Noah Cyrus? I'm calling Child Protective Services on your dad, Billy Ray. FYI.

People? Parents? Noah Cyrus is 9 years of age.

This is what I wake up to on a Sunday morning?? Jesus wept. I don't care if Slutoween Halloween is upon us. This. Is. Unacceptable. What is it with this Hillybillyraycyrus family?

Here is Miley's little sister at a the 16th Annual Dream Halloween. This little event was held in Santa Monica last night, with proceeds going to the Children Affected with AIDS Foundation...which is great. But wow.

Honestly, is it just ME?  

Roman Polanski is caught by Chris Hansen on "To Catch a Predator"--lured by the sweet tea!

I know this supposed to be funny; I mean, I think it is. EVERYONE wants to see Roman Polanski questioned by Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator on NBC. This mash-up of an old interview with the serial pedophile and "respected auteur" along with bits of Chris Hansen doing his best "I'm Chris Hansen".  Funny stuff.


What's not so funny is how un-effing-remorseful Polanski seems.  He's NOT sorry, and feels he's done his time. After all, he can't help it that he has a thing for young girls. What's the problem??


God, I hate this piece of shit. I'd like to post the most current list of pro-child molesters in Hollywood (WHAT? Isn't that what they are??) for your perusal.

Isn't it ironic that even though it's an alphabetized list, Woody Allen is FIRST?

Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar, Monica Bellucci, Gael Garcia Bernal, Bernardo Bertolucci, Ethan Coen, Robert Cohen, Penelope Cruz, Jonathan Demme, Stephen Frears, Terry Gilliam, Buck Henry, David Heyman, Larry Levine, David Lynch, Michael Mann, Jeanne Moreau, Alexander Payne, Brett Ratner, Isabelle Ruh, Julian Schnabel, Martin Scorsese, Tilda Swinton, Julie Turcas, Isabelle Adjani, Harrison Ford, Taylor Hackford, Isabelle Huppert, Jeremy Irons, Neil Jordan, Sam Mendes, Camille Meyer, Mike Nichols, Natalie Portman, Salman Rushdie, Kristin Scott Thomas, William Shawcross, Steven Soderbergh, Diane von Furstenberg, Margaret Walker, Scott Foundas

via (LA Weekly).

Eff ALL of you. We'll see how supportive you artistes are if your child is the victim of molestation--and judging by the size of the list, I'd say someone's kid already has been given that lovely opportunity. Nice.

Rihanna could also use some parental advice while in Paris.

Babygurrrl seems to have 

"left home without it"...again.

I don't know...maybe there are some underpinnings (as the old biddies used to say) underneath that sheer, striped thing Rihanna is sporting, but come ON. Here we have yet another young, 21-year old trotting around in hooker clothing.

I really don't think I'm a prude. How-effing-ever. This dress qualifies for a "Ho Stro" get-up. Know'msayin'? 

I think I tend to be a little more Judgey McJudgerson when I have Felix for the day. Or MAYBE these gals need to stop dressing like Vegas strippers? You decide, because I can't.

 

Two Lohan posts in one day. (Eyeroll.)

ALI LOHAN is FIFTEEN years old!!

Is that Ali's dealer babysitter behind her?

When will someone--I don't care who--call The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (1-800-THE-LOST) to help Ali Lohan out of her mess of a life?

Michael and Dina Lohan are shit for parents. Look at this FIFTEEN YEAR OLD daughter of theirs in Paris with their other sad daughter, Lindsay a couple of nights ago. ForpitySAKE.

How long before one or both of these girls end up dead in some stranger's apartment?

And Lindsay? Don't count on becoming iconic like your beloved Marilyn Monroe.

 

 Lindsay's trying to tell us something by 

displaying her arm like this, if you ask me.

 

We can see that you're still cutting yourself. NOT cool, man. Oh, in case you're wondering? The tattoo is a quote of Marilyn's: The wording, "Everyone's a star and deserves the right to twinkle," is surrounded by yellow, blue and green stars.

Tick tock....

 

 

Happy Birthday, Evan Rachel Wood

Happy Birthday, ERW.

I guess I'll return the bed tarp 

I had gift-wrapped for you.

Today Evan Rachel Wood turns 22 years old. When I see photos like this, I feel old. I'm going to just blurt it out: I lost my virginity at the age of 22. I have a sneaking suspicion that Evan hasn't held onto hers for quite as many years. I don't know, maybe the fact that Evan was living with Marilyn Manson when she was 19 years old gave it away. Then there were rumblings of an affair with the ancient (shudder) Mickey Rourke while filming and promoting "The Wrestler".


