Really? I Beg to Differ.

"YAY! I look just like Mommy--I mean, Marilyn!I!"
As always, Mother of the Year - Dina Lohan

Seems Lindsay is trying to be Marilyn again...but she only ends up looking exactly like her mother, Dina. Happy Mother's Day! (Shudder...)

Jamie Foxx is a Jerk.

I love finding old-ass, ugly pictures

of idiots "stars".


And he's acting like the total bitch that he is--oh yeah, I said it. Come get me, Jamie. I'll kick your ass, too. As much as I don't really care for Miley Cyrus (she's a big o'l' liar 'bout not havin' the sex), Jamie Foxx needs to shut that gummy hole of his. HE should talk about "gums". That is one effed-up grill he's sportin'. That aside, this rant about Miley was just gross. Oh, and Jamie? She's a BILLIONAIRE. In your effing dreams, my friend.

"Who is Miley Cyrus?" an incredulous Foxx, who has a teenage daughter of his own, said. "The one with all the gums? She gotta get a gum transplant...S--t.""She's gonna ruin Radiohead's career? The same Radiohead that gets paid a million dollars just to sample their songs?"Make a sex tape and grow up," he continued. "Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Do like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian and get some crack in your pipe. Catch Chlamydia on a bicycle seat. That's what I want."

Let's see how he'd respond to someone saying that about his own young daughter. Downlow dumbass needs to to sit down.

Faye Dunaway Will Bitch-Slap Hilary Duff.

Back in the DAY. Gore-juss.
In all fairness, this photo is really old; I

just thought it was funny.

I've never even heard of this chick, I mean, DUDE.

The Chicago Times reports:

"Quick! Can you think of any remake of great film classic that has been better than the original?

No, I didn’t think so.

That’s also reportedly the reaction of both Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway upon hearing about a new ”Bonnie & Clyde” in the works.
Hollywood sources tell me the two Oscar winners both said, ”Why?” upon hearing the news little-known director Tonya S. Holly will direct ”The Story of Bonnie and Clyde,” based on her own screenplay. (Ooooh, Warren's a bitch, too!!) Holly says her project was inspired not by the 1967 film, but by news clippings of the famous Depression-era outlaws, found in an abandoned house on her family’s property.

Learning her role as Bonnie Parker would be portrayed by Hilary Duff, Dunaway supposedly zinged, ”Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?”

Oh, FAYE. Good one.

Beatty’s Clyde Barrow role will be played by Kevin Zegers, (all together now! "WHOOOOO??) whose credits include ”The Jane Austen Book Club” and ”Transamerica.”

The original ”Bonnie & Clyde” received 10 Oscar nominations, but won only two — Estelle Parsons for best supporting actress and for cinematography."

WHY can't Hollywood come up with something original rather than desecrating a classic??

Julia Roberts vs. Paps (NSFW) Video

Dude, she MEANS it.

I'm on the fence about Ms. Roberts. Oh, I totally agree with her going Crazy- Ape-Shit-Mama on these a-holes who are stalking her while she tries to pick up her kids. I whole-heartedly understand. Having said that, word on the street is that she pulls this attitude with waiters, valets and anyone else she feels needs a good ass-reaming.

I think she's just generally pretty crabby unless you happen to be George Clooney.

I Loathe Will Smith's Kid, Jaden. **WARNING** Kid Bashing Ahead.

Will Smith and his Brat, Jaden

Smugness personified...and sister, Willow

I dub thee, "The Fresh Prick". Oh yeah, right off the git I'm going for blood. Jaden Smith looks like a complete a-hole in Every. Single. Photo. I swear, his down-low Scientologist parents, Will Smith (FKA The Fresh Prince) and possible lesbian wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith must constantly tell that kid he's so very much better than everyone else, because that's what he projects.

Apparently, the highly self-satisfied and annoying Celeb-Tologist spawn is going to star in the remake of The Karate Kid and will co-star with Jackie Chan, who will play the beloved role of "Mr. Miyagi". I know there are a lot of die-hard fans of this movie who do NOT want it effed with at all. I don't care one way or another about a remake--I just don't want to see or hear about this kid ever again. He really pisses me off. There. I said it, and I MEAN it.

I expect a really douchey cd release from him within 18 months, don't you? Ack!

Can I Return The "Cokehead Barbie" I Got for Christmas?

"Is there any left on my nose?"

Ugh. Denise Richards is a big pile of crazy. Here she is hosting the New Year's Eve party at Prive` in Las Vegas.

I bet she'll be hostessing at Denny's next New Year's Eve.