Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Panic Attack? Awesome.


Yeah. So. I had a panic attack today. It started in my chest. My heart was racing--I swear I could see it pounding though my shirt like in a cartoon. Then I couldn't breathe. Then I got angry. Being angry during a panic attack isn't the best idea I found; it got in the way of trying to catch the breath that was kicked out of me. What the eff?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that I'm so angry that my 19 year old son is in rehab, a-bloody-gain. Maybe the fact that I saw my best friend Patrick--who looks completely healthy, but has a deadly disease rooting around his body. Maybe I've been trying to be so strong and badass by not shedding a tear throughout all this, that my body is trying to tell me something.

"Everything happens for a reason". DOES it?? Then explain to me why my son may never get better. Why he seems to really love having an altered state of mind through drugs. And while you're at it, tell me why the sweetest, funniest man I know has a disease at age 32 that cannot be cured.

4 comments:

Annette said...

There's no reason - life's a c**t. Maybe people who 'beleive' in something find some comfort but i'm a realist. Hey - and Hunter CAN get better- he has HOPE.

DivaJulia said...

Annette: This is why I love you so much--"Life's a c**t". You actually made me spit my tea on the laptop from laughter. I think here in the States we say, "life's a bitch". I prefer the naughty Brit way. Always.

Annette said...

Well the Brits say bitch too - i just have a mouth like a gutter and enjoy swearing! I know you're busy but i'll keep checking in for updates anyway. X

Jilly said...

Sweetie; there are no answers, at least none that we get. That is reserved for a higher being. I ask the same questions every day...and no answers coming. Yeah, life's a bitch...dammit!