I guess Evan is an okay actress. I remember seeing her on the TV series, "Once and Again" back in the 90's when she was really young. Now everyone's peeing their pants in excitement about Evan's appearance on "True Blood". (I finally sat through some of "True Blood" last night, by the way. I found most of the acting rather questionable and campy. I turned it off.)

I'm rambling. I guess I'm just glad I have sons. Know'msayin'?

Gwen Stefani takes kids to see dad, Gavin perform at The Grove - Kingston ain't havin' it.

Kingston's crying again.

Gavin's playing malls now?
Oh, yeah. A benefit show.

Kingston's a crybaby! Kingston's a crybaby!

Gwen Stefani brought her boys Kingston and Zuma to see their dad Gavin Rossdale perform as part of the Donate Life Summer Concert Series at The Grove in L.A. on Wednesday night, but someone was being a cranky-doodle about it.

Hey, this isn't the first time I've seen Kingston Rossdale bawling his head off. The last crying scene was when the Rossdales took the special ones to an L.A. park and some kid (I'm picturing Cartman from "South Park") smacked Kingston and made him cry like the baby he is. Nanny stepped right in to coddle.

So. Here we have Kingston. Crying a-bloody-gain. I love how Gwen is making the "awwww, it's okay"-face, but not holding him. Gawd. That might involve messing up that hairdo.

Hey, GWEN? How 'bout you step in and comfort him your damn self?

Did ya'll watch Project Runway last night? What the??

Ari Fish, the first designer to get the boot on PR

Wait. I'm confused now.

Project Runway's first guest judge;
Slutty von Hookerstein--
now I'm really confused.

Who else watched Project Runway last night? The first few episodes are always confusing. I feel a bit standoff-ish toward the new desiiiiiignerssss (that's how the word is pronounced, according the The Gospel of Tim Gunn). I don't know them yet, I don't know who I like and whom I loathe yet. One thing I noticed about last night's show was that the designers were not wearing their Bitch Pants yet. I witnessed compassion, admiration for one another and I was totally thrown off--but I liked it.

Anyway, the designers were given the challenge of making a "red carpet" dress. Same old routine, run to MOOD for fabric, wax poetic about what a "unique vision" each designer feels they own, hurry the eff UP already! Who's the guest celebrity judge?? Holy shit. It's Lohan.

I know I'm not the only goon out here who was transfixed by the fact that one designer, Ari Fish, looked exactly like Samantha Ronson. And Lindsay had to judge her crazy-ass "disco-soccerball" of a dress. Naturally, she was OUT.

Oddly enough, I found Linds to be quite interesting and articulate with her critique of the dresses. Makes you wonder just how far she could have gone had she not taken the vodka-Red Bull road.

I'll chat about Project Runway a bit next week. It gets easier when they narrow it down. Waaay to many people to invest my effort in now.

I still wish Christian Siriano could be on EVERY season. I miss that hot tranny mess.

Vanessa Hudgens Cannot Define "Irony".

Miss Hudgens, with Photoshopped undies

Heavy sigh. Oh, Vanessa. I love how you answered the question, "...and what is your hobby?" by some (inadvertently?) funny journalist:

“Probably photography; I think it's a lot of fun … savoring the moment.”

I wonder if this is really what you meant? Between those Cyrus girls and their stripper poles and you and your nakey phone photos, Disney is headed toward being the new Vivid Studios. Know'msayin'?

Oh, Kathy Griffin! And Other Teen Choice Awards Crap.

The perfect couple:
Kathy Griffin and Levi Johnston
at the Teen Choice Awards

I love Kathy Griffin...I've loved her before all of her plastic surgery and newly-sculpted body. Funny is FUNNY, ya'll.

So here's our girl, with her Big 'n Stupid date, Levi (I-Hate-My-Baby-Mama's-Mama) Johnston at the Teen Choice Awards, which air tonight on FOX. When asked about their "relationship", here's what the couple had to say:

“Long-distance relationships are not easy, especially when he’s in his igloo and I’m in my Hollywood tower.”

When asked what it was like to be Kathy’s date, Levi said “I just, you know, look at her, shut up and do what I’m told.”

Here are a few more pictures of some people I really could not care less about who also attended The Teen Choice Awards:

Sourpuss #1
Rob Pattinson from "Twilight"

Sourpuss #2
Kristin Stewart, from Twilight.
Both of them make me sick.

Kim (I'm-REALLY-JLo-Just-Look-at-My-Big-Ass-Lopez) Kardashian
Blonde??

OhforpitySAKE. HER again.
Nice wifebeater, black bra and heels.

GAAH! Kat von D, from "L.A. Ink"
Just who I would like my TEEN to emulate!

Another plastic surgery enthusiast: Fergie

...and of course, Britney, ya'll!

Wow. It's really saying something when Brit-Brit isn't the sluttiest one on the "green" carpet at an event.

Now I need to go rustle up a hot dish (or casserole, depending on where you live) for the Church Social tonight at 5:30 in the p.m. It's gonna be wild. I may even wear my open-toed shoes!

Those Cyrus Girls are Making Me Talk About Them Again!

Someone needs to reign this IN.

Video of Miley's 9-year old sister, Noah,
on the pole with her little friends.

I find these images very disturbing, don't you?


At the risk of sounding like the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live, I'm just appalled by Miley Cyrus and her little sister, Noah. Wait. Maybe it's their parents I should be wagging my finger toward.

via E! Online:

"It would be nice if Miley could help us all out and avoid this age-old debate by choosing not to pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards or wear a supershort miniskirt and then change into a dress with a serious plunging neckline. But she's not going to do that, and the cycle is just about to begin again with her little sister...

Noah Cyrus finally gives us an answer to the world's question: What's worse than a 16-year-old pole dancing on national television? A 9-year-old pole dancing at a Hollywood club."

We are raising a nation of little girls who find power in their sexiness. I'm not making one goddamned new or profound statement, this I realize. It doesn't mean I cannot be troubled by the sluttification of our little girls.

Billy Ray needs to stop wondering why pervy dudes are stalking his daughter.

Photo: Vanity Fair
Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus

Noah Cyrus and friends at
a pole party.
(No, that's not a typo.)

In my best Christian Bale voice: Ohhhhh GOOD. Here's Miley's 9 year old little sister, Noah at a Kids's Choice Awards pre-party with her little friends. Yes. You are seeing exactly what you think you see: A stripper pole with little girls vying for their turn.

I'm so relieved I had boys to raise, and that the boys in my family always have baby boys. Good LORD. It's horrifying. The parents thought this was cool?

Wasn't it just yesterday that Miley's stalker was arrested?

"Mark McLeod was arrested by the security officers of Walt Disney when they found him on the beachside movie set knocking on some doors and asking for Miley. In June, he was already warned to stay away from the pop star."

Just so we're CLEAR on this: I do not blame the victim. HOW-BLOODY-EVER. Is allowing your 9 year old daughter dress up like a hooker and play on a stripper pole really in her best interest??

I think I'm grumpy today.

Cameron Douglas is just another spoiled, bored Hollywood brat

Awesome choice of professions, dude.

Michael, Kirk and Cameron Douglas.
"Everyone smile and pretend we're not
all screwed up! CHEEESE!"

Let the pity party begin, ya'll.

Here we have another cliche`--and in turn, a litany of "excuses" for his chosen profession: Cameron Douglas, the child (now 30!) of Hollywood "royalty"--with a reported $88 million Trust Fund, a product of too much too soon, a father who was never "there" for him, his parents divorced, his dad claimed sex addiction was the reason he cheated on his mom, too much to live up to compared to his lineage (in this case, Kirk Douglas is his grandfather and Michael Douglas is Daddy), BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Oh, shut UP, you delusional, arrogant little prick.

Jesus H. I'm so sick of these over indulged, totally privileged little bitches who think they are living a movie role by becoming a "badass drug dealer". Dude? You are NOT in your dad's movie, "Traffic", but hopefully, you'll see the inside of a real-life prison.

Oh, and lest we forget, this 30 year old idiot was evicted from his rented Laurel Canyon earlier this year. Take a look at what was found in that residence, while he ran off like a scared 7th grader when the cops showed up:

"....Cameron Douglas has been given the boot from his leased home in L.A.'s Laurel Canyon. Classic signs of drug use were discovered in the home vacated by Cameron and his roommate, including glassine envelopes and home drug-testing kits, spoons used to heat a substance over the stove and filthy syringes and mirrors covered in white powder.

"A lot of drug activity must have been going on in there," says landlord Sky Reiss tells Star in an exclusive interview. Cam -- who at 30 has been in an out of rehab and has multiple arrests for cocaine possession, among things -- moved in last March. When he stopped making rent payments, his famous father picked up the $4,200-a-month tab for "a couple of months," says Reiss.

"But then his payments stopped too." So earlier this month an L.A. Sheriff arrived with an eviction notice. "Cameron and his roommate ran out the back door, leaving Cam's girlfriend behind to deal with it," says Reiss. And Reiss was left to deal with the "disgusting mess."

And now, here's an account of Cameron's latest little problem with the "dirty bathtub gin" this week:

via TMZ:

"The DEA claims Michael Douglas' son Cameron is a big time crystal meth dealer -- one who moved "pounds" of the drug since 2006.

According to his federal indictment filed in New York, DEA agents claim they ran a 3-year investigation, proving the 30-year-old actor sold "multiple pounds" of crystal meth to several people -- many of whom are now cooperating in the prosecution of Douglas.

All three witnesses mentioned in the document have pled guilty to narcotics violations. They are cooperating in the hopes of receiving a reduced sentence.

Douglas has been charged with one count of possession with the intent to distribute 500 grams or more of crystal meth and one count of possession with intent to distribute 50 grams or more of "Ice" -- which is the purest form of meth.

The DEA further alleges that Cameron deposited and withdrew tens of thousands of dollars in cash from the drug deals.

According to the indictment, Douglas was set up in New York after agents ran a sting operation-- in which they caught Douglas accepting $15,000 in cash in exchange for a promise to deliver a half pound of crystal meth."

That is one hell of a lot of crystal meth. If they don't treat this smug little a-hole like anyone else in the same situation, I'm gonna be pissed. He needs a bit more than 30 days in a cushy, effing REHAB in Malibu.

Know'msayin'??

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's Youngest Daughter Loves a Drinky-Poo

Scout Willis arriving at her
over-the-top 18th birthday party.

Tallulah Willis, not
completely drunk yet.

Tallulah, showing us her Drunkface!

Rumer, arriving in a
see-through flapper dress.

Bruce with his new child bride.

Demi, looking better than she
has a right to.

I highly doubt Ashton got any
footage of his youngest step-daughter
being completely inappropriate.

I'm the first one to say "hindsight is 20/20", so let me get that out of the way right now. I'm no one to throw stones, but I've got a good arm and the parents in this mess better DUCK. I tell ya what--that little drunken snip Tallulah Belle would be shipped off to a strict boarding school THIS MORNING, had I been the mother in this situation. I guess not everyone learns from their mistakes, do they Demi? Apparently, older sister Scout's 18th birthday was a big ol' 20's-themed boozy party, probably complete with bathtub gin on tap.

I love how Bruce, Demi and Ashton self-righteously pretend they are so on top of what their girls are up to in terms of underage drinking (and all the other stuff that goes along with raising teenagers). Remember when the "adults" weren't all that happy when Rumer (aka Chinny Chin Chin) was hanging out with Lindsay a couple years ago? I'm sure that did a lot of good. Pssh.

I actually think Demi is more like her role in "Bobby" than she'd care to admit. Remember the scene where she was all drunk, smoking and belittling Sharon Stone's character, while gittin' her hair did? Yeah. That one. Having said that, she'd looked fan-effing-TASTIC. Better, in fact, that Bruce's Demi-wannabe new child wife. Maybe that's what really matters?

While Ashton and Demi were busy video-taping one another, where was Tallulah? Gettin' her drink on and hitting on older men and showing her goodies, that's where. She's FIFTEEN. Last I heard, her last name wasn't LOHAN.

via The Socialitelife:

"They grow up so fast don't they? Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher along with Demi's ex-husband Bruce Willis and his new wife Emma Heming threw an 18th birthday bash their daughter Scout LaRue Willis' 18th birthday. The party took place at the Cicada restaurant in Los Angeles California this past Friday, July 17.

Scout's younger sister Tallulah Belle Willis was also at the party, and was acting like one of the grown ups. She was flirting with an older man, cocktail in hand and carrying around a timeless accessory her own pack of Marlboro lights! The 15-year-old concluded the evening by being escorted out (the Willis women love their drinky) by her friends who all carefully steadied her as she tried to avoid the watchful glare of step-dad Ashton Kutcher."

I'd love to have heard the conversation with that little girl the next day--assuming there was one.

LaToya Jackson thinks Michael was murdered. Here we GO, ya'll.

Let the finger-pointing BEGIN!

As usual, LaToya Jackson is not making sense. She's claiming that all the hanger's on (at least some of them..or one of them?) wanted Michael dead because he was "worth more dead than alive".

via The New York Daily News:

"Michael Jackson's grieving sister La Toya said in an extensive interview that there were four fresh needle marks on the King of Pop's neck when he died - and that she believes her brother was murdered.

"Less than a month ago, I said I thought Michael was going to die before the London shows because he was surrounded by people who didn't have his best interests at heart," La Toya Jackson, 53, told the Daily Mail.

"I believe Michael was murdered," she said. "I felt that from the start. Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people."

She also revealed:

• Michael regularly kept up to $1 million in cash and a vast collection inside his home, none of which has been found.
• There was an intravenous drip setup beside his bed, and oxygen canisters lined up along the walls.
• Michael did not want to do the planned "This Is It" concert series in London, but he was coerced into it.

La Toya describes how she took her brother's children, Prince Michael, 12, Paris, 11, and 7-year-old Blanket, to see their father's body on the day he died. (GAAH! Those poor kids!!)

Paris stood over him and placed a necklace around Jackson's wrist and colorful stones on his body.

The fate of the children will be decided at a custody hearing later this month. Jackson's ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, plans to attend the hearing, according to People.com."

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/michael_jackson/2009/07/12/2009-07-12_la_toya_jackson_they_murdered_my_brother_michael_jackson.html#ixzz0L4j6tfFL&D

Ummm, LaToya? Those hangers-on that you are speaking of would have been losing their meal tickets, had they wanted to murder Michael. Your family--namely your paternal unit, JOE, seems to be the one trying to make more money now that his son has died. Did you see the $200,000 he charged "Good Morning America" for "licensing fees" last week? Usually network interviews go completely unpaid.

No one else will benefit from Michael's death other than his family (and hopefully his three children, for the most part). Members of Jackson family were all up in his rented home the day after he died--in between LAPD visits. I'm not pointing fingers at the Jacksons at ALL. LaToya needs to keep her mouth shut until all the reports are back.

Here comes the CRAZY.

Jon and Kate + 8, Spanking and Weed?

Kate smacking Leah

What does it look like to you??

I'll be happy when these people are off TV and magazine covers. I really want them to leave the lure of the public eye and raise their children properly, but who am I kidding? Jon and Kate have defined the phrase, "crazy media whores". These new ads on TLC for their TV show has Kate claiming that there is a "life-chianging" events for thier family. Umm...durrr.

Here's what Kate had to say after being photographed spanking her daughter, Leah:

"Whether the paparazzi are there or not, I am a mother first. I love my children and when they misbehave, I discipline them as I deem appropriate for the situation," she said through her reps. TLC's spokeswoman Laurie Goldberg also told ABCNews.com that Gosselin called police, presumably around the time of the incident, "because the paparazzi were trespassing and blocking the street."

Today we have photos of Jon smoking what appears to a a joint. You can't tell me he's taken to rolling his own ciggies like Johnny Depp does, because there's no effing way.

Jon and Kate plus Totally Make Sick.

Clay Aiken is a Jealous Bitch

Bitch!

The amazing Miss Adam Glambert

This article made me squeal with delight. Everyone knows I'm the biggest Fag Hag in the Northwest, and nothing will make me laugh harder than hearing about Gayken throwing a hissy fit over another big ol' girly American Idol contestant. I'll give you three seconds to figure out who this bitch is, well, bitching about.

BOOM. Miss Adam Glambert herself! Get this, in order to read about this bitchfest firsthand, you must first pay $29.95 to get all cruisey on the "Ultimate Membership" at ClayOnline.com. Holy lipgloss, ya'll. From one current pinky whitehead ginger about another former pinky whitehead ginger, this is what Gayken had to say on his Special Website:

"Now that it's all over, and for the record.... I couldn't be happier about the way AI ended this year. I only turn the show on once a season, and only to see what the set looks like each year. This year, I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing "Ring of Fire" and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn't really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him.

Granted, I never saw another performance [BULLSHIT--he was totally eyelash-glued to his TV and we know it!] (and many folks who I trust said that he was great) but I can't imagine I would have enjoyed it. Just not my cup of tea at all." Oh, gurrlll....mee-oww!


I'm LOVING this. I'm sure Adam is saying, "Girl? Gayken WHO?? Oh, that asshole chick Kathy Griffin makes fun of?" Yes, Sugar. That chick--and she deserves EVERYTHING Kathy dishes out.


I'm obviously still squealing over this funny shit. This made my day.

Bleaching a 3 year old's hair? Really, Gwen?

Gwen Stefani with her now blonde son, Kingston.

Gwen seems not as happy
with a brown-haired accessory. Sad.

I think I'm crabby about the people I write about today--celebrities in general. Is there REALLY a good reason to bleach your three year-old's hair?? "Oh, Mummy. I want hair JUST LIKE YOURS". As IF. I'm growing very weary of these oh, so fabulous celebrity moms parading their dolled-up little accessories around for the cameras.

I'm sure as long and as often as Gwen has been bleaching HER hair, she's had a scalp-burn or two. Way to ruin your toddler's hair, you idiot.

Can you see the sour look on my face and hear my heavy, disapproving sigh?